I cant believe I found a site that explains what I have been feeling for the past few years. I want to say that my experience with DR/DP is not related to any drug use what soever. I never did any drugs, except some drinking during college. I believe that my DR/DP is anxiety related and that it is trigerred when my depression and OCD is triggered. This was my second big battle with depression and OCD. Last time I suffered a collapse was 5 years ago. However this is the first time I ever experienced such powerful DR. It was the most frightening thing I ever went through. I am 24 and as a person I was always quiet and bottled up, and maybe this is one of the factors of my anxiety and DR and all these things happening to me. Here is a look inside my head and you be the judge as to if this might DR/DP.
My mind over the past 5 years has turned into a lock. (The last two years were very good though) Not permitting me to feel and accept my emotions although they are there. As a result, I become a robot on autopilot that just gets through the day. I am a walking contradiction. I am very intelligent yet I obsessively question things that should easily be answered by logic. For some reason logic does not work and that can result in fear and panic although the logical thinking is present. The absence of logic and the inabilty to accept the truth is a very difficult thing to live with. For some reason these past few months, the truth has never been so frightening. As if I know something that everbody else doesnt. The fact that I am a human, I have a brain, eyes, nose, etc and live on this world frightens me for some reason. My existance has never scared me as much as it has now. I try to think to myself and convince myself, that yes this is all real, I am real, I am smart, etc. But the more I do it, the worse it gets. As if my mind refuses to accept that I can feel, that I can talk, that I am really here. I do not know why my mind is acting like this. Things that were once familiar to me seem alien now. It got to a point were I was wondering if my parents were really my parents and that if this was really my house. I try to logically sort it out but the bizarre notions and wild theories dominate the logic. I once woke up and looked out the window and the DR was so strong that I just started to bawl like a baby. It was the most frightening thing I went through. Now my mind is in neutral and I am affraid to think. And if I do think I think in quick flashes so that I dont obsess about every thought.
Lastly, I would like to say that I am constantly living in the past and that I dont recognize myself anymore. I would like to be the person I was before I was 18. I never had any problems whatsoever back then and I cant believe stuff like thiis happening. I just wish I can wake up again and feel and think normally. I bet 5 minutes from now I am going to wonder if I really sat in front of the computer and wrote this post. (questioning my memories) Thanks for listening. I have so much more to say.