how did it begin?
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Então, meu primeiro contato com a despersonalização foi com o uso da maconha, mas foi só quando o efeito estava ativo.
Quando acordei me sentia bem, passei 2 meses sem sentir absolutamente nada, mas depois de uma briga com meu namorado, e um estresse enorme, dois dias depois me olhei no espelho, e parecia que
Eu estava saindo do meu corpo, e desde então a despersonalização e a desrealização me acompanharam.
Consegui quebrar a despersonalização, mas a desrealização continua me deixando infeliz, até tento não entrar neste site, porque me dá nojo.
Estou vivendo minha vida normal, mas de vez em quando recebo aquelas perguntas "como pode haver alguém que veja o mundo de maneira diferente de mim?" Entre outras questões filosóficas.
Agora meu mais novo "hobby" é pensar que as pessoas são "NPCS" e eu sou o único real, tipo GTA 5 online, e aí isso me machuca muito, porque torna meus relacionamentos opacos.
E também fico olhando o tempo e as coisas que acontecem, por exemplo uma certa hora eu vi uma mulher com certas características, aí eu vou no dia seguinte e faço o teste de realidade e vejo se vejo a mesma mulher.
Ou carros e motos, barulhos, tudo eu fico testando pra ver se acontece igual no outro dia. E se acontecer, vou provar que vivo em um mundo falso. Este tem sido um dos meus piores pesadelos.
Quando acordei me sentia bem, passei 2 meses sem sentir absolutamente nada, mas depois de uma briga com meu namorado, e um estresse enorme, dois dias depois me olhei no espelho, e parecia que
Eu estava saindo do meu corpo, e desde então a despersonalização e a desrealização me acompanharam.
Consegui quebrar a despersonalização, mas a desrealização continua me deixando infeliz, até tento não entrar neste site, porque me dá nojo.
Estou vivendo minha vida normal, mas de vez em quando recebo aquelas perguntas "como pode haver alguém que veja o mundo de maneira diferente de mim?" Entre outras questões filosóficas.
Agora meu mais novo "hobby" é pensar que as pessoas são "NPCS" e eu sou o único real, tipo GTA 5 online, e aí isso me machuca muito, porque torna meus relacionamentos opacos.
E também fico olhando o tempo e as coisas que acontecem, por exemplo uma certa hora eu vi uma mulher com certas características, aí eu vou no dia seguinte e faço o teste de realidade e vejo se vejo a mesma mulher.
Ou carros e motos, barulhos, tudo eu fico testando pra ver se acontece igual no outro dia. E se acontecer, vou provar que vivo em um mundo falso. Este tem sido um dos meus piores pesadelos.
I've also tried marijuana but chronic depersonalization came years afterward.
David, I got it during severe anxiety, drug withdrawal, and insomnia.
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i also got it from a bad spice (artificial marijuana) trip. got dp for maybe 3-4 years, but my emotions were full accesible and i eventually recovered fully. after years of emotional stress i relapsed with a major depression and now i am so fucked. my life is just over man. no emotions. zero. zerooo.
i swear to all of you, i sometimes remember exactly how it once felt to having emotions. and everytime when this happens my heart explodes in 100 parts, because then i really notice how much this condition fucked first, me, then my life.
i just want to cry. all the fucking time.
You mean positive emotions? Because heart exploding and wanting to cry are emotions. Anhedonia isn't surprising from someone with depression and depersonalization, that lack of strong desire and lack of pleasure from anything.
I dunno if what I said was lost in translation but I meant to say the onset of depersonalization for me came years after using marijuana.
I also remember emotional moments like my first girlfriend running up to me in the sunlight after several weeks apart and how much my current life sucks compared to that. Part of this is just getting older, which is why I try to live in spite of it.
I think I know what you mean with having no emotions. I'm improving a little, and it's not like that every day, but I do feel my emotions differently since my recent experience. Perhaps it's not the same, I don't know, but normally for me it's not that I don't have emotions at all, but it's like I feel them only around my chest and around my head, and not in my stomach. There is nothing there. When I feel emotions it's like eating food that looks very good but that has zero taste (did you have this during covid ?). It's like I can recognize the emotion perfectly, just like when I am eating I know there is food in my mouth, but it's also like I am eating nothing, it doesn't bring me any pleasure, it doesn't do anything for me. It's like what I imagine someone would feel if they hugged someone but they have zero sense of touch or proprioception, they know they are hugging someone, the hugging exists, but it doesn't bring them anything. And for me it's a bit like this with emotions, I know I feel them, I know they are positive or negative, but it's like it doesn't do anything for me, zero nourishment. Do you relate with any of this?
So, I was saying, it's a bit better for me these days. It's like I'm feeling things in my stomach a bit more, and I just realize it feels like I am inhabiting some places of my body again, they belong to me more. And it's exactly correlated with feeling less DR at the same time. So very often I listen to what I feel in this (new) way, but sometimes there are really just shitty emotions there, like some form disgust or even pain. Other people with autism describe that, feeling strong emotions in their body almost as physical pain, and I can have that a lot. And when it happens and I have all that crap in me, I see I automatically distance myself from these feelings, and it's like my stomach doesn't "belong to me" anymore and I have a little more DR again. Spending a lot of time on Youtube also "helps" me derealize I see. So I just try to notice these ups and downs, but sometimes one thing that helps me is that I try to look at all the things I feel in that region, and try to remember that they are all part of me, the good ones and the shitty ones as well, that I want to "be" all these things. I feel there is no sorting the good and the bad, if I inhabit that part of myself I have to take it all. And it's really not straightforward, it's not like I am going to inhabit it and then it's all good. Those shitty emotions I need to do something with them, and not get rid of them or reject them. Sometimes just wanting them to be part of me helps me regulate them, they feel more intense at first but then it gets better, but sometimes they just linger there, like some sticky sadness and I can't do anything with them for the whole day. And I think it really makes sense to distance myself from them, although I don't want to do this anymore, but they can be really difficult, and if I feel I have zero effect on them I might as well stuff them with the dust under the carpet. For me that's also what self hatred does to me, it causes negative emotions that I can't get rid of. But I can make these emotions be part of me only if I can be nice with them, and it's a personal journey, because my emotions are nobody else's, and it's not easy. Sometimes even self hatred or self neglect can even help me go, I think this is what helped me push through procrastination for a very long time, and as I accept myself more, I need to find ways to cope with the procrastination, because I can't just accept to do nothing and that's all, I need to do things even just to go to work or survive. So I feel it's not just a trick that helps me and it's done, but I have to rebuild myself on many aspects very gradually. But that's just how I feel about these things these days, and I wouldn't say this is how it all works for sure for me, there are most probably more things to discover on the way.
I was already anxious before that but I think it was a panic attack during a period i was sick. O had severe pain like never before that scared me. Like afraid of dying scared. At first i thought my mind was foggy because i was simply physically recovering but the foggyness etc. Lasted way longer ...
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I was smoking cannabis for the first time and I started seizing. It started with a podromal seizure called an epigastric or abdominal aura. That only takes a minute or two, and it triggers a more powerful temporal lobe seizure. I figure I had about 30 epileptic discharges that fried my limbic system. I never lost consciousness, but I was never the same following that incident. I went into a deep depression for months. I didn't understand what had happned to me, and wouldn't for 40 years. Every 8 years or so, I would have to walk the path that was created in my brain following that initial seizure. The path to recurrent major depressive hell. I found a case history in a British neurological journal that described my symptoms to a T. I had a neurologist give me an EEG, and sure enough I had significant pathology in my temporal lobe consistent with someone who had a history of epileptic seizure. . I was told I was disabled at age 56, from an event which occurred when I was 17. I had ECT which mitigated the depression. Hopefully I have had my last major episode. I no longer have focal temporal lobe seizures. I'm left with a mild head tremor, occasional migraine aura, and a lot of bad memories.
What was ECT like for you? I found the procedure to be physically miserable for about twenty-four hours and somewhat disorienting for about two weeks.
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I had seven induced grand mal seizures every other day for 2 weeks. I remember the anesthesia given through a catheter in my hand burned a bit. I don't remember having any side effects from the induced seizure, or at least none that came through my depressive fog. lol After the final shock, I drove home. In four or five days, I began to feel a fundamental shift in my consciousness, so to speak. It gave me confidence that I would never have another episode of major depression. So far, so good. Typically, I was on intervals of 8 years. It's been 11 years since the ECT. I'm optimistic, however, life does have its challenges and it doesn't really get any easier with age. I turned 68 in January. And looking back, I can say I don't have very good recollection of events, because I wasn't fully there to begin with.
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