I took 3x110ug tabs 2 weeks ago. It was hell. Felt like I was stuck and was scared to shit that I may go insane. Loop thought, confusion etc.
During the trip I saw that I had a lot of past traumas that I need to "face". It said: face them. Don't run away from them.
After the bad trip. Nothing happened. Was doing well.
Since then, I was micro dosing every 3 days. All good. Super productive. Feeling awesome.
2 days ago (after stopping microdosing) I felt tired and uncomfortable (which I later think was anxious). I went back home and started meditating. Doing non dual Advaita Vedanta direct enquiry and wished if I could kill my ego to transcend and achieve liberation. I fell as sleep and felt good.
An hour after, my wife woke me up and I woke up very anxious as if I was woken up brutally. We had guests and I went to stay with them. At that moment I felt like I was outside watching them and I was in autopilot mode. I had a sudden anxious feeling I may go mad, psychotic or schizophrenic. I panicked.
After some googling, I discovered it could be derealisation, or PTSD from my bad trip...I don't know...driving me into a vicious cycle.
Yesterday I did well. Went and drive and had normal relations but still this feeling of watching life as a movie and inside I'm very anxious and uneased. I am not able to let go as I did during my previous shroom or LSD trips for fear to go insane or psychotic.
The same panic happened last night, and then I told myself, WTF, I'll go insane I don't care...suddenly I felt good, relaxed and happy.
Is it simply the fear of facing my traumas, which could eventually lead to healing ? I heard there should be integration work to be done after a bad trip.
Or am I stuck in depersonisation forever ? Or is it something else ? I have conflicting sense making of all of this from the psychological perspective to the spiritual one to the psychedelic one...
I keep googling and I panic whenever I read that DP can become worse, or persistent drug induced psychosis, or Buddhist Gurus who turned me insane irreversibly.
Curiously, I enjoy more the present time because I say to myself: I'm going to go insane...enjoy and make the most of the present time. Go out, enjoy nature and say to my wife how much I love her.
Any thoughts/advice on what's going on ?