Hello... I guess?

Hi. My name is Hunter. I am 15 years old. I have major depression.

4 and a half years ago I wasn't depersonalized. I led a happy life with hardly any worry. Now those times seem permanently gone... like I've time traveled to this hell I'm living.

In 2011 (or 2012, I don't really remember) I thought there was something wrong with me as I was having constant stomach aches. I thought I had appendicitis and I thought I was going to die... I was hospitalized on a regular basis for around a month. After that, they figured I was mental and they put me in a behavioral medical center where I was under supervision 24/7... at night, at day, all the time for a week. I had never been as suicidal as I was then (and I'm back feeling that way again).

They ruled out that I had psychosis and depression. When I read psychosis on my pill bottle I thought "great... I am crazy after all."

I later figured out that I in fact wasn't psychotic. The things I supposedly heard and supposedly saw were all just thought up by me. I didn't actually see things and didn't actually hear things, I just told myself that I did... which was terrible for my mental health.

I have extreme hypochondria, lately with mental health (it used to be physical health). I am constantly thinking that this DP is gonna make me schizophrenic or something like that. I know that feeling like you're going crazy is a symptom... and I HATE IT. I feel like a prisoner in my own mind but at the same time very, very numb. I feel like I could say "If I died tomorrow, would it end my pain and suffering? Who knows? I already feel dead."

I was put in foster care before my hospital episode. I felt so happy and so alive for one month... I can't even begin to explain it if I tried. It's not that my living conditions with my father were or are bad as they are now and then, I just can't explain why I was happy and alive for a month. The thing is, I was still depressed and depersonalized inside and it would come out after my foster care. Hell, I even felt depersonalized while in foster care.

I was occasionally abused as a child. I was punched and hit, and all these bad things by my alcoholic mother. I will never forgive her. Maybe she is why I am how I am today... I blame nearly everything on her and I feel bad about it but I do. She's crazy... maybe I'm on my way to crazy with her. Possibly genetics from her side of the family? I dunno. And the worst thing is, I lied to get out of my mother's home. They made a big deal about it, too. I told them that she burned a cigarette on my hand when I just fell on a pebble while running down a hill (I still thank that pebble... wherever it may be).

Today I felt so out of it and so whack that I had to leave school. I came up with an excuse as my school doesn't have a nurse. I said my stomach hurt and I was nauseated... I just couldn't deal what was happening at the time... and I can't deal with it now. I feel like time is so present... like I was taking notes in class and I wasn't even realizing what I was writing down. I wasn't even taking in the information... Later tonight at 6:00 PM I'm going to see my psychologist. Maybe he'll give me meds for my DP. Maybe not.

At this point in time, I have no hope in myself. I feel like I'm either crazy or well on my way there. I'm obviously suicidal (it's apparent to me, but I can't tell anyone. I don't want to hurt anybody). I am more depressed than I ever have been. I have no "zest in life," no interests. I cry on a daily basis. I feel like I've dug a hole so far in to the ground that I'm never going to get out of it.

Thanks for reading...