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Hello everyone. What a cheerful lot we are.

So, I have been effectively disabled by my "problem" for close to three years now. Back then I was working FT, and going to school FT; I was one (1!) class away from my BA in psychology_ go figure. Since then I have lost most of my friends, got fired, lost my apartment, and my credit is on the brink. I did finish the class, this past summer.

The Psychiatrists tell me that I have anxiety and depression, which I do not dispute. Those maladies make managing my ADD much more interesting. But it feels like that isn't all that isn't right with me. My bio reads like it ought to have a decent heroin addiction or something in it, to justify the trajectory. Or like, "Rob could have gone All-America, but then he starting huffing paint." You could say I'm not living up to my potential.

When I first stumbled on DP/DR, through this site and others (thank y'all for providing this terrific support for each other), there is a lot suddenly made sense. 'Overly philosophical around questions of reality and consciousness' was a symptom that made me laugh, hits close to home. Lately I'm obsessed with the idea that the map is not the territory: My experience of reality is a product of my limited senses and imperfect brain, hopelessly incomplete.

These aren't new ideas, but most people aren't forced to be aware of them at all times. I feel like Cypher, because I envy not knowing. All I want is to get reinserted into the Matrix.

Or be set free from it.

One more thing... On a handful of occasions (4-7) I have managed to relax with meditation or marijuana (I know MJ is not recommended ) and pop my head/neck just right to relieve the pressure I usually feel at the base of my skull. And suddenly... guys, I find myself in the world. Everything seems so much more real, like there's a weightiness to objects. Feeling my body becomes intense as I am reconnected with my emotions. It is only in these times of clarity that I can appreciate how gray and distant my life had become. The first time I awoke like this I yelled out, "I'm back!" and starting dancing around the room; I thought I had just cured myself for good. But the next day I was back to numb normal.

I brought this up with my doctor, and he pointed out that I had recent neck x-rays that didn't show anything. Please, does anyone know what might be going on?
 

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I felt a jolt in my right leg once, and I woke up until getting stressed and retreating to DPDR.

Similarly, someone looking out thier window tssk'd at me for peeing in my back yard. "Oh, he peein'", and somehow that brought me back temporarily.

The questions have reached dead ends and let up. The depression and anxiety ate being treated by the best psychs in network. I still feel pretty DPDR'd all the time.

I understand what you mean about trajectory. I wish I didn't.
 
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