[Isobel]

Hi Everyone,

I am new here, and have been reading this forum for some time now, but do feel as if I should post now because well basically I cannot stand feeling like this any longer.

I suffer with depression and anxiety, and I have agrophobia too. So it is really a case of decreased functioning (from the depression)which is causing the agrophobia.

I have been suffering recently with what I think is depersonalisation. When it first started, I had 'emotional numbness' and felt like my soul had been taken away from me. I cried for about 3 weeks, and had a constant 'grief' like pain. It also felt like I was talking 'outside' myself emotionally, like i was taking an objective view of my own opinions, like I wasnt 'inside' them, if you know what I mean. It really did feel like parts of me had gone, or wiped out, like all the informatiom etc had gone completely, you know like parts of your charachter/ sense of self, basically it felt like evrything before this had been in different 'compartments' and now it was all one big 'mush' in my head. I was wondering if anyone can relate to this, at all?

I do keep forgetting things, and also when it started I felt like I was in a different dimension or all alone on my own wavelength. My hands felt funny, like there was an electric current that had been swithched off(brain electricity?) And when i lie down or something, my head just feels 'dead' inside, where as before, i could feel something. I dont feel '3D' as it were, like there is no depth to anything, or ying/yang .
It feel like the 'axis' of the brain is at no particular angle (if that makes sense)
I hope these things come back, and dont get permanently wiped out. Its these types of things that scare me the most

Also, I find that im doubting everything i used to believe in, i can think' is it me, or was it real?' Like im doubting the person i was / still am. Or my outlook, like its been wrong, or something
Then out of the blue, I can think of a senario from the past which confirms that the particular belief as fact, but it seems like any inner'stucture' I had has collapsed, and nothing will ever be ok again. Everything seems fragmented, and am wondering if, since this has happened, has it changed my outlook? Like i have all these doubts and worries i have to go over to see if there has been any change so I know where im up to with it all

where as there felt like a way out of my illness before, but now it seems like one big 'maze' as it were, and will never get back to where i wanted to be, or will never be the same person again

All I can say right now is i am very very scared, and I hope someone can answer if this seems like DP?

Thanks for listening

Isobel x

 

[Guest]

Yep, that's it all right.

You even mentioned something so interesting: you said it used to seem that parts of your emotions, thoughts etc. were in different "compartments" and then with onset of dp, it was like it became all one big "mush" (technical term? grin)

That is exactly what is happening (in addition to the other horrible states of consciousness this symptom brings on). We sometimes do literally reach a point where we CANNOT compartmentalize ourselves so neatly anymore...it was a dysfunctional way of being to begin with, but it worked for most of our lives. WHen it "gives out" (that thwarted solution) we break down. And enter the symtpoms of hell.

You are definitely in the right place here....all your descriptions are very very familiar.

Welcome, but hopefully you'll get well soon and won't be around!!

Also, I reached that point (a few times, sigh) of truly believing that there was a point of no return. I had become SO convoluted in my thinking and my sense of reality was just like water....I "knew" there was no coming back from anything so desperately lost. I was totally wrong.

Peace,
Janine

 

[Guest]

Just an opinion here - based on what you typed, and realizing it is nearly impossible to put this into words.........sounds like some type of dissociation to me. DP/DR. The last sentence in your post is the clincher.

edit - me and Baker seem to be posting in every thread at the same time. For you newbies - if there is any apparent difference in opinion between what I say and what Janine says - go with Janine's stuff. She word things better.

 

[Isobel]

Hi

thank you both so much for your replies, Janine, yes, it does feel like this is a point of no return, I hope that I can too come back from this.

there are so many other aspects of 'fears' about it eg: loss/change that I cannot 'remember' them at the moment, (then there they will be, but cannot seem to be able to write them down.....) *rolls eyes*
But LO!
i can think of one thing, when I am dropping off to sleep, i feel like my body is convulsing, sometimes like an electrical charge, or others a 'popping' feeling. These are either through my body, or my head. Then if it happens, the next day I feel a bit more 'blanker' than the day before

I do know however that most of this comes from too much 'inward thinking' - due to being house bound

But, thank you for your help, I appreciate it so much

Isobel x

 

[dalailama15]

Isobel

I haven't been around as long as these guys, and don't have any specific advice, except, you know. . .

To the question, is this dp? These depersonalization symptoms:

'emotional numbness' . . . soul had been taken away from me. . . a constant 'grief' like pain. . . talking 'outside' myself emotionally. . . objective view of my own opinions. . . wasnt 'inside' them. . .like parts of me had gone, or wiped out. . . like all the informatiom etc had gone completely, you know like parts of your charachter/ sense of self.

Yes I have them all. When you first start trying to describing these kinds of things, it seems impossible to do, and it seems impossible that anyone could understand what you are talking about. I remember how moved I was when I first found this forum. Not only were these things understandable, but they were actually steriotypical--that is, virtually everyone here describes the same things, frequently with the same words, and virtually nobody here seems in any way insane. On the contrary, people here are smart and sympathetic and in all other ways unusually sane. This was a stunning revelation for me, and it helped, immediately, with the fear

There seems to be some trick, taking these kind of shadowy but powerful feelings of detachment seriously, that is, realizing this is serious stuff not to be ignored, while, at the same time, not dwelling on the content of the symptomatic thoughts, which seems to preclude any kind of recovery ( I have learned this here and it makes great sense--but, like the symptoms themselves, not easy to understand or even to articulate.)

These new posts move me. Yes, welcome, and yes, try not to get too comfortable here. I hope we both get kicked off this forum, just to return, if we want, with some helpful ideas to the next person who begins a post: "Hi, I'm new here." and ends the post with a sincere "Thanks for listening"

(And SC, she do word things good dont she. Thanks, you give me good giggle today :lol: )

--your freindly neighborhood dalailama