[Guest]

i can't take it anymore. it's a thursday night, and i watch my phone ring. too dp-ed to hang out with friends, too lethargic from my meds to go to the gym. i am hurting myself, i know, it's all me, my dad tells me it's my decision, will this rule my life? and he uses golf analogies and examples from sports psychology magazines and as i talk to him my voice get flat and my soul drifts away and i can't explain that i don't know how to spend my time because my needs keep changing. i can't explain to him that while he rose out of poverty, out of adversity, i create my own, i pass the time by killing it, i've been smoking pot every day for a year. my psychiatrist thinks its affects on dp are unknown when your dp isn't drug induced, but my therapist is begging me to quit. he is begging me to be here now. but i want to be anywhere but here. i want to smoke so badly. because it saves me from the knowledge that i am wasting my life, my spirit, my energy, and it's dying. and that it's all my fault.

 

[ShyTiger]

Im not mary jane but....stop smoking! You are wasting your life continuing running from what you dont want to face. Just face it(i know easier said but will be worth the try i think) and then you have the opportunity to make changes. It is normal that needs change, therfore how you do things change. I like the sound of your therapist.

 

[person3]

It's not about the pot (damn hippies ) It's about what you're using the pot to escape from. Not knowing what you want or feeling worthless, etc. Those are the things you should bring up in therapy. Kind of like you could talk about whether or not to change the oil on your car, and you know that changing the oil would be the BEST choice, but if your engine is in dire need of repair that's the thing that really needs to be worked on.

Thoughts of feeling worthless and not good enough are parts of depression; disorted thinking. You might want to address the stuff with your family and friends to your therapist. Your dad sounds like mine...loftily quoting things from other sources thinking it will be the cure all, when it sounds like you probably need someone to say "ok. I understand. I'm sorry."

 

[mcsiegs]

i want to smoke so badly. because it saves me from the knowledge that i am wasting my life, my spirit, my energy, and it's dying. and that it's all my fault.

Interesting paradox.

I am not going to judge your pot usage, because everyone (including me) has crutches and addictions of their own.

For the sake of your well-being, try and cut back. Listen to your therapist. Sounds like a "I am my own worst enemy" story.

Here is wishing you well...

 

[Guest]

thanks for not being judgemental... most of you.

anyways. my therapist is right. i told him that. but here is my paradox (so true, btw).

some things i'd like to do with my time: see my friends.but i've been such a hermit these days, i can't be myself around my friends anymore. i've already disappointed my (ex) best friend who wanted to see my old lively cheerful self and i let her down and she let me know it and that hurt so much... and i'd rather stay in my room on a friday night than go through that again. so i feel trapped, but again, it's really all my fault. that i self-monitor, that i can't be funny anymore the way i used and and just joke around with my friends and whatever. but i'd also like to go to the gym, you know, just do something for me. but i am so lethargic these days from the celexa i can't even do that. i feel trapped in my mind and my body, but still, it's really MY fault.

so here is where the dilemma starts. it's not that i am so addicted to weed that i can't do anything else. it's that i can't do anything else, i don't know what to do, to make me happy, to make me ME. and so i smoke, which is stupid, i admit, but here i am in my room again and it's a friday night and i am all alone. and i hate myself for it.

 

[peaceboy23]

It is NOT your fault...no matter how hard it is to believe that, it's true. I have been down that road many times...my friend lets me down, or I get chastised for something unrelated to me at work, or whatever scenario you can imagine, and I beleive that it is all MY fault. But it's not. We don't control everything about the world, and other people are their own sentient beings who can be cruel or stupid or silly. It is a trap of depression and anxiety disorders, however, that we automatically point the fingers at ourselves for anything that goes wrong around us or even in the world as a whole...i have heard that people with serious OCD or other problems have gone so far as to think earthquakes or other disasters might be attributal to them becuase of something they thought or did. The point is, these things are NOT your fault, and you need to remember that, even when it is really, really hard to do.