[Guest]

This is my third post here but i'm making it my true introduction post. So, hi. 8) I've enjoyed reading your posts. Right now I feel like I want/have to say a lot, to ramble on for hours...but alas I know better. I know better. That's the thing, I know better than to do that, but if I don't ramble on, then what do I do? I don't know myself well enough to say for sure. I mean, I probably do know myself, but you know, it all just gets distorted with so much obsessive thinking/analyzing. Right now I think i'm at a point where I can pretty accurately pinpoint where and why my DP started. It's taken me a while to get to this point. I'm not even saying i'm all better, i'm just saying i'm ready (kind of) to move on to the next step. I'm still stuck in a middle ground however. I'm afraid to move forward. these past 4 years have been hell, but in a way they've been great. I haven't gone to school, I haven't really had a steady job, and all i've done is hang out with friends when i'm feeling up to it and mess around on the computer. But even doing that hasn't been worry or anxeity free. Actually it's been the exact opposite. I mean that's why I have hardly left my house for 4 years.

As much as i'd love to go on and type out my life story so that I could validate it for somebody else besides me, I won't do it. I know better. I;d readlly love to though, but i'm sure it wouldn't matter. In a nutshell that's kinda what my life has been like for 4 years. Having these weird thoughts about being racist, about being a serial killer, about driving my car off a road into a river with my friend in the passenger seat. But in the back of my mind I kind of knew that i'd never do/was it. But you all know how that goes.

There's been so many things said here that i'm just so glad to have witnessed, bottom line. I've come close to ending my life so many times. The thing is, i'm not even sure if I won't ever actually do it. Just recognizing and knowing the dp (which I just found out they had a name for a few weeks ago) makes it alot easier to function in the world. But 4 years of this has left me absolutely fried. I'm afraid to move forward because I just don't remember what it feels like to be "normal" anymore. I can hardly look at myself in the mirror. I'm not even that bad looking. And somehwere in my head I know that. But looking in the mirror is just fucking intense and I avoid my reflection all day, every day. Even watching my shadow is a trip. Not like fun or anything, but intense and gloomy and like grey paint caked on a flower. I just don't know where to go from here, and even if I feel like putting up with all the hurt and work and disappointment that lies ahead, should I choose to suck it up and live again. Maybe that's my problem. I've been looking for my troubles and depression to be validated by someone for so long (because it feels like no one ever has really been there for me in my darkest times, and most likely (lets face it) nobody probably ever really does understand. Except people like you guys. People who have suffered it. The thing thats scared me most (and I guess i am giving you the life story after all) is that my uncle is schizophrenic and my mom used to have panic attacks and my Grandmother tried to kill herself. Maybe just knowing that has scared me more than actually being affected by some gene.

Anyway, the mental health situation of the world sucks. Meds are not the answer, and I just feel so fucking alone knowing that there are people out there that have felt as bad as I have and even worse. Like true schizophrenics etc. There is no God.

I don't know. Everything I do I feel like is a concerted effort to make people realize that i'm smarter than they had initially thought in their little brains. I'm always trying to prove myself. Stopping that won't be so hard and I have for the most part curtailed that need to validated somehow.

For a while I obsessed about people telling me that i'm fine when I'm really nuts. Like my therapist for example, I'd asked him at least 2 times if I was schizophrenic and he said definitely not everytime. But maybe he's just saying that so I won't freak out. Honestly, the way I have felt inside my head has been the scariest thing I've ever gone through. One long nightmare for 4 years. Even my dreams were shitty but they were better than reality.

Shit, sorry for going on so long.

I have a couple questions: does/do you think smoking affects d/p? Tobacco that is. As for marijuana and alcohol. I'm pretty sure that it has caused or contributed heavily to some of my d/p freakouts but ever since I realize that, it's been the same. Why doens't it change? Why can't I relax when I'm drunk or stoned, I just think it's because we're so anxiously waiting for it to happen again, that we create the experience before it happens just so that all our worrying and over analyzing will have payed off. To make our minds feel better.

Anyway I'm sick of thinking about this already. I don't know what i'm going to do today. Maybe clean my house. Then what. Hmm, maybe play Resident Evil 4. I didn't sleep at all last night. I was up all night playing RE4. Actually, i'm starting to think it's not so bad. (writing/typing it out really does help) I don't mind working and meeting people so much. I just have to put myself out there. I don't know what you all think of me after reading all that but I hope you like me. I'm a nice guy. I really am, i Just haven't seriously conversed with people in 4 years so I'm just getting the hang of it again. Hope you all get better.

Oh and here are some song lyrics:

(Built to Spill- "Lie for a Lie") I can see a storm awaiting / quietly anticipating / don't deny it / no debating / a lie for a lie / a truth for a truth cruel but everybody does it / thought by now I'd rise above it / you complain but don't discuss it / a lie for a lie / a truth for a truth I know what thoughts are on your brain / even if they're not the same / close enough so don't explain / a lie for a lie / a truth for a truth once in a while there's this girl I don't know in my dreams / she reminds me of a lot of people / but she's someone that I've never seen / and she's perfect

(Ween- "Zoloft") Gimme that Z-O-L-O-F-T
Gimme a grip
Make me love me
Suckin' 'em down
I'm happy man
Can feel it inside
Makin' me smile

Realize that the sky is not made of gold
Don't disguise the nature of your soul

Gimme that Z-O-L-O-F-T
No longer pissed
You don't bother me
I'm making it through
I'm giving my all
When base are loaded
I'm whacking the ball

Don't crowd the mind, don't drain the source
The path of life's not so easy to coarse, buddy

Gimme that Z-O-L-O-F-T
Gimme a grip
Make me love me
Suckin' 'em down
I'm happy man
Can feel it inside
Makin' me smile

(Joy Division "Digital")
Feel it closing in
Feel it closing in
The fear of whom I call
Every time I call
I feel it closing in
I feel it closing in
Day in, day out
Day in, day out
Day in, day out
Day in, day out
Day in, day out
Day in, day out

I feel it closing in
As patterns seem to form
I feel it cold and warm
The shadows start to fall
I feel it closing in
I feel it closing in
Day in, day out
Day in, day out
Day in, day out
Day in, day out
Day in, day out

I'd have the world around
To see just whatever happens
Stood by the door alone
And then it's fade away
I see you fade away
Don't ever fade away
I need you here today
Don't ever fade away
Don't ever fade away
Don't ever fade away
Don't ever fade away
Fade away. Fade away
Fade away. Fade away
Fade away. Fade away
Fade away.

 

[Guest]

I find that smoking cigarettes helps actually.. i smoke em.. and it gives me some time to be alone and contemplate calmly the position im in. Gets rid of the anxiety when im out and about as well. Too bad it kills ya.

eDfGr33n
"no negative response here.. i like em."

 

[Monkeydust]

You remind me of myself.

I, too, obsessed for ages about being insane, and sought validation to confirm that I was not from every place available. At times, I thought they were just saying I wasn't going schizo to make me "feel better".

Now it's been over two months of severe DP/DR for me, and I've come to think that if I was going to become a schizophrenic it probably would have already happened by now.

Honestly, the way I have felt inside my head has been the scariest thing I've ever gone through.

Same as. And, as it's in our heads, there's never much of an escape; there's no "safe place".

does/do you think smoking affects d/p?

I haven't smoked in a while. But I can recall the two weeks after DP first hit me badly. During this period I convinced myself that I was feeling "fine" or at least getting better, but everytime I smoked I would feel incredibly light-headed, unreal and anxious as a result of this.

Whilst I doubt regular smoking will dramatically worsen your DP, it probably won't help.

As for your general DP/DR, I can't say whether or not you will get better, but it's certainly a fact that you can.

If I were you I'd "force" myself to get on with life, as much as I'd feel able. I've come to believe that staying withdrawn has only made me worse - it makes the rest of the world seem even more unfamiliar, and makes me even more "inside my own head".

 

[Guest]

Smoking is my passifier. In fact, i feel like having one right now, if it weren't 20 degrees outside.