Ok here goes. Rational thought is not what I do best when I feel like this.
Up until this time last year I hadn't thought much was wrong with me. Yeah I've been quiet in most social situations, never fully involving myself, anxious about meeting people (friends of years) and upcoming events but this is quite normal right? Not when every thought in your head you finally "see" to be self destructive, every encounter with a person is terrifying because you're worrying about how to act, where to look, when to speak, how to say it, when to say it, look interested but not too interested you don't want to look needy or pathetic....and worst of all the knowing. Knowing that they see the fear in your eyes and you can't hide it because you can't change your emotional state to suit that of the social situation you've found yourself in.
This complete blindness, up until now, I believe is not only due to the people who I've been around most of my life; who've been incredibly patient and willing to accept that I was different (or maybe everyone is like this...) but also due to not taking the time to step back and take a look at my life. No one truly understanding what I'm going through.
Last year I decided to go to University after a gap year (I'm 21) as I wasn't going anywhere and thought this was the logical path to take. As with most decisions in my life it wasn't concrete in my mind and never felt it was mine, but a reaction to my step - dads accusation that I was "getting lazy". How sad is it that I'll only take action when I'm accused of something in a negative way? The experience was absolutely catastrophic, I couldn't leave my room most days for fear of meeting the "kids" who all seemed to be getting along so well. I couldn't understand why I felt the way I did, it was driving me mad and I was so upset and unsure of everything that I had to leave Uni and live back with my step Mum and Dad.
I over analyse everything in my mind and catch myself doing it all of the time. Not only moments in the past where I've made a fool out of myself in front of people (which are the only memories I can recall with great detail), but imagining meeting certain people and acting strange to them and the uncertainty of the future and what I'll end up doing if this curse is not lifted from my mind. I just feel so drained. I know I'm alive but I don't feel like I'm living. Everything is just happening around me.
What has shocked me the most to realize about myself though is my inability to maintain strong relationships with anybody. I know I push people away now. I don't answer calls from old friends for fear of them hearing an emotionless voice down the other end, or being backed into a corner where I've committed myself to doing something when I have no desire to go through with it. I can't show the same affection as I'm so disinterested in what they have to say or what might happen. I hate being dishonest with anyone, but I feel I have to be to hide what's really going on inside. I've almost perfected living in the shadows and I HATE IT!
There that's some part of what I'm going through. Acceptance I now know to be key to recovery but I don't even know what to accept.
Thanks. Some parts of my life are better but some are worse. As I'm adopted I've learnt about my past a little in the last few months which has grounded me a little but still suffer from destructive patterns of thinking and anxiety which stops me leaving my house most days.
Thanks for asking themaxx. How are you and what are you dealing with?
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