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harm OCD

338 Views 5 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  enna
i am here once again
i developed this huge fear of losing control a few weeks ago, but its switching to questioning if i could kill someone. I am a very sensitive person, I feel bad when i kill a fly, literally. I have had scary thoughts of killing someone when ive seen some murder case on the news, and it has caused me anxiety. but never this much. I woke up this morning and I thought what if i want to slap someone. So the spiral began and soon I was thinking, what if I kill my parents? I started questioning if its possible, what if i lose control, what if i do it. I have cried over this twice today, and I am just so deeply afraid of hurting another person. I have a history where i have acted violent, this was when I was around 11 years old.

I try to tell myself, if I actually wanted to hurt someone, i wouldnt be crying over it. But then comes the "what if you are lying to yourself" thought. Is this just my OCD finding another fun theme, or am I actually a danger to others?
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I used to have intrusive thoughts. I remember watching an early SNL (Saturday Night Live) skit on TV, and one of the characters said he had ideas to drive his vehicle into oncoming traffic.
I remember thinking how odd that was, because I was having intrusive thoughts about that. I thought to myself...there must be something to this, and I wondered who I could talk to about it.
I don't remember having intrusive thoughts about murder. I would think things like "throw your coffee in his face" or something similarly stupid and embarrassing. I never acted on any of these
thoughts. At some point, I realized my intellect had executive control over these thoughts, and I needn't fear acting them out. I made an analogy to an upset stomach that causes burps and gas.
I surmised that the random idea generator in my brain had become upset, and was formulating inappropriate ideas. I can't remember exactly when I stopped having intrusive thoughts. It may have
been following the ECT I had over a decade ago.. I had a lot of strange symptoms with my depressive illness over 40 years. The extreme insomnia I experienced added to my symptoms. Many of the symptoms didn't seem to be connected in any way. But, the ECT resolved them all. All I have left is a mild head tremor, and the occasional migraine aura. I've been relatively depression and anxiety free for over a decade.and I haven't taken psych meds during that time..
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