My name is Fiona, I am a 19 year old Psych student and though I have yet to be diagnosed, I believe I am living with depersonalization disorder or DP for short. If you are reading this, I assume you know what it is so I will skip the explanation and start from the beginning. I'll start off my saying I don't drink or smoke. I have never and don't plan to. I have a family past of addiction that shy's me away from even taking over the counter medicines. I also have never gone through any trauma or abuse. Physically or sexually. So i'm not sure how this disorder came to be but one thing I do know is that I have it and it's ruining my life.
It started in the middle of high school and came at an onset of what I call "episodes". The most I can remember of the onset is moments of happiness...or when I was supposed to be happy. I'd be in the middle of laughing and suddenly wouldn't be happy or amused. Instead, I'd be looking around at everything feeling as though I was out of my body watching. I'd keep laughing though because I knew that's how I was supposed to feel even though I didn't. That's when I knew there was something wrong. I started trying to do research but to no avail. Hard to look for something when you don't know what you're looking for. The episodes started to get longer and longer over time until I no longer realized them. They started to feel normal. That's when the disorder started to take detrimental effects on my life.
For those of you reading this, you should know that though I don't mention it much, I am a christian. My faith is not as strong as I wish it were, but it's there. Because of this, I have had heavy values and beliefs in my life since i was a little girl. I was not raised in any religion but my grandmother was a christian so my faith was built through her. These beliefs were at their strongest when it came to my decision of abstaining from sex. I had always felt strongly about it since i was a child. Not only because of my spiritual beliefs, but for other reasons. For one, i was raised in a single parent household (just my mother). Seeing and hearing about the stereotype of promiscuity among girls raised without fathers made me think twice about a lot of the decisions I made including having sex. I wanted to stay as far as possible from the stereotype. I also kept my virginity because, due to countless middle school talks and assembly i was brought up with the teaching of "your body is your temple" strongly instilled in me. Since then, any one who know's me, knows I take great pride in my body. Not appearance wise, but on the inside with who I let in in terms of relationships. I had always detested the idea of a boy claiming rights over me; being able to say they "had" me and did what ever i could to make sure that wouldn't happen. By 8th grade, I was the only virgin in my class. I was respected and wanted for it. Throughout high school I was still one of a few girls that hadn't had sex. I loved it; being able to be different, unique, wanted. I also had this fantasy since i was a little girl, of losing my virginity on my honeymoon night. Candles, rose petals, the works. DPD took this from me.
A few months ago I was sitting in my room with my then boyfriend. It was hot and we were just laying there. Staring at the ceiling when I started having another episode. Now he didn't know I had DPD because at the time, neither did I. Deeply into this episode I rolled over and said something I would never had said when in my right mind: "Let's have sex". I'm not sure why I said this. To test reality? I felt like I was in a trance. Nothing was real. Like I was in a dream. I could do anything. I was immortal. Like nothing I could do at that moment would be real so it was okay. Like playing a video game. You have 3 lives so it's okay with what you do with the first two. I knew in the back of my mind that wasn't true but felt helpless to stop myself. I felt like I was watching myself do this. Like it wasn't me. I was a robot. Trapped in my own body. My boyfriend (being a virgin himself at the time and knowing my strong values) looked at me in disbelief and laughed it off. I rolled over and told him i was serious and to go get the condom i knew he had in his top draw (for pride reasons i will never understand). He went and got and before I realized what was happening or what I was doing we were fully naked with him trembling in fear (not literally but his hands did shake and so did his voice when he spoke). I think the whole time I was telling myself that I wasn't really going to do it. I would stop him before we made the huge mistake we did. But that never happened. He asked over and over was I sure and over and over I repeated that I was. We both had hopes of losing it our honeymoon night. Hopes that are now shattered along with our innocence.
The whole while I could feel nothing. I knew I was supposed to feel something. Even if not completely because it was my first time, still SOMETHING. But that was not the case. I could do nothing but lay there.
Being the people-pleaser that I am how ever, I did not want him to feel bad so I....gave him necessary encouragement. Just to make him feel like he was doing a good job. After all, it was his first time too. All the while he kept whispering "I love you's" and reassuring me when ever i winced in pain. It was supposed to be a beautiful experience. It was my first time. With the guy i loved. Whom was also a virgin. Why didn't i feel anything? I didn't get anything out of it. The only thing arousing about it was the fantasy. The whole idea of us having sex. But not enough to be physical. I started to get frustrated and finally realizing what was happening, I told him to stop.
We sat there confused after. I tried to feel remorse as I knew I should have but I couldn't. I was sitting there trying to tap into my feelings for so long I hadn't heard him asking if i was okay. When I came to he was holding me wrapped in a blanket I hadn't even realized he put over me.
Later that day I was still numb. I walked into my house feeling like a completely different person. Every thing around me felt different. Not in a good way. Just that I was seeing everything with new eyes. Tainted ones. I didn't feel worthy of even being there. My mother sat on the couch, unbeknownst to the change I just went through. Everything still felt surreal as i walked to the bathroom to the mirror. I looked to see if there was anything different about me. I couldn't find anything....Except hate. Toward who I still don't know. I was like two different people. I had betrayed myself. I wasn't sure if I should have been angry or sad. I drew a bath and waited. My phone rang over and over. I knew it was him but I did not want to speak to him. I went into the kitchen. The whole walk thinking that I had just lost all my livelihood "I am nothing now. How could i dare face my family? My friends? Most of all God? My future husband? How could I tell him I wasn't pure any more? That I was used? How could God love me now? I'm worthless. I'm not worthy of his love. I'm not worthy of life." Ever since i was 13 I struggled with depression. In and out when finally at one point I had decided to commit suicide. I'm not quite sure how I got out of it (though I wish I did know so I could use my story to help others) but I did. But I knew I wasn't strong enough to handle what I had just done. That was one of the biggest reasons I had chosen to remain abstinent. I knew my self esteem and self worth was not strong enough to sustain such a blow. Thinking about this only made me angrier. I pulled a knife out the draw and went back to my old habits....self harm.
I got in the tub and checked my messages. Nothing but him saying how sorry he was that he didn't ignore me and follow my previous wishes of abstaining and posting subliminal statuses about how much regret he felt. I felt worse knowing this was his first time and instead of showing some type of happiness, I was so wrapped up in my own pity that I hadn't realized this was a huge step for him too. I ruined his first time.
Now I didn't share this story for pity or attention. Just to show an example of how much DPD has interfered with and destroyed my life. I don't use this as an excuse. I know I control my own actions and maybe if I tried a little harder? I don't know but to this day no one knows that I am not a virgin (we vowed secrecy) or more importantly, that I have the disorder. I have yet to seek help because I am relying on my mother to do so who, since she is not aware of the urgency (she thinks I just want to discuss he absence of my father with a professional), is dragging her feet a little. I have only come to know of the disorder recently and after some research, see that there is very little awareness and knowledge of it even to professionals. Therefore I'm not even sure how to find some one suitable to treat me. I was so happy when I had finally found what was wrong but this took a sudden turn of devastation when I found out there was no medical cure or treatment and therapy did not seem too hopeful.
I made this blog because I'm tired of feeling alone. I'm tired of reminiscing of my past. Longing to be normal again. I want to meet others who are going through the same thing as me. To know that I am not alone and there is hope and life outside of this hell i'm feeling. I made this as a view of my journey of getting through life with DPD. I welcome comments and advise from everyone going through the same thing. I need some one I can talk to and I know the people around me wouldn't understand.
Thanks in advance!
Looking forward to joining the community!
ღ Fiona ღ