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Hello all.

I've had DP or something like DP for around 2 years. It started when I was 14, I am now 16. I moved to a foreign country and couldn't speak the language around 2 years ago. There was pretty personal issues going on and I held myself back from crying or even looking sad not to appear awkward. I remember myself thinking when I was about 8 about what if there was no space or galaxys and no anything and no life. I am a very deep thinker just like my dad and I wish I could stop lol. I remember first thinking that something was wrong with my heart. I had chest pains since I was 12 and I researched about it... I ran downstairs to my parents crying that I was going to die or something and im pretty sure I had a panic attack. No one knows I have anxiety and I figured everything out on my own. I had a major health anxiety and staying awake at nights, researching my symptoms. I remember when my DP was faint, I was looking around and everything looked "cloudy" or weird. I panicked (pretty sure I did) because I thought I was going to loose my eyesight. From there it kept going for a bit with different stuff. I am now in a SEVERE DP and I feel like I'm always talking in my head and trapped in here with myself. I have a lot of personal family problems and it doesn't even effect me, no emotional at all only if I'm trying... I have done weed like 20 times while on DP and sorta had 2 bad trips. I stopped with that stuff. Most of the time I forget about it but when I do it feels like I'm a robot. It feels like I'm in on a couch and my body is just moving for itself. I have some social anxiety so everywhere I go it doesn't help. I'm the deepest I can go in the DP hole. Even now writing this doesnt feel like I'm doing anything. I've been going to the gym for 2 months, still feel like crap even though I gained around 30 pounds. Sometimes it feels like it's better (I think) and sometimes it's the worst. I don't recognize a lot of stuff and I go "is this really the street I live on?" It feels like Im forgetting stuff. I have a lot of muscle spasms though they went away when I was having fun in the summer but now they are back, I also have static vision or visual snow. No one really even knows me because I keep a lot of stuff to myself. I have weird and unexplainable thoughts like I'm dreaming. I had suicidal thoughts but don't want to die. Those thoughts were me being dramatic. I always feel dizzy. I'm pretty sure I messed up my future somehow. Part of me has hope. I appreciate any comments or anything like that.
 

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I know its hard but you have to live life as normal. I remember thinking a while back that I just needed to live life as normal because I didn't want to waste time when I've got goals to achieve. Once you start feeling a bit better you will be able to make better choices in order to help yourself recover. The first step up the ladder to recovery is always the hardest and the longest to get to, but once you've done that then the rest is a lot easier.
 
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