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How do I feel

904 Views 1 Reply 2 Participants Last post by  Archangel
Hello, 20yo girl here.

Three years ago I made a panic attack that led me to a dissociative disorder + depersonalisation/derealisation and this completely ruined my life...

I was 17yo back then, freshly graduated from high school and happy to begin my college life as a student but one day I had to make this big panic attack that completely shook my mind and changed my way of seeing life in an instant.

Then, for months I was in a dp/dr state + I constantly made existential crisis : I failed my first year of college, not because it was hard but because my mind wasn't there I was empty so like it wasn't me anymore and I constantly skipped classes to stay in my house. I felt like I was separated from my past and I was disconnected from the reality, from the society, from the world. I had memories from high school but at the same time I felt like I've never been there.

Then progressively, months later, I begin to return to a "normal state", I still felt like I was disconnected from my past but I stopped making constantly existential crisis and I start to move on, to live my life. I finally pass my first year of licence with, with a 2nd try, but I had to make a lot lot lot of efforts to do so and at the same time I became kind of a "couldn't give a fxck", it was a way for me to forget my worries. The negative part is that I became so much of a "couldn't give a fxck" I failed my second year of licence because this time I would skip classes thinking "Does it really matter actually ?"
So I wasn't still "myself" but at least I wasn't in a dp/dr state no more.

This lasts 3years. This October I made a panic attack which led me again to this crazy dp/dr disorder but this time, well wait a minute idk how to explain... You know in Witch shows when the character casts a spell that puts them in a bad situation and they are like "What If I cast the same spell again, maybe it would reverse the situation ?" Well making this dp/dr disorder for the second time kind of make me find back this part of my 17yo self who went away back then and.... this was horrible

Since then I'm completely lost, I feel like now there're two people in my body : The motivated 17yo young girl and the current and more "'mature" 20yo young woman that "moved on" and I'm so confused right now.

To picture it more clearly I feel like a part of my 17 years old was in coma and then suddenly woke up three years later In the body of a 20yo, with a lot of new memories, new experiences, new knowledge, and the 17yo is sad because she wasn't there to discover all that.

At the same time I feel like I quit high school only yesterday and not 3 years ago, the memories now I feel like I was there but like if it was really recent and thinking that it've been actually several years makes me dizzy, I wanna vomit ???? I LITERALLY feel it like that, and not like someone who is 45yo now and would say "Oh I feel like high school was yesterday!" In a nostalgic way

I'm so lost, fortunately no I wasn't literally in a coma but there's this part of me today that feel like she skips 3years of her life, that's so crazy my mind is blown up now.... Like the one who lived the 3 last years wasn't really her but someone else....
I can't believe something like that is happening to me, I'm really not comfortable with myself, I really don't know what to do, life became so much weird to me and it's so hard to describe how I feel.

For real, I sometimes think about ending my life because it became senseless but a part of me know I wouldn't do that because I love my family and I think that's the only thing that keeps me alive....

This 17yo who just woke up inside me is so sad, she was so motivated, so ready to start her adult life and now she doesn't understand how she got there, in the body of a 20yo who's life failling is appart.

I mean, imagine a case I would nove of have dp/dr but J well I wouldn't be sad (or not a lot) because at least I but right know I feel I didn't even have the chance to try because it WASNT ME, I mean it wasn't my true self....
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