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Hi, I'm new here. I've been struggling with the way I percieve the world around me, where I am, and if I'm even real for over a year. I had a cocaine binge among some random pills for 3-4 months and woke up like this one day. I thought I was overdosing or had died and couldn't leave my boyfriends room for 4 days and was terrified. The way I view the world (literally) is different than it used to be. Everything is bright and close up. I had a problem with reality not seeming real when I was younger when my parents were addicts and had issues with feeling like I was dreaming as a kid. Both this time and the last time I had a fear of being drugged and taking medications, even Tylenol. I fear people put drugs in my food and drinks and I'm scared I'll never get better. I work a lot and it's the only distraction I have even though I'm never completely there.. I'm pregnant and want to be a good mother and not feel crazy. Please let me know if you are like this.
 

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Welcome! You'll find lots of people in this community like yourself.

Drugs don't get you stuck forever. That's not how drugs work. No one drinks for a week and is than drunk forever - your body returns to baseline. Also why there's only small windows you can test for drugs - Not that there aren't harmful physiological effects that can accumulate over time - but if you're worried you've done irreversible permanent damage from some coke and a few random pills, you can stop worrying. :)

Now it's not the drugs that get people stuck in psychosis - it's the people.

My guess would be that you DID feel pretty f**cked up at some point from the aftermath of your binge, and it probably scared you.

I'd also guess that you're extra sensitive (myself included) - and that it freaked you out so much you had a panic attack.

I'd then bet the feeling of that panic attack was so awful you became afraid of feeling that way forever... and then you look at your symptoms to see if they're getting better (the way things look, things not seeming real, etc) and when you find you still feel that way you feel it confirms you're stuck and not getting better.

But really what's happening is your body is releasing stress hormones when you're freaked out, and those stress hormones linger in your body because they bind to fat and they (not the drugs) are what's responsible for your feelings of unreality. You're stuck in the panic cycle. There's lots of information out there on it, and lots of people on this forum with valuable information. I'm sure you're clicking around, so click away - but don't get tricked into thinking you're never going to get better - that's just the nature of the beast. You'll have to develop faith - and trust it as you navigate your way out of this dark tunnel and back into the light.

And yes trauma (like yours from childhood) can produce anxiety and certainly could have made you more vulnerable over time to this sort of mental break, but it all goes back to anxiety, stress hormones, and the panic cycle.

If I were you I'd...

1) get checked out by the docs to rule out anything physiological

2) learn about the panic cycle / panic disorder (which is what I'd guess you're suffering from)

3) Enroll in a panic disorder class (usually offered through hospitals so you can use insurance) and / or find a counselor who specializes in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) - and he/she will teach you about the panic cycle and where you personally are best able to break the cycle. You can also dissect and disarm the childhood trauma you experienced when you're able. - But first and foremost you'll have to handle this demon.

And congratulations on the baby. You're obviously a caring individual which is why you're on this forum looking to help yourself.

You'll make a great mom. Channel that love into the blade you're crafting right now to combat the demons ahead and find your way out.

Good luck!

I'm here if you need, and so is everyone else on this form. :)
 
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