[specialblend]

Hello, my name is Mike and I am new to this forum. I have been suffering with DP (from what I think) related symptoms for about 6 months. In my opinion this has been a result of trauma and substance abuse. The last 2 years I have abused adderrall, xanax, and phenibut. I have been 100% clean off all substances for 45 days now! Yahoo! First 45 days in a few years. I am currently in residential treatment. I skip to the present time. I know that coming off benzos of course causes rebound anxiety due to down-regulation of your GABAa receptor, but what I am experiencing is something that goes beyond just anxiety. Below are some of my symptoms.

*Extreme panic, I can barely watch anything on TV without feeling disturbed, as if it is almost real. For example, I went and saw Black Panther in the movie theaters, I felt extremely dark and at a moment felt like it could be almost real. This has subsided but it is extremely uncomfortable. It's almost like I am extremely hyper aware of everything whether its external, or internal.

*Hyper aware of people-again I feel strange around them and get extreme anxiety when new people come in here (this is so not me-I am a very outgoing people person)

*I have vivid nightmares, and feel anxiety in my sleep, and when I wake up i feel extremely panicky and dreamlike, almost as if I am still stuck in a dream.

*My sense of identity feels shaky. Looking in the mirror just feels so odd, and when I speak, it is almost like i'm speaking without feeling and hearing myself talk is odd.

*My head feels like it is burning, and its expanding, especially when I feel more disconnected.

*I feel detached from my memories.

*Constantly "checking in" with certain scenarios to see how I would actually feel if it occurred.

*Have an extremely hard time getting outward with my thoughts, feels as if there is a mental barrier in my mind between myself and my brain and I can't simply think my way out of it.

I had 8 years sober, and within the last few years I have managed to create a massive wake of destruction in my path. Lost two jobs, a girlfriend, 10's of thousands of dollars etc. I just so hard for me to realize its real. Reality is so raw and disturbing. I am back at the same treatment center I was 10 years ago and its like my brain and body are rejecting it. It's awful. Logically I can tell you happened, but I can't "feel" it, I feel as if I am a different person looking back on my past and I simply can't bridge the connection, therefore I can't take responsibility for my actions, forgive myself, or find acceptance. I simply just can't tap into it. Because of this I feel like I am constantly living in a dissonance of what reality is, and the harder I try, the harder it becomes. That said, Do I need to handle my trauma in order to move forward from this situation? In the event I do, how do I take care of trauma when I simply can't feel it?

I also had panic yesterday that I have developed dissociative identity disorder. The reason being, is I just don't feel like me. I try to pick myself up by the bootstraps and I simply can't tap into me. Furthermore, historically I have always loved to play the guitar and workout. They were my lifeline. Now I feel so strange working out and looking in the mirror as if its not me and I am a fraud, its so odd. Any suggestions on getting past this odd barrier? Is their a correlation between DID and DP/DR? I am beyond burnt out of feeling this way. Everyday is climbing Everest. I desperately want to find relief. I feel every which way I look somehow, somewhere I am stricken with panic and anxiety/feelings of extreme discomfort.

I certainly appreciate everyones feedback.

Much Love,

Mike

 

[solus]

Hi Mike,

I had made a note to reply to your post but forgot until now.

Have an extremely hard time getting outward with my thoughts, feels as if there is a mental barrier in my mind between myself and my brain and I can't simply think my way out of it.

Yeah, you can't really think your way out of it, but in my experience you can gradually "feel" your way out of it. You're stuck in your head, and the cure is largely experiencing reality, not trying to solve or grasp it intellectually. A little insight is really helpful though so that you at least feel you have an intellectual handle on the experience, and know not to over-think it and see something in the experience which is not there at all.

Reflect on your experiences regularly, and identify anything that seems to influence your DP positively or negatively, and act accordingly.

*Extreme panic, I can barely watch anything on TV without feeling disturbed, as if it is almost real. For example, I went and saw Black Panther in the movie theaters, I felt extremely dark and at a moment felt like it could be almost real. This has subsided but it is extremely uncomfortable. It's almost like I am extremely hyper aware of everything whether its external, or internal.

*Hyper aware of people-again I feel strange around them and get extreme anxiety when new people come in here (this is so not me-I am a very outgoing people person)

Is your hyper-awareness of people actually hyper-self-awareness (excessive self-consciousness), or something else? I guess the latter. I felt something like this in crowds when my senses were overloaded.

When I first suffered from DR/DP, I was also dealing with social anxiety. Facing such down-to-earth fears pulled me away from those more intangible anxieties related to perception (including some of those you just listed), so I found socializing immensely helpful in overcoming dissociation and reconnecting with my life. For me, talking to someone even had the power to abort a panic attack on some occasions.

Even though you seem to be experiencing the opposite effect and feeling DP most acutely in social situations, don't withdraw from people. I believe it would negatively affect both your DP and your life.

Do I need to handle my trauma in order to move forward from this situation? In the event I do, how do I take care of trauma when I simply can't feel it?

I don't have experience with trauma (other than the trauma of DR/DP and related experiences :???. But you can't deal with it if you can't feel it. Furthermore, I believe you can't fully recover from DP/DR without freeing up your emotions. So as far as you are able, don't suppress unpleasant emotions when they arise.

I think that's the main reason why DP/DR is prolonged for a minority of sufferers, who also usually report emotional numbness and blank mind.

I also had panic yesterday that I have developed dissociative identity disorder.

When you fear insanity or psychosis, you're usually very far from it. I know of no correlation between DID and DP/DR.

Furthermore, historically I have always loved to play the guitar and workout. They were my lifeline. Now I feel so strange working out and looking in the mirror as if its not me and I am a fraud, its so odd. Any suggestions on getting past this odd barrier?

The idea that you're a fraud, and probably a lot else, are meanings your mind is projecting on the experience to make sense of it.

In my view, everything feels strange and unfamiliar in DP/DR because emotions have been withdrawn. As a result, the memory/meaning from which your sense of reality is constructed is not being projected. So your mind is flailing about trying to make sense of everything but nothing really sticks.

Your extroverted personality seems to be reflected in your experience of DP/DR. The more introverted suffers (who I think make up a majority on this forum) seem to tend more toward abstract existential perceptions.

Hopefully you read this message and find something useful in it, and I wish you all the best in your recovery!

- Richard

Hello, my name is Mike and I am new to this forum. I have been suffering with DP (from what I think) related symptoms for about 6 months. In my opinion this has been a result of trauma and substance abuse. The last 2 years I have abused adderrall, xanax, and phenibut. I have been 100% clean off all substances for 45 days now! Yahoo! First 45 days in a few years. I am currently in residential treatment. I skip to the present time. I know that coming off benzos of course causes rebound anxiety due to down-regulation of your GABAa receptor, but what I am experiencing is something that goes beyond just anxiety. Below are some of my symptoms.

*Extreme panic, I can barely watch anything on TV without feeling disturbed, as if it is almost real. For example, I went and saw Black Panther in the movie theaters, I felt extremely dark and at a moment felt like it could be almost real. This has subsided but it is extremely uncomfortable. It's almost like I am extremely hyper aware of everything whether its external, or internal.

*Hyper aware of people-again I feel strange around them and get extreme anxiety when new people come in here (this is so not me-I am a very outgoing people person)

*I have vivid nightmares, and feel anxiety in my sleep, and when I wake up i feel extremely panicky and dreamlike, almost as if I am still stuck in a dream.

*My sense of identity feels shaky. Looking in the mirror just feels so odd, and when I speak, it is almost like i'm speaking without feeling and hearing myself talk is odd.

*My head feels like it is burning, and its expanding, especially when I feel more disconnected.

*I feel detached from my memories.

*Constantly "checking in" with certain scenarios to see how I would actually feel if it occurred.

*Have an extremely hard time getting outward with my thoughts, feels as if there is a mental barrier in my mind between myself and my brain and I can't simply think my way out of it.

I had 8 years sober, and within the last few years I have managed to create a massive wake of destruction in my path. Lost two jobs, a girlfriend, 10's of thousands of dollars etc. I just so hard for me to realize its real. Reality is so raw and disturbing. I am back at the same treatment center I was 10 years ago and its like my brain and body are rejecting it. It's awful. Logically I can tell you happened, but I can't "feel" it, I feel as if I am a different person looking back on my past and I simply can't bridge the connection, therefore I can't take responsibility for my actions, forgive myself, or find acceptance. I simply just can't tap into it. Because of this I feel like I am constantly living in a dissonance of what reality is, and the harder I try, the harder it becomes. That said, Do I need to handle my trauma in order to move forward from this situation? In the event I do, how do I take care of trauma when I simply can't feel it?

I also had panic yesterday that I have developed dissociative identity disorder. The reason being, is I just don't feel like me. I try to pick myself up by the bootstraps and I simply can't tap into me. Furthermore, historically I have always loved to play the guitar and workout. They were my lifeline. Now I feel so strange working out and looking in the mirror as if its not me and I am a fraud, its so odd. Any suggestions on getting past this odd barrier? Is their a correlation between DID and DP/DR? I am beyond burnt out of feeling this way. Everyday is climbing Everest. I desperately want to find relief. I feel every which way I look somehow, somewhere I am stricken with panic and anxiety/feelings of extreme discomfort.

I certainly appreciate everyones feedback.

Much Love,

Mike