Depersonalization Support Forum banner
1 - 1 of 1 Posts
G

·
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,

I just found this site, I am newly self-diagnosed- having had this for almost 20 years.

I was scared to death as a child. Scared of the dark, sleep and dreaming. I had a lot of out of body experiences- mostly to get out of my dark room at night. I would fly down the stairs and stand in the kitchen just looking at my grandmother and mother who I lived with. They never saw me but I would tell them parts of their conversation and they would think I was hiding on the stairs.

I was pretty normal and successful student, had friends. Stopped the Out of Bodys and forgot about them.

Smoked dope a number of times, but one time, at 15 I was alone, high and watching TV. The floor began to move in swirls and patterns and the TV came at me. I had this on and off (mostly on) after that. Now it is constant. I asked my Mother to take me to the opthamologist which she did. The Dr. wagged his finger at me and said "no more pot" - you're fine.
My Mom forgot about it, but I lived with it.

I got a few degrees. Lived with my strange vision. It caused me only a little anxiety. I thought "I changed my perceptions forever, but I can live with that".

I got married and had a boy. While pregnant, I began to dream- very vividly. Out of Body's started again. I studied New Age spirituality, because it was the only place I could go where people would understand. I became a Reiki Master. I had another baby and got a divorce from my crazy psychiatrist husband and more and more into Reiki.

I did a lot of ecstasy. In the 1980's and in 2000. It flung me into full DP/DR.

I got remarried two months ago to a very understanding, patient man. I had a few bad episodes (crying to my husband, "I know it sounds crazy, but if I don't pay attention to my lungs, I feel like I am going to stop breathing"!), but now, every day I seem to have some DP/DR symptoms. If I am around people, and I begin to feel the symptoms and anxiety that goes with it, I tell them I am ADD, because that they understand and if I act strangely (which I really don't) I have an excuse. I tell my husband every spymptom as it happens. He smiles and jokes with me. Sometimes he'll point his finger at me and make a machine noise and go "rewind". Which actually cracks me up! But I do get anxious. Yesterday I found this site, because my anxiety drove me to it. I self medicate, but stopped that about 4 dAYS ago. Because my DP/DR is worse and I think the meds are why.

I learned about DP/DR from an interview with the guy who made the movie "Tarnation". He started talking about his DP and I said "OMG! that is me exactly!" I did research and found I have "severe" DP/DR, as diagnosed by an online quiz, but I didn't need the quiz to know what I have.

Some of my thoughts:

1. I am "wired" for this- I know tons of people who do tons of drugs and they don't have this. My husband tripped so much in Viet Nam and he is NOT like this. At some point, I was going to be DP. It came on with the drugs, but would have come on with VITAMINS or nothing at some point in my life.

2. If I am wired for this like I think I am, there has to be reason for it, or it must be "NORMAL" for some of us to be wired this way. Just like my Out of Body's which come about 2 times a month now.

3. If a human being is this way, it is part of the HUMAN Experience and I am one of the humans experiencing it.

4. Reiki has taught me to actually ENJOY this and curbs my anxiety. If the world is made of energy and I see it, well that is an advantage. If the world isn't what it seems, and I can see that, that is an advantage.

5. I can try and try to BE like most others, but so far that hasn't worked. It makes things worse. So I tell myself that this is just ME. I am not like most others, but I certainly get to experience a wide variety of perceptions and emotions from terrible to astoundingly wonderful and this
is an ADVANTAGE!

6. I have had this for close to 25 years (just ralized how long it really is) and not once did I have a seizure, stop breathing, dissappear, become invisible, etc, etc. This helps me to curb the anxiety when I start feeling like these things will happen.

7. I am really really glad I found this forum!!- For a list of symptoms go to "what is DP/DR like for you?"

Gwen
 
1 - 1 of 1 Posts
Top