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In advance, I'd like to apologize for the huge post. I'm just restless and anxious right now and I want to get some stuff off my chest, and I don't really know where else to do so..

I'm Sean, 18 years old, and I've been depersonalized since I was 6 or 7. I don't know anything that triggered it, besides my parents separating, or my father's alcoholism, but I doubt that triggered it, but all I remember is being on a school trip, sitting in the bus and noticing everything felt "unreal," and it's been like that since.

The most likely suspect is my father's alcoholism, I guess, which he's had for about 20 years now, which has recently been resolved after he went to rehab for a month, after 2 near-death experiences because of his problem.

He's been clean for over 3 months now, so I don't worry much about that anymore, seeing his attitude towards it, he genuinely considered it his last chance.

Anyways, my DP/DR wasn't accompanied by panic attacks until I was around 11. When panic attacks would come in the form of nausea, and I would just completely panic daily, and often several times a day, and after about 2 years it slowly died down, and the past few years I haven't had many panic attacks until recently.

I don't remember much from my childhood in general, it's all a blur to me. Does anyone experience the same?

Lately, this has been driving me insane. I feel like I'm falling into myself, as if I'm disappearing, it's gradually becoming worse. I barely have willpower, it's nearly impossible for me to maintain healthy relationships because many emotions are almost numbed, and it's simply getting depressing now. I know I kind of contradicted myself in the last sentence, and I have no idea how it works, but I do feel like that; I barely experience emotions anymore, but the past few months I've been anxious and feeling depressed.

I dropped out of 1st year of school this year because I constantly felt like ####, sick and lacked motivation / willpower, though I'm starting again next year. I have nothing to do this year, nothing to look forward to, I have no trouble socializing, but I just can't be bothered to. This is just making everything worse, sleep schedule is all messed up constantly, anxiety is increasing, panic attacks are coming back, I can't sleep when I want to, and after I do fall asleep, I don't want to wake up and stay in bed as long as possible. It feels as if I'm slowly breaking down, constantly feeling anxious..

I'm also in a relationship which is driving me insane, for I don't really feel "love" anymore.. It disappeared for me a few months into the relationship, even though I still care for her so much, she's great, affectionate, beautiful, everything I want, yet I'm getting phases of paranoia where I worry about her cheating, drinking or doing drugs or whatever, even though I know those are irrational worries outside of those phases...

That brings me to the next thing, trust issues. I barely trust any friends with personal stuff like this post anymore, I'm just anxious, the only person I somewhat trust with any personal stuff is my girlfriend of a year, who is also the only person I feel I can talk to about my DP.

I'm sorry for pretty much posting my life story here. Again, I just want to get everything off my chest, and possibly talk to people who experience the same. Has anyone heard of any cases of long-term DP that was "cured" ?


- Sean
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