I think ... I think I feel better because I felt reconnect with my work. Today I actually felt competent and not in a daze where moments last forever and I struggle through every task. It's like a veil has lifted.
I think, for me, it's because I'm not fully realized as a person that I get into the depersonalized state. I don't feel like I can stand alone. I had a very enmeshed relationship with my mother. She wasn't sipportive of me individuating. So I don't have a secure self on my own. Today I was able to connect with my work. I wasn't able to do this all of last year. Same job. But today I was able to and all my old skills came back to me. I didn't feel the fog any more and I feel like I can make it: a living and friends again.
Am I totally cured, I doubt it. My issues run deep and I don't think I have a well integrated adult self. I don't know what I am really. Not an adult and not a kid ... I'm almost 50. And I still am not developed.
But I'm glad I didn't give up. I'm glad I didn't do anything to harm myself which is what I considered. I am not so rejectable which I felt from my parents. I'm not so bad. And I need to let myself be. Me and my flaws. And not think that one mistake will mean that ppl won't like me or I'll get fired or something.
Don't give up.
