[armin]

In 1st of October I smoked some of dat devil's lettuce but this time it had unexpectedly foken high THC in it. I felt my heart pounding and it made me think that it's fast af and I'm having a heart attack (which wasn't true lol I was just high af lmao), which gave me a panic attack, people I smoked with called an ambulance which made my belief on a heart attack stronger and I felt like I was dying, even telling everyone goodbye.

But well, since then I have what seems to be DP. I did some research myself and at first I thought it's GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) then I saw the vid by Depersonalization Manual on yt and it fitted a lot more. There are times when I have random terrifying thoughts, like in the middle of a conversation I'll suddenly think "get out of this body, cause it's not yours" or "I'm not actually here". While the "Holy Grail" post here did help and I feel a lot better, there are still some stuff that kick me back into "there", like I have out of focus vision, and I never had problems before my panic attack. Maybe it's because of my fked up sleep schedule, and maybe it'll become better, I mean I read the "Holy Grail" just yesterday, and I am working towards healing myself. I don't feel alive or real mostly and everytime I experience joy I feel guilt with it. Like the jokes I'm hearing or telling feel cliche, everything feels cliche like nothing is new. And the worst is I can't imagine myself not having these thoughts. But I do remember how I was a lot better before all this.

I am currently unemployed and all I do is play The Witcher 3 all day lol, which does help actually. But I think that's part of the problem, cause I'm not experiencing the actual life. It will be fixed in spring time, though. We are planning on moving to another country, so I think everything will be fixed there. But it's still hell here and now, trapped inside my mind.

But anyway, welcome a new member to the DP gang, ayy.

 

[ithinkimighthaveddd]

Welcome! I just joined today myself. I´m sorry you´re going through all that, that must have been very scary... It sounds like a very traumatic experience. Probably what triggered the DP for you, as you described it. I´m not sure what triggered it for me, I´ve had it for a loooong time... hopefully it will pass sooner for you though! Healthy habits, such as fixing a sleep schedule can definitley reduce the symptoms. I feel like anxiety and DP are related to each other (one or the other can trigger the other and vice versa) and I know from personal experience, that lack of sleep can make both worse. So yeah, it´s good to get that fixed.

I hope that by moving and getting out more, that you will feel better. Getting more active and just living life in general despite DP is probably what can make it go away in time. If you think about it too much and get swept by the uncomfortable thoughts, it can make it worse. Let the thoughts come and pass, because they do, unless you focus heavily on them. For me, I´m used to living as if life is a hazy dream. My memory sucks and I´m disconnected from my feelings and such. It doesn´t scare me, it just makes stuff a bit more difficult for me. Like knowing what I want and like. To act in the moment. I can be unsure what to do and be frozen in different situatuations, because I feel so distant. Logic and rationality has helped me a lot though. Knowing my values. Because my feelings aren´t clear, logic has helped me to navigate and still live an alright life. I just have to force myself to act sometimes and do things anyway. But it would be wonderful if I could feel more, at some point. To not feel so alien or faded. To have more clarity. Just keep going forward, do nice things for yourself, be nice to yourself and others, and you can still live an alright life. If you can afford it, a good therapist could help too. I really hope you´ll feel better.