When I conquered DP I had this little thought in the back of my mind just how useful I could be for others who went through the same thing. The truth is often reading about it in the past would trigger feelings and symptoms for me and I would avoid it altogether. In fact, I can't say for certain if I ever would have healed myself had I not followed my nose-y brain and dug deep into the web to find a solution. I'm sure many here can relate when i say; no one understood me. Not my mother, father, sister, brother, friends, or the therapist. I suffered from a drug induced DP cocktail, which sent me into the ER, which sent me into the ER weeks later when it happened to me sober, which led me to believe I had no solution, no way of figuring this out, barely any support group, and no one understood what in the world I was saying.
In 2008, I was in a loving relationship of 3 years at the age of 18. Me and my girlfriend were prepared to get married out of college. I had been removed from my high school for fighting on the first day of freshman year, was in and out of homeschooling (getting evicted from my home scattered my life across state), and ended up obtaining my GED to attend community college. I received a 4.0 my first semester and life felt like it was really beginning to come together for me. One night, when I was out partying with friends, I experienced DP after a mix of caffeine, adderall, salvia, alcohol, and a lot of weed. I can say with 100% certainty that I was an unaware, young moron not knowing what in the world I was doing. My life crashed. I wouldn't get out of bed, I wouldn't talk to friends, I wouldn't eat, I failed out of school, my girlfriend thought I was uninterested and left me, and the longest winter of my life began (still not a huge fan of winters). Everyone at first tried to help me, but then they became sick of the unresponsive thing I became. I was on the verge of ending my life because my brain was stuck on a never ending loop of self-obsession. DP turned into a mixture of other anxiety and panic conditions and disorders and I had no clue what was going on anymore. I held onto the only thing I had, some form of hope inside me that kept me fighting, kept me interested in finding out what this was and why did it happen to me. It wasn't just drugs.
I don't know the rules of these forums and I hope I'm not breaking one by plugging a book I read that helped me, it would be a shame if I didn't mention it. The book is called "At last a life" by Paul David. If you just google that you'll find it all over the place. That book saved my life. It was the only breath of fresh air and real concrete advice I received that felt like it was coming from someone who also suffered. How in the hell do you explain to people that you don't feel human anymore? DP without panic would often feel like I was tripping and experiencing some sort of philosophical experience, then I would remember just how much of a state I was in and want out of it. Not trying to get off topic here, the book taught me some basic principles that still sticks with me today; I survived 100% of the DP attacks that I ever encountered, I survived 100% of the panic and anxiety attacks I ever encountered. If I have such a staggering win/loss record against these guys; what in the heck am I afraid of? It also taught me the most valuable lesson I ever put into practice and I believe I've evolved these words a little over time:
Panic demands you do one of two things, it wants you to fight, but mostly it wants you to run, how about you do neither of those. Just sit. Hold onto this one thing and one thing only; your breath. Just breath.
If you're with someone and you can barely get the words out, and they have no idea what's going on just say "hey, I'm sorry I'm going through something at the moment, I need 5 minutes". Put your head in your hands and just breath.
That technique changed my life. Because when I sat through a DP episode with all the fear, panic and side effects, and just sat through it and felt it for what it was; it ended. I remember I got so hysterical and excited that my strategy worked that I sent myself flying into another DP episode minutes later, I repeated my new strategy. I fell asleep that night feeling like I was really onto something. My mind began to shift, I stayed away from drugs, I started hitting the gym and eating better. DP would come into my life everyday, and as time went on and I learned to kill the fear associated with it, it began to take a step back out of my life. Weeks would go by without an attack, then months. I'm at the point in my life now where I have periodic DP, I'll walk outside after closing the front door and enter DP for a short period of time; I just breath through it. The episodes are really short now. I've absolutely slipped up and smoked weed the past 10 years, and I'd say I experienced DP probably 40% of those times. The way I see it now is that it's just not worth it for me. Everyone is different. Some people were dependent on drugs prior to DP, some people were dependent on drugs for anxiety; I wasn't. That will be another battle entirely on its own, but staying away from drugs in general, if you can, will be better for you in the long run.
Some things that have helped me a lot over these years;
Above the whole list;
Meditation.
Finding meaning in your life; spiritual, religious, environmental, peace, whatever the heck you want to call it. When something inside you says "that sounds good, I like that" GO WITH IT.
1. Giving back to people when I can.
2. Learning to obsess with humanity as a whole, instead of yourself. If you feel like you're going to be forever a vessel running around in DP, go flip the script and use yourself to be of service to others.
3. Explore your curiosities, MOVE AROUND. Go walk outside, go do something, feed the dog, repair a chair, do something, anything. When you get moving you'll figure the next move out more easier.
4. Avoiding caffeine during certain periods of the year. Surprisingly since DP, I've done stupid things such as drink 5 hour energies and caffeinated energy drinks when exhausted or tired, and it's just a really terrible idea when you have any anxiety condition.
Most importantly, if you're here like me, you too are most likely living with this condition. Understand that you need to make good peace with it and yourself. I most likely will live with this for the rest of my life and I totally accept that, but it has become so manageable through fear exercises that I don't think about it everyday, or every week. And this is coming from someone who had it every single day of my life. You can aid the healing process of time with some other things I've mentioned in here.
Lastly, everyone on this board needs to take care and respect each other. I literally found this board tonight, but wow, I wish I knew something like this existed 10 years ago. It feels freeing to write this post on here and I do really hope I can help at least one person. The world is becoming more and more connected and useful information about these rare conditions will become known for all to use. I can feel that coming. The importance of respecting each other on here needs to come in the form of taking one another seriously, holding onto real hope that good change is coming, and not spreading the negativity that one is capable of caving into on each other. I know that in my previous condition I was just a few bad choices away from not being here, please don't lose sight of how fragile we are as souls and how dependent on real positive interaction we are as humans. The internet could use more useful positive interaction.
I see that this is super long at this point and I'm going to stop it here. I'll check back to see if anyone has questions or would like to begin a discussion.
Love and light to you all,
Tony
In 2008, I was in a loving relationship of 3 years at the age of 18. Me and my girlfriend were prepared to get married out of college. I had been removed from my high school for fighting on the first day of freshman year, was in and out of homeschooling (getting evicted from my home scattered my life across state), and ended up obtaining my GED to attend community college. I received a 4.0 my first semester and life felt like it was really beginning to come together for me. One night, when I was out partying with friends, I experienced DP after a mix of caffeine, adderall, salvia, alcohol, and a lot of weed. I can say with 100% certainty that I was an unaware, young moron not knowing what in the world I was doing. My life crashed. I wouldn't get out of bed, I wouldn't talk to friends, I wouldn't eat, I failed out of school, my girlfriend thought I was uninterested and left me, and the longest winter of my life began (still not a huge fan of winters). Everyone at first tried to help me, but then they became sick of the unresponsive thing I became. I was on the verge of ending my life because my brain was stuck on a never ending loop of self-obsession. DP turned into a mixture of other anxiety and panic conditions and disorders and I had no clue what was going on anymore. I held onto the only thing I had, some form of hope inside me that kept me fighting, kept me interested in finding out what this was and why did it happen to me. It wasn't just drugs.
I don't know the rules of these forums and I hope I'm not breaking one by plugging a book I read that helped me, it would be a shame if I didn't mention it. The book is called "At last a life" by Paul David. If you just google that you'll find it all over the place. That book saved my life. It was the only breath of fresh air and real concrete advice I received that felt like it was coming from someone who also suffered. How in the hell do you explain to people that you don't feel human anymore? DP without panic would often feel like I was tripping and experiencing some sort of philosophical experience, then I would remember just how much of a state I was in and want out of it. Not trying to get off topic here, the book taught me some basic principles that still sticks with me today; I survived 100% of the DP attacks that I ever encountered, I survived 100% of the panic and anxiety attacks I ever encountered. If I have such a staggering win/loss record against these guys; what in the heck am I afraid of? It also taught me the most valuable lesson I ever put into practice and I believe I've evolved these words a little over time:
Panic demands you do one of two things, it wants you to fight, but mostly it wants you to run, how about you do neither of those. Just sit. Hold onto this one thing and one thing only; your breath. Just breath.
If you're with someone and you can barely get the words out, and they have no idea what's going on just say "hey, I'm sorry I'm going through something at the moment, I need 5 minutes". Put your head in your hands and just breath.
That technique changed my life. Because when I sat through a DP episode with all the fear, panic and side effects, and just sat through it and felt it for what it was; it ended. I remember I got so hysterical and excited that my strategy worked that I sent myself flying into another DP episode minutes later, I repeated my new strategy. I fell asleep that night feeling like I was really onto something. My mind began to shift, I stayed away from drugs, I started hitting the gym and eating better. DP would come into my life everyday, and as time went on and I learned to kill the fear associated with it, it began to take a step back out of my life. Weeks would go by without an attack, then months. I'm at the point in my life now where I have periodic DP, I'll walk outside after closing the front door and enter DP for a short period of time; I just breath through it. The episodes are really short now. I've absolutely slipped up and smoked weed the past 10 years, and I'd say I experienced DP probably 40% of those times. The way I see it now is that it's just not worth it for me. Everyone is different. Some people were dependent on drugs prior to DP, some people were dependent on drugs for anxiety; I wasn't. That will be another battle entirely on its own, but staying away from drugs in general, if you can, will be better for you in the long run.
Some things that have helped me a lot over these years;
Above the whole list;
Meditation.
Finding meaning in your life; spiritual, religious, environmental, peace, whatever the heck you want to call it. When something inside you says "that sounds good, I like that" GO WITH IT.
1. Giving back to people when I can.
2. Learning to obsess with humanity as a whole, instead of yourself. If you feel like you're going to be forever a vessel running around in DP, go flip the script and use yourself to be of service to others.
3. Explore your curiosities, MOVE AROUND. Go walk outside, go do something, feed the dog, repair a chair, do something, anything. When you get moving you'll figure the next move out more easier.
4. Avoiding caffeine during certain periods of the year. Surprisingly since DP, I've done stupid things such as drink 5 hour energies and caffeinated energy drinks when exhausted or tired, and it's just a really terrible idea when you have any anxiety condition.
Most importantly, if you're here like me, you too are most likely living with this condition. Understand that you need to make good peace with it and yourself. I most likely will live with this for the rest of my life and I totally accept that, but it has become so manageable through fear exercises that I don't think about it everyday, or every week. And this is coming from someone who had it every single day of my life. You can aid the healing process of time with some other things I've mentioned in here.
Lastly, everyone on this board needs to take care and respect each other. I literally found this board tonight, but wow, I wish I knew something like this existed 10 years ago. It feels freeing to write this post on here and I do really hope I can help at least one person. The world is becoming more and more connected and useful information about these rare conditions will become known for all to use. I can feel that coming. The importance of respecting each other on here needs to come in the form of taking one another seriously, holding onto real hope that good change is coming, and not spreading the negativity that one is capable of caving into on each other. I know that in my previous condition I was just a few bad choices away from not being here, please don't lose sight of how fragile we are as souls and how dependent on real positive interaction we are as humans. The internet could use more useful positive interaction.
I see that this is super long at this point and I'm going to stop it here. I'll check back to see if anyone has questions or would like to begin a discussion.
Love and light to you all,
Tony
