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Hi, my name is Mara. I'm a 26 year old lesbian transgender woman... I live in California, SF bay area. I feel a lot more of a connection with other LGBT folks, hence the thread title. Any LGBT folks here feel free to PM me, maybe we could start a group or something.

I think I've had some depersonalization my whole life. Gender dysphoria makes it complicated, a little hard to piece out. I have a weird eating disorder, "avoidant". Also have severe seasonal effective disorder. Progesterone and Prozac help me the most... showering, and crying help a lot short term. I love crying. Sleep deprivation/bad sleep schedule makes it worse and I've always seemed to be addicted to it. All kinds of self care help and I have issues doing them enough (showering, grooming etc).

One thing that's pretty central to my experience is the feeling of things (memories) fading away. Things will happen like crying a lot that help me feel more real, but it fades. And just when I go out and do things or have a good time. It fades and feels more dreamlike by next week, a month it's like an old black and white movie, a year and it's a few lines in a book.

I've had a few big experiences that I'll probably post more about somewhere else:

- 14 years old, reading "Nausea" by Jean Paul Sartre, I think it might have changed me and caused my depersonalization. I was reading it kind of like a bible and consciously decided that it was better or more accurate to look at the world in a certain way.

- 20 years old, after being on Abilify for a year, I stopped abruptly and went on Wellbutrin. Started transitioning and my depersonalization turned off completely one day after crying a ton, then it gradually came back over the course of another year. Still kind of heartbroken.

- 22 years? In therapy, I came to realize that my feelings of depersonalization have been here my whole life... cried my eyes out. It faded away too.

- today... not exactly an experience but I'm really tired of it. I'm really really exhausted. I heard about Naltrexone a few months ago and have been trying to get on it since. I've got my hopes up a lot for it and it's a little scary. I'm depressed enough that I'm not sure where I'll be if it doesn't help me. I just tried 0.4mg noloxone and I'm not sure if it helped.

- It's probably worth mentioning that I tried to start transitioning in high school, then I dropped out and went into a weird dark repression phase until I was 19, when I went on Abilify. Before i went on Abilify, I was a VERY weird kid. From what I remember (and what I've been told) I spoke so much in abstractions that no one could really understand me and I couldn't hold a normal conversation... Abilify taught me social awareness and how to adapt and be "normal". I'd really love to know if anyone else went through a phase like this socially.

Something else I kinda wanna mention about DP and gender dysphoria...... I think they're pretty much inseparable for me, EXCEPT that sometimes, occasionally, I'll actually be feeling really good about my gender presentation, really femme and not dysphoric, and then I STILL feel like there's something off. It's so much better than the dysphoric DP, it's kind of a good thing? Something I like a lot better at least. But still the disconnect, like who the heck is this weird awkward girl I'm being... whereas seeing myself as male is pretty excruciatingly painful and unreal to the point of being trippy. Anyone else have a "good and bad" or at least "better and bad" depersonalization?

Thanks for being here, community.
 
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