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I've probably found myself on this forum periodically for the last eight years. I've never posted anything, just dropping in to see what people are saying, feeling, and see what folks are up to with their DP/DR journeys.

My onset of DP was 19 years ago - standard marijuana induced experience when I was ten years old. Had a terrifying experience - lots of confusing visuals, emotions, etc - and woke up the next day feeling like I lived on the wrong side of a television screen.

Lots I could say here, about being invalidated by others for a decade, and the pain, loneliness and confusion that accompanied that, but I know this community know and understands that well enough.

Around college time, I googled many different iterations of "feeling out of touch after smoking weed" and so forth until finally teasing out depersonalization. I talked with therapists, etc, and never really felt understood.

With all that being said, I still haven't really found the holy grail but I have dedicated my life to a greater understanding of myself as a result of this experience.

The shift that occurred in my body has guided many, many steps in my life. I do think it was part of my karma, my soul-contract, in this lifetime, and in many ways, my body acting as my teacher. Cannabis didn't do this to me, a mechanism in my mind did, and a thing happened. That thing now is for me to understand, and it is part of my teaching here on this planet.

Being connected with nature, rooting into my body, meditating, breaking through layers within myself, changing my lifestyle to honor my true feelings and reducing my fear and anxieties in life. Speaking my truth whenever possible.

I still experience depersonalization. Every once in a while, when it isn't too sunny or too overcast, and the temperature is perfect outside, I'll feel myself merge back into reality. Always outdoors. It feels, briefly, like my childhood, because, my childhood was when I was last fully integrated.

I actually have a lot of hope about being able to treat DP with acupuncture, and possibly seeing a therapist for EMDR at the same time. Chinese Medicine theory has ways of explaining DP that western medicine doesn't. So, if I see results with that, I'll surely post here.

Lastly, I wanted to leave this here - I think it is absolutely imperative, throughout this whole experience, to root into love for yourself. I know that may not sit well with everyone, but it is so easy to drift into the darkness and fear with DP and that can certainly spin you out even more. To find something authentic, sacred, divine (whatever that means to you) to anchor yourself in is immensely helpful. For me, it is the infinite wisdom of love & divinity.. and don't get me wrong, that isn't something that just came naturally to me, it's something I struggle with every day but hold on to dearly because it helps. I've definitely been on a dark road before with this all, it doesn't take you where you want to go.

lots of love! I honor your journey - I know it's a hard one.
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