Yes I'm a broken record at this point, but I'm sorry I just simply can't believe this is real anymore and simply can't tell myself that I actually believe this is real.
It's not like I'm not weighing up the evidence either. Everything is happening so systematically in a way that the world just didn't work before. I can no longer just sit here in a vain hope that this is just some sort of ludicrous illness. Because I can't tell myself I believe I'm ill. If I was to seek help it would be vain hope more than anything, which scares me because if this is the real world and I don't believe anyone can help me, then I'm beyond screwed.
But look you can tell me about baader meinhof and cognitive bias all you want, but this doesn't explain how undoubtedly systematic this all is. Earlier I was completely numb. I couldn't relate to anything, everything and "everyone" had no meaning or feeling attached to them. Great, a symptom of mental illness one might say but despite this after everything that's happened, I can't say that because everything has been too systematic. Case in point, I go to this forum in hope that after somewhat of a search, this will turn up as a symptom. Well it didn't take long at all and systematically it was in the post at the very top of the page. Didnt have to do any digging at all, like a computer program it was systematically there. Then I see the number 46 the next time I look at the time on my phone, which would be fine except this is the number I now see automatically after every time I look at the phone after having a mild coincidence surrounding it and then a major one. This used to be 27, but now that appears less frequently and its always 46, even when I'm consciously looking for other numbers, there it is, too systematic. Fine in a vacuum, but when this happens with everything you do, you'll excuse me for suddenly questioning the idea that this is all psychological phenomena.
In the real world, I don't believe in psychic abilities or magic. So the systematic way in which things happen in this world lead me to believe that this can't be the real world. Before all this, it didn't happen. The world was random, yes you got the occasional coincidence, but they appeared at random. Not one after the other and they were much more unpredictable. Plus how could someone who was this "ill" function in the real world for all this time? When he has essentially not been with it at all for all this time. But yet I'm watching stuff happen automatically, this person interact with people in this world. People he supposedly doesn't think are real and actually there. Its a complete contradiction.
Its now at the point where I simply can't believe they are real or this is real, so I can't talk to anyone because I'm not sure its worth it cos I don't know if they're real. Any help I seek is not because I think this is illness (I don't think, if I thought this was illness it would be much easier to dismiss everything above and I would at least have some hope) but because I have no other options and it is a vain attempt that maybe something might change, but I never believe it actually will.
Part of the reason for this is because whenever I read about dp/dr something stark in the description stands out to me: "reality testing remains intact". Well this can't possibly apply to me and its the one defining factor of the illness they point out again and again. So no matter how many things I see in myself that are similar to dp/dr symptoms, I can't ever say this is an illness and seemingly can't tell if I belueve I'm in the real world or not. But seemingly you have to be sure, that's whats in black and white. I know I'm trapped, but there's too much evidence to me that this isn't real, though yes I know I can't travel to any other world and don't remember travelling to any other world. So if that is a sign of "intact" reality testing let me know, but that's not showing me I believe that this is the real world, or is it? I don't know!
I'm so confused and scared and I can't turn to anyone because I'm not sure if they're real or not. I turn to my left and look to the person laying there next to me, my girlfriend or an illusion resembling her, IM NOT SURE! And surely someone who knew they were in the real world would be sure, surely someone with an anxiety condition with reality testing intact would know that they could say something to her and be reassured. But if I say something I won't he sure I'm saying it to an actual person or whether I'm describing illness to them. I'm so lost and alone and frightened as I fear there's a real possibility there is literally nobody else.
So why am I posting this? I don't know. Maybe in the hope that someone will say, "you do believe you're in the real world, you're just confused". I've no other option, I will have to sit here and wait in this hell.
I feel like I've all but run out of hope now though. What the hell do I do?
