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Hello, everyone. I guess I should start with why I'm here. I've been doing a lot of research to try and understand some of the feelings that I've been having for the last few years. This led me here. I haven't received a formal psychiatric evaluation, as I have a hard time talking to people about it, but figured I'd try to reach out in a way that I felt comfortable for now.

I'm 26, and for the last few years I've been trying to describe this feeling that I can only describe as being on autopilot. Like I'm experiencing myself second hand, which is confusing in and of itself, but I'm not sure how to discuss it any other way. I don't feel like a real person, and I feel like I'm in constant envy of the people around me who can so easily put what they're feeling into words because sometimes I have absolutely no idea what I'm feeling. Sometimes a feeling of urgency hits me and I can't function. It's like feeling nothing for awhile, any then everything at once, but even then it's just the notion that something is wrong, as I can never really find a specific reason why I'm reacting this way.

I do find the outdoors beautiful, but only because I feel like I should. Today, I looked up at a tree in the parking lot of where I work, and saw its pink flowers. I knew they were beautiful, but I felt like I was missing some experience that told me why they beautiful, if that makes sense. When I'm driving, for the most part I try to be aware, but there are times when a large chunk of my trip goes by without my noticing. I've even spaced out so much while driving that it's almost cost me my life.

As a writer, I constantly try to tap into that "something" that fuels my emotional processes, only to never really reach the true nature of what it means to feel. All the words I right, I feel like I have to justify, like I have to convince myself that it's something I actually feel. I feel like I have to convince myself that I exist.

There a times when I undergo an experience that I feel should affect me, but I don't react in the fashion that I believe I should. I am angry at myself for this. I have to make a conscious effort to participate and reciprocate conversation, but none of it feels substantial, like I'm only unknowingly equivocating. It's like having a conversation, taking a walk, graduating, eating, and crying are all experiences that I don't partake in the way that I should like everyone around me. I feel out of tune and I cannot stress how frustrating it is. It often leads me to cry, and even then I feel like I'm crying for no reason.

I know this is a lot for a first post, but I really just wanted to talk to someone because I feel like it is starting to take a toll on my life, and I'm missing out on very important things that make being alive the experience that it is.

Thank you.
 
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