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Hello, community. I'm a new member of the forum and don't really know where to start, so I thought I'd go with an introductory post.

I'm 17 years old, and have suffered from depersonalization since I was in middle school. I've also struggled with depression, ocd, eating disorders, and a complicated relationship with substance since around the same time.

I've been in therapy once before, and am actively trying to get back to that. From my first experience with a therapist, I've been able to pinpoint the root of my depersonalization in a period of abuse during my very early childhood. My symptoms starting appearing around a time when my complicated feelings around and relationship with my sexuality lead me to some bad places with some bad people around the 12 year mark in my life.

My episodes always start with this strange feeling in my stomach, followed by long periods of time where I feel like I've been swallowed by a wormhole somewhere in my body. All sexual thoughts and feelings make me feel all wrong, I can't eat, my words don't come out right, I can't understand what other people are saying to me. I lose all sense of depth perception, and anything rectangular (doors, bookshelves, etc) seem like they're 100 feet tall and 100 miles away. My limbs feel massive, and I feel like I have no business being in my body. I also have deep, resounding feelings of fury that I feel through some sort of filter, where every sound and every movement feels like anger but everything on the surface of my mind feels deadly calm.

When I was little and first started having these feelings, I honest to god thought that it meant that I had been chosen by some higher power and was ascending into some new plane of existence. It sounds silly, but I was so young and felt so isolated, and the feelings were so intense and strange that I couldn't explain them outside of the supernatural.

Today, I continue to suffer through episodes of which my symptoms fluctuate. Some are very intense and last for weeks during which I can't interact with anyone and do nothing but have breakdowns in my bed. Others are short and triggered by seemingly inconsequential things, and I can operate through them. Some symptoms of detachment from the world around me exist in every second of my life as constants. In all, I just feel like a crazy person and a wimp who can't seem to function correctly like a normal human being - like someone weak for whom everything is unnecessarily difficult.

All in all, I've spent a long time feeling very alone and very scared. Coupled with intense depression, obsessions over all aspects of my life that lead to constant panic and self hatred, and a very poor relationship with my family, intimacy, and substance, I have quite a bit of trouble operating in the day to day. I'd love to feel less alone in my experience, and I'm hoping this community can help me. I'd like to find ways to feel less complete isolation in my suffering, as well as talk to people and make friends who can help me understand my disorder and untangle some of the confusion I have over symptoms and crossovers with my other problems.

I'd also like to start coming to terms with and connecting with my trauma and my painful past. I'm hoping that since so many people with dpdr have a history of trauma, this community will also make it easier for me to do that.

So, yeah. I feel like my life is falling apart and like I'm going absolutely crazy and that everything is going downhill at warp speed ! Figured there's no need to do that alone. Thank you all for (hopefully) being so welcoming.

-Liz
 

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Hey Liz,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, i hope you are in therapy for your trauma? as this is a massive part of what you are experiencing.. The stomach thing is actually explained in Reddit by someone.. yeah i read a lot

"It is due to elevation in sympathetic activity in the autonomic nervous system.

This activates what is commonly know as the fight or flight response, this can happen on a scale though so the "butterflies" are a minor version of it. This process happens when the body perceives a threat, it diverts blood flow away from non-essential organs, such as those in digestion, and towards the muscles. This is caused by an increase in the levels of the hormone adrenaline which also leads to increased heart rate, sweating and in severe instances panic attacks.

This is also why certain people have different levels of nervousness to the same situation it is all to do with their levels or adrenaline and adrenaline receptors."

So that explains, basically it's anxiety. I'd hope you go to a Neurologist or at least look up Alice In Wonderland vs DR... i'm not sure which one you are describing but you will...

You aren't alone
 

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Epileptic syndromes can produce wormholes, depression, and altered states of consciousness. Could it be your episodes are actually focal temporal lobe seizures?

Mine were. An EEG explained everything. If I were you, I would have one done sometime.
 
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