[Aha's Shadow]

Yes I'm a broken record at this point, but I'm sorry I just simply can't believe this is real anymore and simply can't tell myself that I actually believe this is real.

It's not like I'm not weighing up the evidence either. Everything is happening so systematically in a way that the world just didn't work before. I can no longer just sit here in a vain hope that this is just some sort of ludicrous illness. Because I can't tell myself I believe I'm ill. If I was to seek help it would be vain hope more than anything, which scares me because if this is the real world and I don't believe anyone can help me, then I'm beyond screwed.

But look you can tell me about baader meinhof and cognitive bias all you want, but this doesn't explain how undoubtedly systematic this all is. Earlier I was completely numb. I couldn't relate to anything, everything and "everyone" had no meaning or feeling attached to them. Great, a symptom of mental illness one might say but despite this after everything that's happened, I can't say that because everything has been too systematic. Case in point, I go to this forum in hope that after somewhat of a search, this will turn up as a symptom. Well it didn't take long at all and systematically it was in the post at the very top of the page. Didnt have to do any digging at all, like a computer program it was systematically there. Then I see the number 46 the next time I look at the time on my phone, which would be fine except this is the number I now see automatically after every time I look at the phone after having a mild coincidence surrounding it and then a major one. This used to be 27, but now that appears less frequently and its always 46, even when I'm consciously looking for other numbers, there it is, too systematic. Fine in a vacuum, but when this happens with everything you do, you'll excuse me for suddenly questioning the idea that this is all psychological phenomena.

In the real world, I don't believe in psychic abilities or magic. So the systematic way in which things happen in this world lead me to believe that this can't be the real world. Before all this, it didn't happen. The world was random, yes you got the occasional coincidence, but they appeared at random. Not one after the other and they were much more unpredictable. Plus how could someone who was this "ill" function in the real world for all this time? When he has essentially not been with it at all for all this time. But yet I'm watching stuff happen automatically, this person interact with people in this world. People he supposedly doesn't think are real and actually there. Its a complete contradiction.

Its now at the point where I simply can't believe they are real or this is real, so I can't talk to anyone because I'm not sure its worth it cos I don't know if they're real. Any help I seek is not because I think this is illness (I don't think, if I thought this was illness it would be much easier to dismiss everything above and I would at least have some hope) but because I have no other options and it is a vain attempt that maybe something might change, but I never believe it actually will.

Part of the reason for this is because whenever I read about dp/dr something stark in the description stands out to me: "reality testing remains intact". Well this can't possibly apply to me and its the one defining factor of the illness they point out again and again. So no matter how many things I see in myself that are similar to dp/dr symptoms, I can't ever say this is an illness and seemingly can't tell if I belueve I'm in the real world or not. But seemingly you have to be sure, that's whats in black and white. I know I'm trapped, but there's too much evidence to me that this isn't real, though yes I know I can't travel to any other world and don't remember travelling to any other world. So if that is a sign of "intact" reality testing let me know, but that's not showing me I believe that this is the real world, or is it? I don't know!

I'm so confused and scared and I can't turn to anyone because I'm not sure if they're real or not. I turn to my left and look to the person laying there next to me, my girlfriend or an illusion resembling her, IM NOT SURE! And surely someone who knew they were in the real world would be sure, surely someone with an anxiety condition with reality testing intact would know that they could say something to her and be reassured. But if I say something I won't he sure I'm saying it to an actual person or whether I'm describing illness to them. I'm so lost and alone and frightened as I fear there's a real possibility there is literally nobody else.

So why am I posting this? I don't know. Maybe in the hope that someone will say, "you do believe you're in the real world, you're just confused". I've no other option, I will have to sit here and wait in this hell.

I feel like I've all but run out of hope now though. What the hell do I do?

 

[Findmywayhome]

You seem to suffer from a lot more than just DPDR. Just because your symptoms don't apply solely to dissociation doesn't mean you don't have an illness at all. You are psychotic and obsessive. Seek treatment.

 

[heneluna]

It sounds like you're experiencing a lot of paranoia, I think I understand what you're saying/feeling. In fact I might enter a paranoid episode after reading your post.. anyways.

You mentioned the phrase "reality testing remains intact", to my understanding that means that a person knows that they are experiencing something wrong/ "off" and are confused and scared. I think that your reality testing remains intact, you reached out and made a legible post on here to look for answers, I can also tell that you're feeling confused. If your reality testing were not intact you'd turn into something similar to a crackhead dancing around in the streets naked, or worse. That being said, you are ill and I think deep down you know it as well.

I don't think this is psychosis, very often do the victims of depersonalization/ derealization disorder experience paranoia where they believe everything is fake. I think you do believe in the real world, you're just confused.. and ill. According to your post, you believe people with mental illness cannot "function in the real world". You said that you've been able to "function in the real world" and that is why you are not ill. It doesn't seem that you can function very well based on your post and how you feel no one is real. Functioning is not just on the outside/physical its emotional, you seem very confused and scared. If you think you're not ill because you don't "have it bad enough" I can assure you that you are are ill and have it rough. Heck, people with psychosis function better than people with depersonalization because their extreme disconnect with reality is visible and gets treated with specific drugs.

You said "before all this" and used past tense a couple of times in your post, does that mean before covid or did something else happen? A build up of stress as well as isolation could have something to do with you being hyper-vigilant/ obsessive of numbers, others around you, and depersonalization derealization symptoms. These trying times have left a lot of us with too much time to think, and too much stress to think "rationally".

All I can really say is to try talking to a therapist just to get things out through talking, they could provide some insight as well and explain mental illness in a way that'll make sense to you and your experiences.

 

[ThoughtOnFire]

I've experienced crazy synchronicities for many years now. And so have lots of others. I accept it just as the way the world really is, when one is open to it.

 

[Aha's Shadow]

I've experienced crazy synchronicities for many years now. And so have lots of others. I accept it just as the way the world really is, when one is open to it.

How did you get round to that way of thinking?

At the moment everywhere I turn there is one stark one after another. I can't shake the idea that they mean something more.

It's making me second guess everything. When I speak to someone I stop myself and say "why speak if they aren't real?". I've lost that feeling towards looking at people, photos and memories and having relief from them.

I keep trying to tell myself its impossible to be anywhere else and so on but I'm so scared just in case that's not the truth and though I never did transport anywhere, somehow this isn't the right place. Just alot of things don't make sense.

 

[Aha's Shadow]

Oh boy was today's coincidence a doozy.

I have this book on probability right to help me try to make sense of coincidences. Just the other day I was reading this section about times when lottery numbers have appeared in numerical sequence and also when the same numbers have shown up 2 weeks running. Just now I see the following news story...

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-africa-55154525

So now I'm getting a coincidence out of the coincidence book which I'm reading to get over coincidences. How inceptiony is that, and what are the odds?

I can't actually be panicked about it anymore. I'm just numb and fed up. I know I'm trapped so maybe its just time to be the loony our friend above thinks I am. Guess i'll go strip off, light my hair on fire and dance down the street.

 

[Findmywayhome]

... its just time to be the loony our friend above thinks I am.

Im gonna guess this was addressed at me?

 

[ThoughtOnFire]

How did you get round to that way of thinking?

At the moment everywhere I turn there is one stark one after another. I can't shake the idea that they mean something more.

It's making me second guess everything. When I speak to someone I stop myself and say "why speak if they aren't real?". I've lost that feeling towards looking at people, photos and memories and having relief from them.

I keep trying to tell myself its impossible to be anywhere else and so on but I'm so scared just in case that's not the truth and though I never did transport anywhere, somehow this isn't the right place. Just alot of things don't make sense.

I pretty much accepted it as soon as it started. I went from being raised as an Atheist to a Believer that there is something "more" in life. Didn't know what it was, just knew there was "something".

 

[Phantasm]

I pretty much accepted it as soon as it started. I went from being raised as an Atheist to a Believer that there is something "more" in life. Didn't know what it was, just knew there was "something".

This reminds me of a quote I once read by singer Suggs (Madness) when asked if he believed in God. He said, "I believe in something, but I don't know what it is," and that's always been my answer since!

 

[Aha's Shadow]

I tend to take the attitude that if some sort of God was trying to prove their existence to me, then this is a rather cruel way to do it.

I've preferred scientific explanation for a long time and hope that it's out there for me.

 

[Phantasm]

Scientific explanation is catnip to most people with DP.

 

[ThoughtOnFire]

I believe that one day Science COULD explain these things. It's just not out there yet. For example, Scientists are currently debating whether Consciousness exists or if it does not. At one time Science couldn't explain everything that Science has explored. Meaning, imho, if Consciousness does exist, then it is POTENTIALLY possible to be "found" via Scientific Means. As for the synchronicities? Perhaps they are part of the Ebb & Flow of Consciousness, (theoretically).

 

[Phantasm]

"We are not our thoughts"

 

[zigman]

These coincidences mean nothing, these pure “luck” and “odds” mean absolutely NOTHING. These are just the simple things your subconscious mind notices, and leaves all the other important stuff out. It’s like your mind has been programmed to detect a repeating digit/letter everywhere you go, it just means nothing and will never mean anything at all. Keep living your life, there’s no time to put out a worldwide search for your repetitive patterns, at all. Please just live your life.

 

[ninorski]

It's a very strange story but also an interesting one