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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi - are there any others like me who seem to have some kind of hidden anxiety underneath depersonalization? I mean with hidden anxiety the kind of mental condition, which doesn't show a trace of anxiety normally, but if thinking about the chance of becoming DP/DR free or sad childhood memories, the anxiety can be felt very deeply. Indeed I even don't want to experience the chance of being DP/DR free at the moment, as I am afraid of freaking out cuz of the anxiety - in fact I fear the chance of becoming DP/DR free almost more than death itself.

The reason behind the fear is that I feel being totally alone if becoming DP/DR free - I guess it may have something to do with fear of not having anyone, with whom I could share my good feelings of touching life again without the icy wall of depersonalization? I think this irrational fear of being totally alone may have its origin in my childhood experience of being alone, as when I was 6-9-yr-old my mother was practically alcoholic, and I didn't trust anyone at that time - I naturally tried to hide my mother's problem from anyone. At that time I was really alone with my thoughts and feelings, and since my mother stopped drinking, for many years' time I didn't even remember the period in my life, when my mother was alcoholic - the memories returned when I was in my early twenties... What do you think, is it possible that this hidden anxiety & the fear of being alone I experience might be related to my childhood experience of abandonment?

I am currently waiting for getting to therapy via Finnish Student Health Service, but there is quite a queue, so I would be most grateful if anyone of you might have some insights considering my inner fear of being alone and the trapped/hidden anxiety, which I guess is somehow related to that fear. Indeed I never feel any anxiety but only when I'm thinking about getting rid of DP/DR or remembering about that sad period in my early childhood. It seems my anxiety is in good control because of DP/DR, that's why I call it hidden or trapped. Thanks for any advice,

Ninnu
 

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Hi Ninnu,

of course - anxiety is blocked by DP, and because you are cognitive aware of it it seems like it is hidden (but you know it isn't). I blocked my anxiety with DP and spoke only about DP/DR and other thingies, but not about the real cause. DP/DR protects you from the horrible feelings (in my case total loss of control/despair) but it kills your feelings of joy/happiness as well...It is up to you - but do not be afraid: it is you behind the icy wall. Fear of being alone? Well - had it as well - the icy wall also makes it impossible to not feel alone (ie feel intimacy); do not be afraid of others - do not be afraid...Let others love you the way you are - it is such a relief :wink: .
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Hi Des, many thanks for your kind reply! :) I have pondered about this thingy quite a lot, but it seems I cannot proceed much on my own. It was really helpful to read your words about the causes of hidden anxiety and DP - it gave me relief regarding my problem. At the moment I wish to get into therapy as soon as it will be possible, maybe in that way I could slowly start unraveling this problem underneath my DP/DR. Indeed currently I can't even think about a day, when I could feel life without the icy wall of DP/DR again...but maybe it could be possible, someday? Wishing so.
 

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Hi Ninnu, psychotherapy helped me a lot (however - it is quite luxurious in Holland; I had full-time therapy in a nice resort in the woods :wink: ). Once I was able to speak out my thoughts and feelings, and started to do things I (the real me) wanted to do (as a normal person) things )DP/DR/obsessive thoughts/narcisistic fantasies) started to dissappear (or simply dissappared and never came back). So no tears or frightening stuff - I got the real perspective. The horror was in my head, in my imagination - not in this world. Go on Ninnu - do not be afraid :) You'll be fine! And you will start to love your beautiful self!
 
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I think most people here fear the what if-question of "what if I never recover from this?". But equally frightening question can be "what if I recover?" I recovery demands that we have to change ourselves in some way, the change can make us very scary. Sometimes it's easier to suffer because at least it's familiar. I'm not very good at explaining what I mean because of my poor english, but I hope you understand anyway.
 

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Well, perfect English H24 :wink: Sometimes it is easier (less scary) to dwell in DP/DR than becoming yourself. I know...Been there...
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Des and H24, thank you for your replies. :) I really am fearful of becoming me again, as I realize there is that huge amount of anxiety underneath my neat icy wall of DP/DR. I should face that fear and the things that are the cause of that fear, before I will be able to/could feel life without depersonalization. I really wish to get into therapy so I could start unraveling this problem somehow... By the way, I heard good news today - finally I got the looked-for phonecall from FSHS (Finnish Student Health Service), and I will have a time for psychiatrist tomorrow morning. At last! Now I should only find the right words tomorrow, so I could have the chance to get into therapy there. I am really excited and a bit afraid of tomorrow, as I have heard from a friend of mine that it can be quite difficult to get into therapy at FSHS. That friend of mine tried to ask for therapy there last spring - she suffers from depression - but she was only told that she should seek private therapy (which is very expensive here in Finland). So I should really find the right words tomorrow, so that the psychiatrist could see I really need help and not just a person for "casual chit chat". Wish me luck! Oh noooo I really am afraid of tomorrow...hope it would go well. :shock:
 

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Good luck Ninnu! And remember - you can always use DP/DR if it gets too scary :lol: And this is irony of course...I used to talk in the beginning about everything, except the things which bothered me most - however, it is not recommended as a strategy for curing :wink:
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Yay - the discussion with the FSHS psychiatrist went well today. She asked me about my "symptom history" and what kind of treatment I have had in my past - and what is very good in this, is that I was able to get her assured I really need therapy. The only uncertain thing is whether the therapy will be arranged at FSHS or somewhere else. Presumably it won't be arranged at FSHS, as the psychiatrist lady told they have the kind of queue that I probably would never get into the therapy at FSHS, cuz I will be studying in the university only for two years anymore (if everything is going well). But there is a possibility that I may get into therapy with the funding by Social Insurance Institution, or via public health center of city Espoo, where I'm living. I got another time for the same psychiatrist for later inquiry of my situation/condition, and the psychiatrist lady seemed quite positive bc of my chances to get into therapy. So at the moment I'm not that afraid anymore... At least the mental health people in FSHS will quite certainly do something cuz of my request for therapy - and I really feel happy for that. Yay! Let's see - at least the next time with that same psychiatrist lady will be 17th September... I feel so relieved, hope it won't be an overhasty feeling. :)
 
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