G
Guest
·(I just wrote a post, but my computer deleted it. Starting over...)
I first began experiencing depersonalization and derealization when I was 11, and I've had both conditions non-stop ever since. Today was my 19th birthday. I drove through a forest, went to a gorgeous beach ? beautiful places, things I used to be passionate about ? yet saw and felt nothing. Even the smell of the sand and salt, the sounds of crashing surf, were not truly there. Sometimes I wonder if my soul has left my body, yet I somehow keep on living ? a shell of a being, a shadow driven on by mere physical existence.
It amazes me how much information I have found on the internet. I've been to countless doctors and psychologists, and not a single one has been able to properly diagnose me, much less treat me. It seems like I have tried almost every kind of medication ? anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, even anti-psychotics ? and none of them have had the slightest effect on my condition. No one knows what I am talking about. No one understands how utterly terrible this existence is.
Birthdays are hard; they remind me of how long I have lived this way, but they also terrify me because of the future. I read a posting on this forum from a taxi driver who encouraged that people can live with depersonalization ? just look at him! He can't feel his own body, he can't feel his own mind, he can't experience happiness ? but he has an excellent driving record. He can drive just fine!
What's the point of living if you can't feel alive? I absolutely refuse to spend the rest of my life like this, pining away for reality. I would rather die, and maybe move on to something beautiful, than spend the rest of my life suffering a living death. All the success and accomplishment and beauty in the world don't mean a thing if you can't experience them. I'm starting to forget what it was like before, back when I was really alive; I'm starting to forget how life is supposed to be. What am I supposed to be passionate about; what do I love? How long will it take for me to re-discover the world, other people, myself? Will it ever happen?
Today is my 19th birthday; I give myself one year. If, by the time I turn 20, there is still not one concrete glimmer of hope, I officially give up. The unknown seems a better choice than nothingness.
I first began experiencing depersonalization and derealization when I was 11, and I've had both conditions non-stop ever since. Today was my 19th birthday. I drove through a forest, went to a gorgeous beach ? beautiful places, things I used to be passionate about ? yet saw and felt nothing. Even the smell of the sand and salt, the sounds of crashing surf, were not truly there. Sometimes I wonder if my soul has left my body, yet I somehow keep on living ? a shell of a being, a shadow driven on by mere physical existence.
It amazes me how much information I have found on the internet. I've been to countless doctors and psychologists, and not a single one has been able to properly diagnose me, much less treat me. It seems like I have tried almost every kind of medication ? anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, even anti-psychotics ? and none of them have had the slightest effect on my condition. No one knows what I am talking about. No one understands how utterly terrible this existence is.
Birthdays are hard; they remind me of how long I have lived this way, but they also terrify me because of the future. I read a posting on this forum from a taxi driver who encouraged that people can live with depersonalization ? just look at him! He can't feel his own body, he can't feel his own mind, he can't experience happiness ? but he has an excellent driving record. He can drive just fine!
What's the point of living if you can't feel alive? I absolutely refuse to spend the rest of my life like this, pining away for reality. I would rather die, and maybe move on to something beautiful, than spend the rest of my life suffering a living death. All the success and accomplishment and beauty in the world don't mean a thing if you can't experience them. I'm starting to forget what it was like before, back when I was really alive; I'm starting to forget how life is supposed to be. What am I supposed to be passionate about; what do I love? How long will it take for me to re-discover the world, other people, myself? Will it ever happen?
Today is my 19th birthday; I give myself one year. If, by the time I turn 20, there is still not one concrete glimmer of hope, I officially give up. The unknown seems a better choice than nothingness.
