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this is going to be weird as hell to talk about because i've learnt to hide this massive chunk of my life fo a fucking while. but hey, i believe i have derealisation/depersonalisation (i haven't actually been diagnosed) and i just wanted to talk about my current experience to people who may be dealing with the same thing and to hopefully feel less alone in what i'm going through.

so the first time i experiences derealisation was when i was 11/12 and as funny as it sounds, i smashed into a damn lamppost. not my finest moment in life, but it was one of the scariest feelings ever! i remember walking down my school corridor and being so freaked out. i didn't know what was going on, i thought it was just me being super dizzy and light headed but everything was so hazy and it felt like i was in a dream, i felt so out of touch with everything and i went home because i felt so fucking awful. i tried to sleep it off and eventually it did go but it's sadly returned, and i've been dealing with this for around 3/4ish years now. i really don't understand what caused it but i suffered with a lot of mental health problems that i believe may have triggered it (depression, social anxiety, anxiety)

i've read a lot that it mostly occurs from smoking weed or trauma, which i don't think caused mine as i haven't necessarily had anything extremely traumatic happen to me and i have not smoked weed but it may have been caused by multiple mini traumas in my life or extreme stress and anxiety i deal with constantly.

as it's been so long i've had to learn to adjust to this awful feeling but it seems to get gradually worse, i feel so detached from not just my surroundings but now my internal thoughts and emotions and even my memory is hazy and blurred. i cant think straight, i'm such a paranoid person who overthinks everything so much but i cant anymore. i feel like i'm putting on a fake persona to the world because i've lost who i was and i'm just losing myself as a person. i'm too scared to talk to a doctor about it because i think they'll disregard it as not drinking enough or not getting enough sleep and due to my social anxiety i find it so hard to even go outside, never mind talk to a stranger about my struggles.

i think i came on here to hopefully find a solution, something to help it gradually get better. i have good days and bad days, my good days will never be 'good'. i just wish i could have my childhood back and recount everything that is going on around me and to feel like i'm here but it's too late for me to do so. i just wish i was normal again and wouldn't always be in a dream like state or feel like there's constantly a sheet over me, blurring my world. i've gone on for a while but i just want help
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