Trigger; description of how I got dpdr
Hi, I’ve been in dpdr for about 10 months now. Started from an edible. In the beginning I didn’t know what I had, couldn’t eat and thought I was going crazy. I ended up in the hospital, which traumatized me further. Once I realized what it was, I felt a little relief but then after seeing examples of other peoples intrusive thoughts, I then started having those same existential intrusive thoughts.
After a while I learned to let the thoughts be without adding fear to them, they became a bit more manageable. I also struggled a lot in the beginning with emotional numbness, but after watching a video on how to deal with it (forcing myself to do things even if I didn’t want to) I started getting over that. Still had dpdr but at least was able to engage in hobbies and distract myself. Sometimes would get a few seconds where I forgot about the dpdr.
Fast forward a few months, my bf moved countries and the dpdr got worse. Couldn’t leave bed and was scared to even look at things around me. During this time I read the dp manual and it helped me at least get out of bed and use the bathroom/eat.
A while after that, I had 2 very bad panic attacks from seeing disturbing things on the internet on accident. I got thrown into severe DR, a lot like how my edible experience was. I was alone at night so it was especially scary. A couple days after I noticed I started feeling very fatigued. Like a wired but tired feeling.
Eventually I could barely walk and I got so depressed I lost my appetite. My bf prompted me to get my thyroid checked. Turned out I had an underactive thyroid. Was put on a low dose of levothyroxine. In the days following I had intense DP. Had no emotions and also couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t eat. Very depressed and lost a lot of weight. Went to a new doctor who changed my meds.
Fatigue got better after that, was able to sleep better but I woke up a lot during the night. Some days I would feel numb, some would be a bit better. Still struggled with dpdr. I felt like my family were strangers and it freaked me out bad. I dealt with it and it wasn’t as bad over time, but still had intrusive thoughts about it. The doc I saw ordered a blood test, but I wasn’t able to get it because I can’t afford out of pocket.
A little over a week ago I felt very numb and fatigued again. Coincidentally this is when my period started so I attributed it to that. My therapist wanted me to see a psychiatrist (made an appointment with a sliding scale place last month) but I had to see a GP first. So the appointment with the GP was yesterday and I mentioned my blood test issue. They drew blood yesterday and I got my results today.
Turns out I have low tsh levels, which I read indicates hyperthyroidism, which is the opposite of what I had last month. So I figured the meds I’m on caused it. I called the doctors office and asked if I should still take the meds and they say yes. But I’m feeling worse everyday. I’m scared of sleeping, hyperaware of falling asleep, hyperaware of thought process, existential thoughts scare me more than ever now. Very vivid dreams that scare me when I wake up. I actually dream about dpdr or reality checking sometimes which scares the shit out of me when I wake up. (I do take melatonin, but even without it I still have vivid dreams) When I wake up I don’t feel awake.
I can’t stop trembling from the anxiety. This morning I woke up and everything felt a lot more fake than usual. I feel like I drank 10 cups of coffee or something. I can’t move, like I’m paralyzed with anxiety. Yesterday at the store I had the worst DR episode, kept getting confused or like, I just didn’t have energy to put thought into what I was doing if that makes sense. I feel totally separated, way more than ever and it’s freaking me out because I’ve never experienced this level of severity with DPDR.
So does anyone else here have thyroid issues and do you experience the same things? I feel so alone and like I’m going crazy or that I’ll never feel like how I did before these fatigue and thyroid issues. At least the dpdr before this was manageable…