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My name is Elizabeth (although that is actually just my middle name, but I use most of the time on forums) but you can just call me Moros, I guess. I, well, don't actually have depersonalization disorder. Or, at least, I haven't been diagnosed with it. I do have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which I guess could cause my feelings of depersonalization but that is unlikely (as I will explain below). I am going to be seeking help soon (because of the problems I will explain below, which lead to think I may have DPD)
(sorry this is going to drag on forever)
So you know how I said I have GAD? I have only felt anxiety (like at all) once in five years. The main reason I stopped, I believe, is depersonalization (well, dissociation, really, I suppose). I didn't really consider my problems really that major, at all, for a long time. But I guess I'm just tired of feeling like this (hence the reason I am joining this forum and going to be seeking mental help). For, well, almost five years straight, with only maybe a few gaps here and there for like an hour a time, I have felt that I am not real. Sometimes, I look at my arm, and just look at it. It looks so strange. You know those scenes in newer action video games where it is in first person for a cut-scene or something, and the MC grabs onto something? Yeah, it feels like I'm watching one of those cut scenes, not looking at my arm. But, there is a lot other than that too. I uh, well, actually know next to nothing about myself (hence the reason I made no intro like "Hey I'm Liz and I like fantasy books and stars" or something). I mean, I have interests. Except, I don't. In-fact, I feel like that for most everything. It's hard to explain, but I've heard some other people (with depersonalization) describe it before. I guess the best way to explain it would be that I have interests, but I don't know why? I often read fantasy books. If someone asked me what my favorite two subjects in school were, I'd without hesitation answer European history and physics. Except, I don't actually like either. I don't like fantasy books. I don't feel any opinion on them, actually. It's like that for a lot of things. I know they are my interests because they occupy most of my time, but I don't actually feel like their my interests. Man this dragging on forever. Anyways, I also feel no emotional connection to anything. If I was to be entirely honest, I have no friends. I don't hate a single person either. I don't love my parents, nor my siblings. I feel that I don't have a single emotional attachment to anyone, bad nor good. I don't remember much either. Sometimes I don't remember important things (my name, for example), but mostly its other things. I don't remember what a single person looks like. I could give a description of most people I've met, but in my head I couldn't picture them. Most of the time, I don't remember things that I just thought, either. I even had a hard time typing this so far, largely because I had trouble remembering most of the things that I actually wrote down. And while I write these things down, I completely forget the things I plan on writing down after. Like right now I am mostly thinking about how there was something I wanted to mention but for the life of my have no idea what it was. Oh, right, there were multiple things and I remember them now after stopping for three minutes to try to remember. Number one) I feel next to nothing. The reason I don't feel anxiety is because I feel no emotions. I know I have emotions, though. When I stop feeling like this (as I mentioned earlier) for however long, I feel emotions, and I kind of remember. I remember having them, not what it actually felt like. For example, I remember from these periods that I apparently hate myself because I am a horrible person (???? I literally have no idea why I have such self depreciation), have the intense desire to change the way I act so that I am nicer (am I nice already? No idea, honestly) and cry a lot. In fact, I don't I've not cried while in this state. Since the past five years, I haven't cried once for anything other than that. And number 2), the only thing I can actually remember well enough to write down for my extremely unnecessarily long intro: One of the main reasons I feel I have depersonalization other than the whole "I don't feel like my body is mine" thing, I also don't feel as if I actually control my body sometimes. This has been probably the most iffy of my symptoms, in terms of how often it occurs (as most others are constant, but this one is not). I talk, have conversations with people, do things. But, I don't have the conscious desire to do them. I mean, I know I must on some level, because I'm doing said actions, but for the life of my have no idea why I do the things I do. I don't feel the process of coming up with things to say when having conversations (when I experience this, that is). I just kind of... say them? Same thing with actions. In order to open a door, one must have the conscious desire to open said door, and then send the nerve signal to the arm and hand to position them to open said door by twisting the doorknob. Yet, I don't have the desire. The signal is sent, so my logical deduction is that I had the desire, except that I don't register any desire to actually open the doorknob? Anyways that is all for now, because I don't remember anything else and this has been going on for a long long time. Oh also, I know that not everything I mentioned here is depersonalization (some is probably dissociation and other thinks idk)
Anyways, that's me. I think. Nice to meet you.
(sorry this is going to drag on forever)
So you know how I said I have GAD? I have only felt anxiety (like at all) once in five years. The main reason I stopped, I believe, is depersonalization (well, dissociation, really, I suppose). I didn't really consider my problems really that major, at all, for a long time. But I guess I'm just tired of feeling like this (hence the reason I am joining this forum and going to be seeking mental help). For, well, almost five years straight, with only maybe a few gaps here and there for like an hour a time, I have felt that I am not real. Sometimes, I look at my arm, and just look at it. It looks so strange. You know those scenes in newer action video games where it is in first person for a cut-scene or something, and the MC grabs onto something? Yeah, it feels like I'm watching one of those cut scenes, not looking at my arm. But, there is a lot other than that too. I uh, well, actually know next to nothing about myself (hence the reason I made no intro like "Hey I'm Liz and I like fantasy books and stars" or something). I mean, I have interests. Except, I don't. In-fact, I feel like that for most everything. It's hard to explain, but I've heard some other people (with depersonalization) describe it before. I guess the best way to explain it would be that I have interests, but I don't know why? I often read fantasy books. If someone asked me what my favorite two subjects in school were, I'd without hesitation answer European history and physics. Except, I don't actually like either. I don't like fantasy books. I don't feel any opinion on them, actually. It's like that for a lot of things. I know they are my interests because they occupy most of my time, but I don't actually feel like their my interests. Man this dragging on forever. Anyways, I also feel no emotional connection to anything. If I was to be entirely honest, I have no friends. I don't hate a single person either. I don't love my parents, nor my siblings. I feel that I don't have a single emotional attachment to anyone, bad nor good. I don't remember much either. Sometimes I don't remember important things (my name, for example), but mostly its other things. I don't remember what a single person looks like. I could give a description of most people I've met, but in my head I couldn't picture them. Most of the time, I don't remember things that I just thought, either. I even had a hard time typing this so far, largely because I had trouble remembering most of the things that I actually wrote down. And while I write these things down, I completely forget the things I plan on writing down after. Like right now I am mostly thinking about how there was something I wanted to mention but for the life of my have no idea what it was. Oh, right, there were multiple things and I remember them now after stopping for three minutes to try to remember. Number one) I feel next to nothing. The reason I don't feel anxiety is because I feel no emotions. I know I have emotions, though. When I stop feeling like this (as I mentioned earlier) for however long, I feel emotions, and I kind of remember. I remember having them, not what it actually felt like. For example, I remember from these periods that I apparently hate myself because I am a horrible person (???? I literally have no idea why I have such self depreciation), have the intense desire to change the way I act so that I am nicer (am I nice already? No idea, honestly) and cry a lot. In fact, I don't I've not cried while in this state. Since the past five years, I haven't cried once for anything other than that. And number 2), the only thing I can actually remember well enough to write down for my extremely unnecessarily long intro: One of the main reasons I feel I have depersonalization other than the whole "I don't feel like my body is mine" thing, I also don't feel as if I actually control my body sometimes. This has been probably the most iffy of my symptoms, in terms of how often it occurs (as most others are constant, but this one is not). I talk, have conversations with people, do things. But, I don't have the conscious desire to do them. I mean, I know I must on some level, because I'm doing said actions, but for the life of my have no idea why I do the things I do. I don't feel the process of coming up with things to say when having conversations (when I experience this, that is). I just kind of... say them? Same thing with actions. In order to open a door, one must have the conscious desire to open said door, and then send the nerve signal to the arm and hand to position them to open said door by twisting the doorknob. Yet, I don't have the desire. The signal is sent, so my logical deduction is that I had the desire, except that I don't register any desire to actually open the doorknob? Anyways that is all for now, because I don't remember anything else and this has been going on for a long long time. Oh also, I know that not everything I mentioned here is depersonalization (some is probably dissociation and other thinks idk)
Anyways, that's me. I think. Nice to meet you.
