I guess that is the best way I can put it. After dp/dr struck me earlier this year, I was forced to go on a scary and unforgettable voyage...the quest of getting to know myself, and I can honestly say I'm almost 100% cured. I always had issues growing up, mostly massive anxiety, a very poor temper, and the patience of a two-year old. Even though all of those things were unpleasant, I kept on. I guess looking back, you could say that those were "warning" signs, that I really needed to get my life together.
But i ignored those signs. I lived life with a sort of numbness, and no matter how many boyfriends I had, two of which proposed and i ended up leaving them, I could never love anybody. Pain was a sort of comfort for me, and I relied on it, it was the only thing I knew. And that was just fine by me. So then this weird thing, which i later found to be dp/dr hit me like a brick. Between blurred vision, extreme detachment, and an overwhelming FEAR that I was all alone in the universe, my entire world turned upside down. I questioned everything, and found no answers.
Before the dp/dr hit, I had just completed my masters degree and landed a great job. From there, my world went spiraling downward. I felt like there was no "point" in anything. I felt that I was just some puppet that some higher being was controlling just for shits and giggles...i didnt UNDERSTAND why i was here, or what the point was. The girl who once loved to go out and light up a room, now never wanted to leave her house. The worst part of it was that nobody knew. I continued going to work because i had to, I had nobody to support me, and if i didn't work, I didn't eat, simple as that. People would say to me, "Wow, looks like you're doing really good for yourself, good for you!" and i would have to run to a bathroom and cry. Because nobody knew that inside I was dead. I was acting every day, and everyday I couldn't wait to get home and take off the "mask" that I had to wear for the world.
I never saw a therapist growing up, I thought it was a bunch of BS. Although my childhood was rough and my mom always tried to make me see somebody, I never went. So I sought one out, after all I was already dead inside, so it couldn't hurt. I told him about my dp/dr and even printed out this page for him. I was hoping he could do a little magic, or snap me out of my fears, or whatever it is they do. He didn't seem the least bit phased by my irrational fears. Instead, he made me tell him about my childhood. I was irritated, because in my mind, whats past is past and no good could come out of going back there. It was a horrible time in my life, and I have done everything in my life to move past it. But he kept on. Each session, he would make me dig and dig, until the pain was so overwhelming that I would be crippled on his couch, wondering why anybody would have to go through such hell as a child.
Although I have only been in treatment a few months, I have done something I've never done before, I have let him SEE me, in all of my fear, all of my craziness, and all of my glory. I think that this dp/dr was just another one of those "warning" signs. I couldn't go on living the way I was living before, the numbness, the violence, the pain, it was all slowly killing me. My entire life was spent running away from myself, and you know? its a funny thing, but you can never outrun YOU. There you will be. When dp/dr struck, I felt like I was trapped inside myself, with all of these thoughts and feelings holding me hostage, I literally felt like I was trapped underneath a house, unable to move.
As i am slowly getting to know myself, things have gotten much clearer, and much better. I occasionally have irrational fears, but most of the time I just ignore them and they go away. My advice would be that if you have been suffering from dp/dr for an extended period of time, maybe there is something that you need to deal with as well, something buried deep within that is waiting to be freed. For me, Dp/dr wasn't the problem, it was the symptom. It forced me to deal with things that I buried deep inside. As I am becoming more and more free, I wish you all the same.
But i ignored those signs. I lived life with a sort of numbness, and no matter how many boyfriends I had, two of which proposed and i ended up leaving them, I could never love anybody. Pain was a sort of comfort for me, and I relied on it, it was the only thing I knew. And that was just fine by me. So then this weird thing, which i later found to be dp/dr hit me like a brick. Between blurred vision, extreme detachment, and an overwhelming FEAR that I was all alone in the universe, my entire world turned upside down. I questioned everything, and found no answers.
Before the dp/dr hit, I had just completed my masters degree and landed a great job. From there, my world went spiraling downward. I felt like there was no "point" in anything. I felt that I was just some puppet that some higher being was controlling just for shits and giggles...i didnt UNDERSTAND why i was here, or what the point was. The girl who once loved to go out and light up a room, now never wanted to leave her house. The worst part of it was that nobody knew. I continued going to work because i had to, I had nobody to support me, and if i didn't work, I didn't eat, simple as that. People would say to me, "Wow, looks like you're doing really good for yourself, good for you!" and i would have to run to a bathroom and cry. Because nobody knew that inside I was dead. I was acting every day, and everyday I couldn't wait to get home and take off the "mask" that I had to wear for the world.
I never saw a therapist growing up, I thought it was a bunch of BS. Although my childhood was rough and my mom always tried to make me see somebody, I never went. So I sought one out, after all I was already dead inside, so it couldn't hurt. I told him about my dp/dr and even printed out this page for him. I was hoping he could do a little magic, or snap me out of my fears, or whatever it is they do. He didn't seem the least bit phased by my irrational fears. Instead, he made me tell him about my childhood. I was irritated, because in my mind, whats past is past and no good could come out of going back there. It was a horrible time in my life, and I have done everything in my life to move past it. But he kept on. Each session, he would make me dig and dig, until the pain was so overwhelming that I would be crippled on his couch, wondering why anybody would have to go through such hell as a child.
Although I have only been in treatment a few months, I have done something I've never done before, I have let him SEE me, in all of my fear, all of my craziness, and all of my glory. I think that this dp/dr was just another one of those "warning" signs. I couldn't go on living the way I was living before, the numbness, the violence, the pain, it was all slowly killing me. My entire life was spent running away from myself, and you know? its a funny thing, but you can never outrun YOU. There you will be. When dp/dr struck, I felt like I was trapped inside myself, with all of these thoughts and feelings holding me hostage, I literally felt like I was trapped underneath a house, unable to move.
As i am slowly getting to know myself, things have gotten much clearer, and much better. I occasionally have irrational fears, but most of the time I just ignore them and they go away. My advice would be that if you have been suffering from dp/dr for an extended period of time, maybe there is something that you need to deal with as well, something buried deep within that is waiting to be freed. For me, Dp/dr wasn't the problem, it was the symptom. It forced me to deal with things that I buried deep inside. As I am becoming more and more free, I wish you all the same.
