[Guest]

Well a forum like this is somewhere I never thought I would be, I am gonna tell my story, and I don't really know what will happen then, I'm just gonna yap on for a bit. I apologise in advance as this is probably gonna be a flood of babble, I will try to keep it as coherent as possible, and MANY thnx in advance to anybody who takes time out of there day to read this crap.

I have had a few things happen over the last couple of months which may have contributed to what I am feeling now, I am just gonna list them.

* I worked as a fitness trainer at my local gym, for over a year and a half now, the owner of the gym was a really good friend, we talked almost daily, deeply, and about all problems, he was a real crutch for me when the love of my life left me 2 years ago. 2 months ago the gym was taken over and I lost my job, just as I was reaching the limit on my overdraft, and also I never get so see my friend anymore due to circumstance.

* After a night out drinking with the boys, I was eating some food and breathed it (HAHA) and had to go to A&E as it went into my lung, luckily I was OK, and suffered only a lung infection as a result, which is still hindering me now, a little, after a couple of courses of antibiotics I am still coughing a little, and have not been able to train, not being able to train has been a real problem for me, as the gym was like a second home for me, and training was a very large part of my life, VERY large, I also was worried about going back when I WAS better, as I used to train for free, & work there, and now I have no income and will have to pay 28/month to train, which I don't have.

* My beloved Smokey (CAT) was run over a few weeks back. For as long as I can remember (15 or so years) my whole family had been my mom, smokey, and my partner (partner of 9 years before she left me couple of years ago) the loss of smokey hit me very hard.

* My best friend went away to work on a ship for 6 months

* Another very good friend has gone away to America for 3-6 months

* I recently found out what I was dreading for 2 years, the day I have been fearing deep down came about, and I found out my ex-partner had been seeing somebody else AND he had not been treating her well.

* My ex-partner is also the singer in my Band, so we see each other 2 - 3 times a week, and get on well, but its still very hard for me to cope with, but I have to do it as our band has had interest from major record labels, and is what I want to do with my life, she went away 4 weeks ago for a month, so band activity stopped which probably did not help.

* General stress with the band, it is very hard because there is allot of conflict within the band, me and my ex-partner write all the music, and the other band members take it upon themselves to do things without our approval, so I am always worrying, + trying not to have a go at them.

* the last few months have been really worrying also because my ex-partner who is 60% of the talent in this band (VERY good looking, amazing voice, superb piano player and song writer) has be so low in confidence and belief (she says due to this "bad person" in her life) that she was even questioning if music was what she wanted to do with her life anymore. She has been 100% PASSIONATE about music since she was 6! if she quit, my life would have to go down a normal route probably which scares me more than ANYTHING.

* I am very lucky I do have other really good friends, but my main friend who I see at this time, almost daily at the moment, it is hard for me to burden him because his Dad is dying of cancer and he has shortly ago suffered a break up from the girl he loves as well, and is in a mess himself.

I think the combination of all these things has simply caught up with me and bit me on the ass, 3 weeks ago I was checking an e-mail, or about to, and was dreading what it was going to say, about my band, and I just felt my head go, almost slip into this slightly less conscious state, and since then, I have been struggling with depression, stress, worry, anxiety, panic attacks, etc etc etc and all the symptoms of DP, despite several doctors trips, and blood tests, they have found me to be 100% apart from my chest/lung/ear infection, short of a trip to the neurologist the doctors are at a loss, and so is everybody else.

IS THIS DP!?!?! is it possible that all this has caught up with me and caused DP?

I started describing it to the doctor as, "like I had had a couple of beers, but without the good bit" uno when u have had 3 - 4 pints and everything is just that bit surreal, well that's how I feel 24/7 and the worry it has been causing me is spiraling me down and down and down into deeper depression, worry, anxiety etc..

HELP somebody please just tell me something..

I really am sorry about all this rabble but I don't know where else to turn.

any help or advice will be so much appreciated.

 

[Guest]

Oh and I almost forgot, I am worrying constantly about dying, like there is something really wrong with me, like a brain tumour, or something wrong with my brain, I love life so much, and have so much to do with it, great friends, fantastic band, I love to train and be fit and healthy, I love to party also! Im gonna be SO pissed off if I check out to some crap shit freak occurance brain problem!

 

[Guest]

The good news is that you do NOT have a Crap Shit Freak Occurance Brain Problem (wonderful Disorder name, grin).

The bad news is that you're probably in the middle of a bit of a nervous breakdown. It happens. To many of us (and to many more than you'd know as most people try to hide it)

There are "names" for it all, sure....and you've already named most of them. Anxiety and panic attacks, depression, obsessiveness, depersonalization and (maybe) derealization (that's where the outer world looks odd, or surreal or just like a dream state)

But all those names basically boil down to "breakdown" - your psyche had HAD it, and just lost its ability to cope (or its ability to use the defenses it had been relying on)

The BEST thing you can do at this point is to keep moving, keep going, do NOT turn more inward, do not let yourself "self-monitor" although I know that is all you really want to do.

I'll write more in a minute, want to post this.

J

 

[Guest]

Also, I extend my deepest condolences about Smokey. Many of us here are animal nuts, grin....I know the bond. I do. My heart just goes out to you.

But you CAN survive pain without feeling like you're going crazy. You just might not trust that fact yet.

My personal recommendation is to look for a good therapist - just someone to talk with - to open up to and see where it leads. IF you cannot function at all, you might consider meds....but many people are very anti-medication, so you might or might not choose that route.

The thing you MUST do is to stop watching yourself so closely. Forget about trying to work out in your mind what happened. You collapsed. period. The work now is to find out HOW to push yourslef back into reality and to at the same time, through therapy, work on learning more about yoruself so you don't do it again.

But forcus OUTward as much as possible. The temptation will be tremendous to observe your every thought and every move. DON'T. When you do it anyway, grin...resolve to stop. Keep fighting that temptation. You will have to fight it every hour and maybe every minute. FIGHT it.

Trust me.
Or if you don't, read other posts and see the horror it can create.

Take care,
Janine

 

[Guest]

Fantastic reply Janine, I think your extremely kind to take time out of your day, to not only read my long ass post, but to respond with such good advice.

"derealization (that's where the outer world looks odd, or surreal or just like a dream state"

This is what is causing me the most problem really, it is hard not to worry/get frustrated about this feeling, its the whole unknowing of when I am going to see the world with my own eyes again is what is causing me the most stress.

SO basically I need to not pay attention to this feeling? and try and just get on with my busy life as best as possible? is this the best approach? get back to training at the gym and being active with my band and social life? I wont bother with meds yet.

I will seek out a therapist if the above does not show me improvement in the next few weeks, I think being ill and not being able to train contributed allot, as training was such a focus in my everyday life, and of course the band activity stopping as well meant that my two main focuses in life stopped for a few weeks, probably weakened me allot and set me up for the fall.

Thanx again, feel free to add anything if you think my approach is wrong or I need to do something different, but for now that's my plan, normality, stand up straight with my head up high and head straight for it!

Me (soon I hope)

 

[anti-anti depressants]

Just wanted to say that's awesome advice from Janine.

Well done!