[Skylin]

I just wanted to say hi.

I'm new here, posting on forums is new to me but tonight I feel alone and found this site.

I feel like things are not real a lot. I also feel everything.. sounds can be too loud, lights too bright things like that. I don't think people that are around me would understand.. I don't understand myself. so I'm glad to of found this place.

My life has changed drastically recently but I had the same feelings before and now they are worse.

 

[Phantasm]

Hi, welcome to the site. Feeling that no-one understands what you are going through can be very hard, but you're not alone. People here will relate to what you're experiencing. Stress and life events that are hard to cope with can cause us to feel a sense of disconnection. It's meant to shield us, but can be alarming in itself. Anxiety can cause all manner of weird and wonderful symptoms, but it's good to remind yourself that's all it is. Being supportive in your self-talk, looking after yourself, and trying to accept your feelings about the things in your life that are troubling you can all help. There are lots of things you can do to manage your stress and work through underlying issues that may be causing these sensations. Finding supportive people you can talk to makes a big difference.

 

[Skylin]

I have been in abusive relationships.. a boyfriend, and family members. I would feel like things weren't really happening to me like I was watching it and then eventually it felt rehearsed. I would say hi to someone because they said hi to me and thats what people do.. but it didn't feel like me and then after I would get home and it was like I had never been wherever like the grocery store... but I had food and I knew I went it just didn't feel like I had or it felt like I had gone a very long time ago. Sometimes before going to the store I would get stressed and end up leaving upset just trying to get it over with. One of the family members I lived with never left the house well she would go outside but next to the house not to a store or to visit anyone so I had to do everything that involved leaving the house..

work, which feels robotic, shop, get the mail things like that.

Then in April of this year my house burned down because of an electrical thing... I watched it burn it was 3 am and I had to get my family out of the house and call the fire department. The house is gone that night feels like it never happened... so many people have helped my family and i am so grateful but it doesn't feel real at all. The house that burned had been my Grandmother's house so it had a lot of family things in it that I should be upset about but it doesn't feel real.. I use to live surrounded by the forest and now I am in the middle of town, on a busy street surrounded by pavement.. I miss the trees because that was my peaceful place but since I can't just get there everything feels out of control and I am just doing what I am suppose to do to keep everyone happy. One of the guys that helped started hanging around a lot but he would hug me and it didn't feel like my body.. the good news is the family member that never left the house started to socialize with the people helping us and has even gone to the store a few times.. I feel lost and numb and wonder if I will ever feel again.. I just react normally inside, I don't know if I know how to anymore. Does this get better?

I have never posted on forumns before so i'm not sure how these work .. but I guess i'm going to try to learn. I am glad there are people that can relate to these feelings because they are difficult to explain to someone who does not experience this.

 

[Skylin]

I wrote down the books you posted.. I love to read I will have to search them

 

[Phantasm]

I'm sorry what you've been through. Abusive relationships are often at the heart of dissociation, particularly with family. They affect how we feel about ourselves, our sense of self and safety in the world. I can relate to what you were saying about visiting the grocery store. Losing your house and having to move away from the forest must have been very hard. It was really kind of people to help out - sometimes it's reassuring to find out there are still good people in the world - and it's good your family member has started going out. Things can get better. I hope the books help as they helped me. I found they can work together like a program, with one covering what the other doesn't

 

[Skylin]

Phantasm, Thank you for your reply.

I have never talked about the abuse I kept everything a secret.

Tomorrow I go back to work after having 5 days off.. work is difficult because I do what is expected of me but I don't feel like its me doing it. After 2 days away from work I feel like I forget my job.. 5 days off is crazy! My concept of time is so confused and right now it feels like the 5 days never even happened but I know they did.

After the house burned I took 6 days off work.. I had no where to live. The emergency response people set me and my family up in a hotel for 3 days then it was up to us. We stayed with a person my mother knows until we moved where I am now.. I went back to work so soon.. I was right back to the same job as if nothing had changed.. but everything has changed I just can't feel it.. its like nothing is real. Now work feels very unreal maybe going back so soon has contributed to making things worse there. I wonder what the other people I work with feel at work.. I wonder if they are normal because when I'm there I am very quiet and shy.. I've always been that way but now some of it is because I don't know how to respond normally to the people around me.

Do you take meds that help? Maybe I shouldn't ask that i'm just curious about what might help.. I have never attempted to explain to a Doctor anything.. sometimes I wonder if I should if it would do any good at all or if it would just complicate my life.. Doctors are difficult for me, if they touch me its like its not my arm they are taking my blood pressure in.. I take meds to slow my heart rate down because its very fast and the Doctors can't figure out why.. they look for a physical reason but I wonder if the heart rate is related to the lost feelings.

I hope eveything is ok with you.. you seem very nice.

 

[Alan]

Hope you don't mind me adding to this.

I'd certainly discuss the way you're feeling with a doctor, from what you've described it sounds like you've suffered quite an ordeal and I'm not surprised that you would feel out of sorts. Medication is a path you could potentially pursue -- results vary depending on the individual but I'm always of the opinion that it never hurts to try, depending on the prescription.

You may very well be right with regards to the heart rate issue, it may be that it is anxiety related so that might be something you want to discuss.

Hope this post finds you well

 

[Phantasm]

Yep, accelerated heart rate can be caused by anxiety and you have been under a lot of strain, but it's good you got that checked out to be safe. It's funny how we can feel numb to things while our bodies are in a heightened state. It's not unusual to lose a sense of coherence or time passing, as well as feeling strange and disconnected from people around you.

I think a lot of people never speak about abuse because they can feel that they must have somehow been responsible. Healing maybe about learning that it's not your fault and that you did nothing to deserve it. I know it's a brave step, but speaking confidentially to someone about it might help. Medication can make a difference for a lot of people. It's a personal choice and something you should discuss with your doctor. I don't currently take any medication but antidepressants have helped me in the past.

Aw thanks Things are going okay for me in recovery terms. I'm feeling a lot clearer and more connected than I have in a long time.

 

[Skylin]

Phantasm, thats awsome sounds like you are doing good.

Alan I don't mind you adding to the post, thank you for sharing your thoughts.

I'm never suppose to talk about what happened, the abuse.. it was my fault. Years later a similiar thing happened.. its difficult for me to understand why or what I did. I avoid sleep because I have nightmares and wake up scared if I sleep too long.. I dream about the abuse sometimes or the house fire I would close my eyes and see fire then end up having nightmares.. it takes me a while when I wake up to convince myself i'm ok.. then when I know it was just a dream nothing feels real again.. even the room I sleep in... are nightmares part of depersonalization? When I get desperate and have to sleep I set an alarm for an hour at the most sometimes 30 min.. hoping I won't be asleep long enough to dream too bad... tonight I am tired..

On the way home from work tonight my ride had to pull over because of an ambulance and a fire truck that had their sirens on... sirens remind me of the night of the house fire and I just want to escape so I can't hear the sirens.. its crazy how everything around me feels fake.. I know its there but its like its not real.. like im just floating through wherever I am like i'm invisible to others but I know they can see me.. its so confusing.. I have no idea how I am suppose to feel.

This is the most I have ever talked about things.. I like coming here to this forum.. I'm not sure how I could explain anything to a Doctor.. i don't normally trust them.

I don't know what a doctor would ask me or if I could answer the questions..

I don't mean to be confusing on here..

 

[Phantasm]

I think one of the awful things about abuse is that the person can be left feeling that it must be their fault and that it must be because they are a bad person, but that's not so. It was only because the person doing it was in a stronger position and took advantage of that, and not because you did anything wrong. It's only that you were vulnerable, so weren't to blame.

It is hard talking to doctors, but it is confidential. Something that can help is to write out what you want to say to them before you go, so you can just hand it to them if you are finding it hard to communicate. I think some counselling could really help. I used to chat with a lady who worked at a center for women who had suffered abuse, maybe there is something like that where you are? Or a support group maybe. It also sounds like the fire affected you more than you can feel or process right now. Nightmares are not uncommon for people struggling with things that have happened to them.

 

[Skylin]

Your reply is making me think. A long time ago I had said something to someone about an experience I had gone through.. I said very little. I was told a lot that if I talk about abuse something bad would happen.. I know how stupid that sounds but still I worry.. there are other reasons its difficult too. So far what I have shared on here seems to be ok.. safe.

There is a center.. years ago one of the times I could not hide that something had happened someone suggested I call this women's support place... I called the center, I didn't say who I was but I kind of explained a little of what happened.. I was told by the lady that I could of died if my head had landed somewhere else.. all she wanted me to do was press charges.. I couldn't do that so I didn't talk with her again. I don't know what counselling involves or how to even go about that, does it ever makes things worse?

Have you experienced nightmares? Eventually they will stop? I'm not sure they are nightmares more like memories while I am sleeping.. I don't know how to explain them really.

Its still ok to post on here?

 

[eddy1886]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder

Its very common to experience Depersonalization with CPTSD

It is also very important that you reduce the stress levels in all areas of your life...

You are gonna be ok....

 

[Phantasm]

Family and social ties can make a situation difficult to talk about, so speaking to someone outside of your regular circle might be easier, especially if they understand what you've been through. It is all private and confidential.

I expect the lady you spoke to the first time was urging you to press charges because she was worried about your immediate safety, but the center should be able to offer you some guidance and support, and your doctor should be able to do the same. Counselling can be hard, but if it's with someone you feel comfortable talking to it can really help. I think nightmares are the mind's way of trying to work things out, as you've said they are more like memories. They can be horrible but I find it's best not to dwell on them, distract yourself for a while and then try to go back to sleep. Dreams are troubled when we feel troubled and when we feel better they settle down.

 

[Skylin]

Having the dreams settle down would be awsome.. I need them to go away, being scared to sleep is horrible.

I wouldn't know how to even begin to talk in counselling. . if I write things down i'm scared my family might read it... how does counselling help? What would I have to do.. its just talking? They would ask things?.. what happens if I can't answer?

I went shopping today.. the people seem so unreal.. someone I knew a long time ago recognized me and stopped to chat with me.. she didn't know about the house and she just assumed that I was still living there... I didn't tell her.. i'm terrible at talking about it I guess... maybe I can get better at it.. if it helps.

 

[Phantasm]

It's about having someone to talk to as a sounding board to help you make sense of things. You don't have to do or say anything you don't want to and can leave at any time

 

[Skylin]

Is it possible to feel better.. to get better without speaking with a counsellor,therapist?

I went to work today and usually go in early because I have a time thing.. it feels like my concept of time is messed up so I go early to make sure I am where I need to be.. anyway.. I walked in early and a girl that works with me approached me and asked me to draw fire!! She wanted a fireplace pic for something to do with Christmas.. I told her no at first and she kept pushing until I started to sketch a bad version of fire.. I couldn't do it.. all I could see what the fire from the house.. I told her I couldn't but she could look a pic up and print one.. she did that after showing me 5 or 6 different pictures of fireplaces... after she left, nothing around me felt real..

I was this way before the fire.. but I think its much worse now.. I tried so hard to think of something else to forget so I could do my job.. I don't know if working is a good idea.. I could never say all this to someone face to face.. typing seems to work though.. at least on here.. I just can't feel what I am suppose to feel.

 

[Phantasm]

They do say that all therapy is really self-therapy. Remember it's okay to ask your doctor what your options are. You don't have to commit to anything. If you look at the tabs near the top of the page, there's a blog section here where you can write about things if you'd like to