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1896 Views 0 Replies 1 Participant Last post by  joe_calderon
I want to make this message for all of you. I don't normally post into the community, but someone in this communities message helped me, and I want to help you. I first became depersonalized/derealized at the age of 10 I am now in my 20's. From the period of age 10-20 I have had dp/dr nearly non-stop. At some points it was unbearable and really made me contemplate taking my like. I was bound to my home for about 6 months and didn't want to leave. I was humiliated bullied and picked on and every time that happened I internalized my rage to continue and keep pushing forward and keep going and keep moving. The parts that were unbearable to me were the emptiness, the lack of love, of desire, of really wanting to do anything, yet being contrasted by this intense anxiety and the feeling that I was going to dissolve into the floor, or wake up in a dream, or wake up in the matrix. I know that is now anxiety now and that it is highly unlikely those are true. Body sensations do not dictate external reality. I used to have 5 panic attacks a day and that is no exaggeration, and the rest of the day I was constantly on edge. I was in serious pain, emotionally and at some points, I didn't think I could make it past the week. I would sit trying to feel anything, and because of my dp/dr I let people take advantage of me because I didn't care. Dp/dr made me lose sight of my emotions and my value as a human being. But I wouldn't give those years away. I know what its like to be an outsider. Dp/dr is the ultimate outsider. It is a spiritual suicide. It is the loss of self or the realization that there is no self only a collection of habits. Truly, through all the pain and sorrow and anguish I have been shown something that not many people get to see in their lives. I've developed a great deal of empathy for people with mental illnesses or illness of any kind in general. Perspective is the gift of Dp/Dr and through every rain shower, there is a rainbow. Dp/Dr is making... I say is making because I still have Dp/Dr but it is making me heal my pain, repair my relationships, and be honest with myself. Really, I still have mood swings all the time, life isn't easy, I am still finding my zen in this madness, but I keep perspective on the things I have, and the mental health resources available to me. I have taken an improv class at my college, that has helped me immensely with my Dp/Dr. I go to a top 50 universities in the world and quite honestly I keep moving. I take a hard look at my life and the way I live and try to change myself. Dp/Dr, like any disorder, is totally individual to the person. For me, the disorder lies in trauma, overthinking, obsessive thinking, daydreaming, and not accepting Dp/Dr. That last one is very important. You must accept nothing will happen when you experience Dp/Dr. Nothing will happen. The uncomfortable sensations this disorder causes will pass in time. They will wax and wane I promise. That my friends is a victory. Accepting that you have this disorder and will live your life with it or without it. Really that's the key to this pain. I can't tell you how to solve it for yourself, I'm still in the process of solving it, but it depends on seriously being there for yourself and accepting that Dp/Dr is just a body sensation. I want you all to succeed and not try to fight your pain. Dp/Dr shows you how you think and really if you change the way you think, and think about Dp/Dr, then the world will open up. I hope to see all become healthier better versions of yourself... living your lives with or without Dp/Dr.
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