[shadowshudder]

Hi. My name is Hunter. I am 15 years old. I have major depression.

4 and a half years ago I wasn't depersonalized. I led a happy life with hardly any worry. Now those times seem permanently gone... like I've time traveled to this hell I'm living.

In 2011 (or 2012, I don't really remember) I thought there was something wrong with me as I was having constant stomach aches. I thought I had appendicitis and I thought I was going to die... I was hospitalized on a regular basis for around a month. After that, they figured I was mental and they put me in a behavioral medical center where I was under supervision 24/7... at night, at day, all the time for a week. I had never been as suicidal as I was then (and I'm back feeling that way again).

They ruled out that I had psychosis and depression. When I read psychosis on my pill bottle I thought "great... I am crazy after all."

I later figured out that I in fact wasn't psychotic. The things I supposedly heard and supposedly saw were all just thought up by me. I didn't actually see things and didn't actually hear things, I just told myself that I did... which was terrible for my mental health.

I have extreme hypochondria, lately with mental health (it used to be physical health). I am constantly thinking that this DP is gonna make me schizophrenic or something like that. I know that feeling like you're going crazy is a symptom... and I HATE IT. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind but at the same time very, very numb. I feel like I could say "If I died tomorrow, would it end my pain and suffering? Who knows? I already feel dead."

I was put in foster care before my hospital episode. I felt so happy and so alive for one month... I can't even begin to explain it if I tried. It's not that my living conditions with my father were or are bad as they are now and then, I just can't explain why I was happy and alive for a month. The thing is, I was still depressed and depersonalized inside and it would come out after my foster care. Hell, I even felt depersonalized while in foster care.

I was occasionally abused as a child. I was punched and hit, and all these bad things by my alcoholic mother. I will never forgive her. Maybe she is why I am how I am today... I blame nearly everything on her and I feel bad about it but I do. She's crazy... maybe I'm on my way to crazy with her. Possibly genetics from her side of the family? I dunno. And the worst thing is, I lied to get out of my mother's home. They made a big deal about it, too. I told them that she burned a cigarette on my hand when I just fell on a pebble while running down a hill (I still thank that pebble... wherever it may be).

Today I felt so out of it and so whack that I had to leave school. I came up with an excuse as my school doesn't have a nurse. I said my stomach hurt and I was nauseated... I just couldn't deal what was happening at the time... and I can't deal with it now. I feel like time is so present... like I was taking notes in class and I wasn't even realizing what I was writing down. I wasn't even taking in the information... Later tonight at 6:00 PM I'm going to see my psychologist. Maybe he'll give me meds for my DP. Maybe not.

At this point in time, I have no hope in myself. I feel like I'm either crazy or well on my way there. I'm obviously suicidal (it's apparent to me, but I can't tell anyone. I don't want to hurt anybody). I am more depressed than I ever have been. I have no "zest in life," no interests. I cry on a daily basis. I feel like I've dug a hole so far in to the ground that I'm never going to get out of it.

Thanks for reading...

 

[shadowshudder]

Welcome to the site Hunter.

First off, you need to start accepting you will get better. As terrifying and lonesome as this disorder is, you will eventually get better with hard work and a good attitude.

I can relate to the childhood abuse and hypochondria. I actually just made a thread for childhood stories. I have constantly evaluated my health and told myself I must have something majorly wrong with me. The depersonalization is no different. Many, many users are sure they must have schizophrenia or worse with this disorder. A couple of its trademark symptoms are obsession and fear of going crazy. if you had schizophrenia, you would know by now.

You have had a rough life and its no wonder you ended up with this. Check out the links below, and feel free to ask any questions.

Thanks for this... maybe I'll feel okay for the rest of the day because of this. Thanks again.

 

[shadowshudder]

Welcome to the site Hunter.

First off, you need to start accepting you will get better. As terrifying and lonesome as this disorder is, you will eventually get better with hard work and a good attitude.

I can relate to the childhood abuse and hypochondria. I actually just made a thread for childhood stories. I have constantly evaluated my health and told myself I must have something majorly wrong with me. The depersonalization is no different. Many, many users are sure they must have schizophrenia or worse with this disorder. A couple of its trademark symptoms are obsession and fear of going crazy. if you had schizophrenia, you would know by now.

You have had a rough life and its no wonder you ended up with this. Check out the links below, and feel free to ask any questions.

I have another question... Is this curable? To 100%? I feel like I don't know what real even feels like anymore... and If I have to live with this the rest of my life, I... I just can't... I wouldn't be able to take it anymore.

 

[shadowshudder]

Yes, the prognosis for depersonalization is excellent!

Good news... does it take a long time? Like years?

 

[shadowshudder]

The longevity varies from person to person. I've seen three days and 35 years. The important thing is you realize the length of time you have it will be completely independent of others time.

It's also important for you focus on recovery, rather than the symptoms of depersonalization. A fixation on thoughts like 'How long will this last?' and 'I need to find an overnight cure' will only prolong it, as you are feeding the obsessive nature of the disorder.

I've read somewhere you can't tell if someone has schizophrenia unless they are 18+ or something. Is it possible that this DP will manifest in to schizophrenia?

 

[shadowshudder]

I've personally never heard of it. There is currently a thread up about DP and Schizophrenia, give it a read and pay attention to the posts by Le Chat.

Can you link it here?