Depersonalization Support Forum banner

1 - 6 of 6 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
hi,

i am a thirty year old woman struggling with ptsd, depersonalisation and suicidal thoughts. Four years ago i was a very happy, outgoing girl, full of life, in a long term relationship and looking forward to the future. I had a huge panic attack at work where i felt like i was outside of myself and my hands were shaking, my heart was beating and i couldn't make sense of anything that was going on around me. I felt like i was dying, went to a cubicle in the office and just felt the whole thing shatter. I have not been able to sleep since, i have physical pain in my mind every day, i don't feel like i can keep going because i can't make sense of anything thats happened and feel like i have dementia. The whole world has just spiralled out of control for me and i can't make sense of who i am or what to do. I just don't feel like I'm going to be here much longer, i can't keep going feeling the way that i do. i used to be such a happy person and I've just regressed to nothing all because of one bad day at work. I just knew id made a bad decision and it all spiralled from there. I realy don't know what to do
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #2 ·
hi,

I am a 30 year old woman suffering terribly with depersonalisation, PTSD, memory problems and suicidal thought. I had a panic attack at work four years ago and things have just spiralled from there. I felt like i was dying at my desk and i split from my body and nothing has felt right since. I never wanted to die before, i was a very happy, outgoing person with lots of confidence and loved life. But as soon as i had my panic attack, my memory just disappeared, my personality disappeared, my confidence disappeared and i just felt broken and unreal. I don't want to die but it feels like my only option because i have destroyed myself through stress and worrying. All i wanted was to be happy, be a partner to someone loving and one day have a family of my own but these things seem impossible now. I have no idea what to do and am absolutely terrified. i look at photos of me from a very short period ago ad it is like they are not me. I see a girl full of hope and life, and now i just feel dead. I can't control my mind or thoughts, i don't feel real, i feel like i have no future, won't grow old and will never be well again. I am so scared.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
i was just at work, and realised i was in the wrong job, after two years of training, after all the work i had put in on my school, university and law school, and before i could do anything about it the panic attack just happened and i felt completely out of body and completely overhwhleemd, just came home that night and couldnt sleep, couldn't relax, said out loud i wanted to die, couldn't see any future at all, couldn't control my racing mind and just felt like i was good at nothing. I kept going into the work but i would hide in the bathroom every day feeling so so sick and scared, and not sleeping at all, until it got to the point where i collapsed and had to be taken to hospital. my life has just spiralled out of control since and i can't work out who i am or what I'm doing and just feel so overhwlemd with pain and longing and don't feel like i can ve here :( i feel disgusting and broken and traumatised and can't make sense of what happened to my life. I was a very happy, outgoing, bubbly person before and its like I've just been obliterated. I can't find my way back to who i used to be. I can't imagine grown old or having a partner or a family and all these things really scare me. I just wish i could go back and have done a different job :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
i had never suffered from anxiety before and was a very sociable, highly functioning person. I just took on a job i couldn't understand, didn't want to do and it all just spiralled from there. I let 'powerful' men make me feel insignificant and abused and powerless and i felt so far from family and friends. I would go into meetings and not understand anything that anyone was saying, and it would feel like my feet were falling though the floor. I just knew id taken on something i couldn't handle and i saw my life flash before me. I had always dreamed of being in love, having a family, dancing, laughing, holidays, But this all seems impossible now because of how the job has left me feeling. its left me with absolutey nothing. I look in the mirror and just feel sick. I go to the supermarket and see old people browsing the shelves and don't understand how there ok. i just over did it worrying about what to do as a job and worried about life and money and partners and everything. I just feel so stupid now. I just want to have a good nights sleep, wake up, put on some clothes, go out to my job, have a days work, come home to a partner, cook some food, have a chat, go to sleep, look forward to the weekends, enjoy holidays. i was such happy bubbly persona nd its just gone and it terrifies me. I just felt overwhelmed and scared. it was like i had no idea what to think about, where to step next, what to do. I regret my choice so much now and i can't undo it and it really scares me. I just don't feel myself at all. Since that day it has felt like it has all been one lie after another pretending that I'm ok when I'm just not at all. I can't relax, i cant sleep, i can't laugh, i can't enjoy life. Im just always worrying about my health now and how i feel and whats happened. I just feel obliterated and not real. I have tried rehab, therapy, hospital, CBT all sorts, but i just can't get back to my old self and it scares me. I just don't understand how a job has had this effect and I'm scared because i don't know what to do now. I want to be anybody else but me. I watch people enjoying a drink in the pub across the road from me and i don't understand their calmness, their ability to just enjoy that moment. I am always worrying about everything and going over everything because i really feel like I've ruined my life. I am so scared.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12 Posts
You can go on. You can do the things that you want to do in life. You can have the things that you want in life.

That's why we are all here in this forum, because we all have anxiety, dp/dr, panic attacks etc. And from you posting here, you're taking a step into finding help which means that you can go on.

It looks like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself with wanting a life partner, a family, and what you thought was the perfect career. You will have all of those things but it all takes time. We can't predict the future we can only work towards it.

From what you posted it seems like you were under a lot of stress. Stress can be the ultimate breaking point for people. The more added stress the more weight you hold which eventually gives way. Stress is partly to blame for my dp/dr.

When you feel negative thoughts, practicing deep breathing and focus on an anchor thought. An anchor thought is something that makes you happy. It came be a place, a person, a pet, it can be anything. Focus on that until you no longer are focused on the negative thoughts.

Make sure you're getting good sleep. Full 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Buy a new pillow and new mattress if needed. Sleep is important for anxiety and dp/dr sufferers. A lack of sleep or poor sleep, combined with stress and worry can trigger dp.

Get into doing meditation and exercise regularly. Try eating good too. I took on acupuncture which has helped me and had started exercising more. I'm not 100% but I do feel better when I exercise, meditate and focus on positive things in life.

You'll be good. Sometimes it's hard when the goal line seems far away but credit yourself for the small steps that lead to the final goal.

Stay focused, look for the positives in your life and start taking small step. Don't be hard on yourself and if your job is the problem then eliminate it fast and go on to explore other options. Don't let a job control your life.

Try this breathing technique when you needed (place your tongue on the roof of your mouth where your top front teeth and roof meet, then take in a deep breath for 4 seconds. Hold for 7 seconds and then release for 8 seconds, while holding your tongue to the roof of your mouth).

Repeat that through out the day.

Keep at it and be positive
 
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
Top