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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have a history of anxiety probably started because of abusing cannabis and parents divorce at age of 13... this gave me some bpd traits like an unstable sense of self, mood swings, inability to find purpose in life deep thinking.... great. This was doable...

Then in 2013 I get tinnitus and epstein barr virus panicked and given benzo's without any warning about their dangers. I have managed to not get hooked until december last year used very wisely never daily but in the end you cant beat them. I got sucked in a very nasty benzo withdrawal because docs messed up and did not see the difference from withdrawal and original anxiety and kept piling on the dose and I was fragile and trusted my doc, which is still going on right now which on its own is hell on earth. Benzo withdrawal is what destroyed me...

Then last Oktober I decided to smoke some indica weed because I could not handle the depression, anxiety and pain of the benzo withdrawal. I felt empty and needed some relief..

BOOM bad reaction (probably because of bad mindstate) DP/DR comes and stays.

Worse hell on earth.

I have heard people describe bpd, tinnitus, benzo withdrawal, dp/dr SEPARATELY as hell on earth each on its own. I can't take it anymore...

You can imagine what I have been considering for a couple of months now, things are not improving. I see only one way out... I am not leaving the house because of severe anxiety and agoraphobia so I cannot do much to beat DP like live a normal life. I don't want any more meds I hate them now I don't trust psychs, docs and meds and they don't work anymore. I take some seroquel and tried an ssri but only fucks your brain up more.

Before I finish and recover from the benzo withdrawal there will be not much left of me it is a mind twisting experience and on top the DP it is not even something I can put into words. I wan't to live and have a life and I could have a beautiful life but I think it's just not in the cards for me.. I know it sounds very weak but life is to cruel to me now.. I have support but if I tell them my despair they will want me in the psych ward and I have been down that road that is what got me into this mess. My fear is I am reaching my breaking point.
 

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my parents also divorced when I was 17 or 18 or so but in my case I was glad because my dad always beat my mom in front of my eyes since I was a little child . I remember when we came from turkey to germany with my mother and my baby brother I was around 4 years old and my father was in germany before we came . when we came to germany we were very poor and we lived as 4 people in one small room......my dad has big mental problems himself and I remember how he hit my mom in that small room when I was 4 and I was so helpless and was crying . he also hit me several times as a kid . he also fucked me up mentally because of the things he said . he said he wants to kill my mum etc. and he talked about how he has sex with my mom and other fucked up things .

also before we came to germany my grandma died in turkey right in front of my eyes . and she was so important to me I loved her a lot . (yes I can remember even though I was a small child)

also older kids scared me when I was in the day home for children . I even remember how one kid put me in a playhouse kind of thing and locked the door

I also almost drowned to death when we were going swimming with the woman who was watching out for us

I have had many traumas

I suffer from anxiety and depression and also some ocd since I was a little child . I took medications and made the mistake 3 times to stop taking them too quickly which made me develop strong dp/dr and my psychiatrist even diagnosed me having a psychosis

I am now on effexor again . I am still suffering from the withdrawal effects of the last years . and I also want to stop the medication but I wont hurry anymore and take my time . I will also look for a therapist

my point is that you are not alone . I know how you are feeling . but dont give up and dont do suicide please . I am sure it will get better with time

I dont know why you are taking seroquel btw. . I took it too for a year but I used it against bipolar disorder (which I actually think I dont have but thought I do)

maybe you should take something against anxiety in small doses and seek for a therapist
 

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i'm sorry you're going trough all of this,

as i dont know how you feel, (except for the dp) my only advice would be to talk to those who support you, be honest with them about you not wanting to end in the psych ward
or if you dont want to tell them, as psyborg said, the best would be to seek a therapist,
because this is much harder to bear if you're alone

much strength to you ❤
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I was taking things for anxiety, the seroquel is for that too, but the meds don't help me. They were more like the nail in the coffin for me.

I am so in the thick of benzo withdrawal that therapy does not even work on me now. It comes with constant anxiety which cannot be stopped by other meds and keeps the DP going.

Thanks for the support, I am very scared my brain is just so messed up. Why is life so hard....
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
my parents also divorced when I was 17 or 18 or so but in my case I was glad because my dad always beat my mom in front of my eyes since I was a little child . I remember when we came from turkey to germany with my mother and my baby brother I was around 4 years old and my father was in germany before we came . when we came to germany we were very poor and we lived as 4 people in one small room......my dad has big mental problems himself and I remember how he hit my mom in that small room when I was 4 and I was so helpless and was crying . he also hit me several times as a kid . he also fucked me up mentally because of the things he said . he said he wants to kill my mum etc. and he talked about how he has sex with my mom and other fucked up things .

also before we came to germany my grandma died in turkey right in front of my eyes . and she was so important to me I loved her a lot . (yes I can remember even though I was a small child)

also older kids scared me when I was in the day home for children . I even remember how one kid put me in a playhouse kind of thing and locked the door

I also almost drowned to death when we were going swimming with the woman who was watching out for us

I have had many traumas

I suffer from anxiety and depression and also some ocd since I was a little child . I took medications and made the mistake 3 times to stop taking them too quickly which made me develop strong dp/dr and my psychiatrist even diagnosed me having a psychosis

I am now on effexor again . I am still suffering from the withdrawal effects of the last years . and I also want to stop the medication but I wont hurry anymore and take my time . I will also look for a therapist

my point is that you are not alone . I know how you are feeling . but dont give up and dont do suicide please . I am sure it will get better with time

I dont know why you are taking seroquel btw. . I took it too for a year but I used it against bipolar disorder (which I actually think I dont have but thought I do)

maybe you should take something against anxiety in small doses and seek for a therapist
Sorry for your history of suffering my friend and thank you for your kind words and support. I am sorry you too had ill effects from psych meds. At least in my case they were very harmful and 90% of the reason I am in crisis right now. I am 100% positive that have I not been in benzo withdrawal I would have never had that bad reaction. I am 33 now and have smoked many times when I was young, never had any problems. But that is done now, I can only hold on for dear life and hope for the best.

This DP thing is such a trip and benzo withdrawal makes you for the most part crippled, specially mentally so you are not able to much things to combat it.

I have been fighting a hard battle for exactly 1 year now with the benzo's with hospitalisations etc. 3 months ago DP cam into the mix. My mind is only telling me very bad things and the only reason I am still here is I just cannot do it to my mom and because I am a pussy.
 

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Listen up mate, I feel you 100%. But always remember ending your life is making an end to change and hope. There's always hope. Benzo withdrawal is hell, I have never been trough one. But I can definitely imagine. At this moment you CANNOT think straight and it seems so useless and not worth it. But whenever your mind clears which is possible never underestimate the human body and brain. They can heal, it can take a while for your body to cleanse itself from that benzo poison. Don't ever give up, not before you tried everything.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Listen up mate, I feel you 100%. But always remember ending your life is making an end to change and hope. There's always hope. Benzo withdrawal is hell, I have never been trough one. But I can definitely imagine. At this moment you CANNOT think straight and it seems so useless and not worth it. But whenever your mind clears which is possible never underestimate the human body and brain. They can heal, it can take a while for your body to cleanse itself from that benzo poison. Don't ever give up, not before you tried everything.
I hear you man, and I know healing is a possibility but I have been through hell already before dp struck, I have a long taper and healing ahead of me. I am living a miserable life for a long time now. There is a breaking point and I think I have reached it many times these last few weeks already. I was only too chicken to actually do it and because there was no quick and easy way.

You are correct, I cannot think straight and I am not thinking straight. DP brings ocd/intrusive thoughts and so does benzo withdrawal on its own so I get a double whammy like my brain is on fire filled with horrible thoughts,intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, regrets, pain, anxiety is just inhumane and it lasts forever. I really appreciate your support. I am trying second by second minute by minute to hang on but I just don't see how this can just go away...
 

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Sorry for your history of suffering my friend and thank you for your kind words and support. I am sorry you too had ill effects from psych meds. At least in my case they were very harmful and 90% of the reason I am in crisis right now. I am 100% positive that have I not been in benzo withdrawal I would have never had that bad reaction. I am 33 now and have smoked many times when I was young, never had any problems. But that is done now, I can only hold on for dear life and hope for the best.

This DP thing is such a trip and benzo withdrawal makes you for the most part crippled, specially mentally so you are not able to much things to combat it.

I have been fighting a hard battle for exactly 1 year now with the benzo's with hospitalisations etc. 3 months ago DP cam into the mix. My mind is only telling me very bad things and the only reason I am still here is I just cannot do it to my mom and because I am a pussy.
thanks . I told my story to show you you are not alone . and I dont want you to do suicide

btw, regarding benzos . I took half an ativan after a panic attack and after a few days when the ativan was out of my body I had the worst intrusive thoughts ever .....I still have them in a mild version . I can imagine how bad benzo withdrawal must be . but those thoughts are not you ....it's bullshit . your mind is just playing tricks on you
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
thanks . I told my story to show you you are not alone . and I dont want you to do suicide

btw, regarding benzos . I took half an ativan after a panic attack and after a few days when the ativan was out of my body I had the worst intrusive thoughts ever .....I still have them in a mild version . I can imagine how bad benzo withdrawal must be . but those thoughts are not you ....it's bullshit . your mind is just playing tricks on you
Stay away from benzos please my friend, they seem pretty harmless but trust me...

I will try to stay alive. Thank you for your kindness
 

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I have had DP/ DR for 21/2 years and got tinnitus from effecor during that time and just recently started going through benzo withdrawals on top of it. I’m in the exact same boat. Just know you’re not alone in the suffering. As of now I just try to get through my days as the benzo withdrawal has increased the dissociation, anxiety, and tinnitus 10 fold. Even now I believe I can heal from my ailments, with the exception of maybe tinnitus. But that’s alrignt
 
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