I would really appreciate some help.
I'm not actually sure what is wrong with me... depersonalization? depression? anxiety? Am I just making it all up?
It all started over 4 months ago when I went on what should have been a relaxing holiday, however my anxiety being my anxiety I convinced myself something awful was going to happen while I was away. I spent the entire time away looking over my shoulder, not relaxing etc. and then when I was on the plane home I convinced myself that I was going to get deep vein thrombosis, and when I was driving home I had a panic attack on the side of the road.
I got home and pretty much broke down on my mum and dad, I'd never really experienced proper anxiety before (I've had panic attacks but know how to control these), but when I was away I was having palpitations, nausea, sweats, waking in the night shaking etc. I thought being home things would just go back to normal but they never seemed to.
I had another couple of panic attacks but I kept having this 'feeling' of everything around me feeling foreign and me not feeling like I was really here... I think this was derealization?
Since then I do feel like I've improved. I no longer feel like things around me feel foreign (although I'm still not sure they feel 100% normal - but I think this is down to me always thinking "what did I used to feel/think when looking at this/out this window" etc.).
I haven't had panic attacks since about 4 months ago, but I keep questioning everything to do with how I feel.
I rarely feel hungry, and when I do get a slight pang of hunger I have no idea what to eat. I used to feel hungry all the time, and would recognise when I needed to eat because I would get 'hangry'. I never get this anymore. I went out for dinner the other night to what is supposed to be one of my favourite places, and I wasn't even excited for the food (normally I'd be buzzing for it!), and when I ate it, I just ate it, I wasn't going crazy about it being so nice etc. And normally I would get to a point of eating it that i'd feel so full I couldn't possibly have another bite, and I'd take some home for lunch the next day, but I just never got to that point, I stopped myself from eating all of it because intellectually I knew but I didn't feel it.
I still do/watch the things I enjoy, but I'm not getting the buzz from them that I used to. And I sit there most of the time thinking 'how did I used to feel when I was doing/watching this?' and questioning it because I never had to work at getting enjoyment from things it just came naturally. This includes my job, normally I'm absolutely buzzing after a day at work but I can't get that back. Last night I went to a dance show, something so cheesy that again I would normally love, and I actually sat in the audience and cried because I don't feel like I used to about things.
This one is a bit of a strange one but it's almost like I don't know what I do and don't like, or do and don't want to do anymore - if that makes sense? It used to be that friends would ask me to meet up and I'd get to the day and I'd be like "I can't be bothered, or i'm too tired" or i'd make up any excuse (this didn't happen all the time, but I'm very much a home bird and lazy so it happened aha!). Same with food, i'd be quite a fussy eater and now it's like I just eat whatever I know I don't enjoy it, whereas before I'd be like no i don't want that ... i want this instead, but now I can't find that.
I always used to know/wouldn't question what I should be doing at any given moment, for example when I get home from work normally I'd just be talking random stuff with my family, or I'd know I'd go and watch something specific on TV, but now I don't do that, and I can sit there and think "what did I used to do?". And again another strange one, I used to know if I felt bored so i'd pester my friends to see if they want to go out, but I never find myself feeling bored if that makes sense?
I also don't ever feel anxious about anything at the moment. And not that I always felt anxious about a lot of things, but sometimes for example going to big meetings I'd get nervous, or if I was called upon in a meeting I'd get nervous, or walking into an office that I don't know. But again I don't... and it sounds so silly but I want that back.
Also I'm a big sports fan, and normally I'd get very nervous before a game or whatever, but I don't find myself feeling nervous/thinking about it too much. And then I still go along and cheer for my team, but it still doesn't give me that adrenaline rush that I normally get.
It's like before I would always just know how I felt i.e. if I felt happy (which I did a lot of the time), or if I was in a bad mood (which obviously happened), and also (from a female point of view sorry!) I would know when I felt a bit fragile because of 'that time of the month'. But now I just don't recognise anything. I knew how I felt in the morning i.e. if I woke up and I felt really tired or refreshed, but now nothing. My body clock also used to wake me up early but now I feel tired a lot of the time, but I don't really recognise when I need to go to sleep, so I do... but everything just felt like it used to come so much more naturally? Nothing feels natural anymore.
This all just makes me question so much, and I just want me back. Please does this sound like DP or depression? I really don't know how to get me back. Depression is so weird, because I do get down every now and again but that's because I don't understand why I'm not back to feeling like me, but it's not a low mood because I'm depressed... if that makes sense? Like I don't feel worthless or hopeless. I was seeing a therapist but she kept saying it's anxiety, but I don't see how, and I don't understand how to overcome this if it is the case?
I don't see how I'll stop questioning it until I'm back to being me