[Chris]

Hmmm, how do I get this one out.

Alright, I'm wondering when dp first hit you guys, did it go deeper and deeper as time went by? Because what happened to me was, when I was 16, I got my first panic attack, followed by the new life of DP. Every 2 months or so it would get slightly worse. I called them levels. I was going deeper and deeper into DP. This happened for over a year I guess. Ever since then (about 4 and a half years) it's been pretty steady. Always there, but the same.

Last month, for the first time in years, the DP entered a new, horrible horrible deep level. What I now consider to be chronic DP. I thought I've had it bad the last 4 years but that was absolutely nothing. This past month has been a living nightmare of DP. I don't hear my voice. I don't feel my family. I feel as though I'm a million miles from me.

I don't understand why I dissociated more after so long. All I can think of is last month I started experiencing what I thought were delusions. I thought, here we go, I'm FINALLY becoming psychotic. (my worst fear)

Thats the only conclusion I can think of. It's been anxiety ever since. Something I had control of with Luvox.

I'm rambling here. I don't know what else to say except that now I know what it's like to have chronic DP. and it's the scariest thing in the world. I can't imagine going deeper than this, and if I do... I seriously don't know.

 

[falling_free]

Yep my dp and cannbis induced pychosis did get worse and worse as time went by, like layers of complexity added on and on on top of me until the self became an alien concept and I felt my mental processing start to crumble before me until I was left with what in my mind was a shapeless illy defined version of me, with all feelings of self and reality gone , skewed and distorted like never before. My dp/dr now seem to be at a level where I have moments of being back in relaity , feeling I have a self and then thers comes the dp/dr storm of negativity and I get whisked away and embroiled in a heavy bad ass dp/dr state, which usually happens every 3 or 4 days on a good week or every day on a bad one, and my god do i hate the bad weeks.

I don't hear my voice. I don't feel my family. I feel as though I'm a million miles from me.

I hate this feeling also, it is hell to wake up every morning and feel far away from everything, not being able to ground oneself in reality, to not worry as I used to

 

[Guest]

I haven't been able to grasp my dp cycles and i'm still trying to relate them to some sort of trigger. My dpdr just seems to rise and fall however it likes. I am truly not in control of my moods or my dpdr at this point so i'm at the whim of the little demonic bastards controlling my brain.

For a while...i was experiencing progressive dp for a few months...then it went into semi-recession. The i was only having bad dp in the mornings and felt fine at night. Now, since i'm trying to find a nice med cocktail that works for me...its totally out of whack and my dp explodes at times, and sometimes i feel fine. GAY 8)

 

[Guest]

I definitely experienced different "levels" of it. Once in a while I'll post something about this, but very few people seem to relate, so I just assume I was a little more nuts than the others, lol

The GOOD news here is that I am totally recovered from dp. The deeper and deeper "places" our minds can go, while horrific, do not imply any kind of permanence. I would never have believed it was possible for me to get out of that dark abyss...but I did. Please do not think it's permanent.

The thing I know for SURE that makes the levels take you deeper is self-monitoring. The more you watch yourself, the deeper you can go. It's like gazing into a mirror non-stop,...soon you will feel like you're disappearing "into" the mirror.

The only thing that I know of that will take you BACK - up another level to where you were before, or even better - is to force youself to not self-observe.

But wanted you to know I do know what you're describing. I remember once saying "please! I will go back to how it was, that is nothing compared to this hell!

Peace,
Janine

 

[Guest]

That officially creeped me out, because the last 'sane' moments i've spent on this earth were spent looking at my reflection in the mirror during and acid trip. I thought it'd be cool to watch my own face morph into something twisted, but in fact, i ended up seeing myself standing behind myself with a menacing grin. I then soiled myself and have been on a permanant acid/anxiety trip ever since....weird.

I'm going to let that strange acid hallucination of vivid dissociation settle into my mind and now flip out for the next day or so.

 

[falling_free]

Ziggo I also had a simliar (but probably not as bad) pseudo.
hallucination dissacotive expeirnce when I was really stoned, becasue I used to smoke lots of weed at my friends house and it became my favioute thing to do to just stare in the mirror and see what happened, and after a while this resulted in me having this werid focus pseudo.
hallucinaiotn where my eyes would create the illusion that the mirror was in fact a tunnel of some sort, and my brain uncouncious whatever would morth the mirror so that it resembeled a tunnel into a house of somesort, and this was the beginning of my major dissastive experiences and I think one of the (probably numerous) factors that contributed to my eventual dp/dr state.

 

[Guest]

I've always been like this. I dont have a memory where things weren't like this. Everything gets better and worse as the tides ebb. Day by day it gets better and then it gets worse and then it gets better. I feel that this is the way it will always be. Im ok with that.

eDfGr33n
"in a sea of lost souls.. we are self-found."

 

[bat]

Hi zig
i watched myself in the mirror for too long once on acid. a strange feeling even for acid and not one i'd forget. i did come out of the trip though. is that when your dpdr started and has it eased (or become less acidy) over time?

 

[bat]

yes i have had increasing and various levels of dp.
my first episode was huge and unbearable. it was hell and increased after a major sudden freak out( panic attack i suppose) daily for weeks. i have no idea how i survived those months. i had no idea what was wrong with me and as i was living in relentless hell (beyond my senses if you know what i mean) i couldn't kill myself as i believed i was going to stay there for ever. i still panic at this thought. the only solution through the fear was to continue letting my body exist and hope that my self or mind would realter. catch 22.

i can't explain the horror of that existence in words. i wouldn't wish an enemy a moment of it.

anyway it did begin to ease eventually. to this date i have had various, at times horrific, levels of dp but never to that extent. i have often thought that no one has experienced that level of dp but then i also know that it's impossible to put it into words.

 

[Guest]

Yes I have various levels of dp/dr.

It's worse when I go out, after 3-4 minutes, I enter into a DR-land. Then if I am more nervous, I can feel VERY far from the world. And it stays until I go home. And when I enter home, I really feel disconnected and depersonalised. Argh. Then, after a whil, sometimes after crying, and watching TV or talking, and staying at the same place (verys silly) and taking calming agents, DR is less worse. And when I go to sleep, it's OK.

I had me too the worst dp ever on my firt trip to the ER. W/o any meds. My anxiety was at a level, like you say, you can't describe it in words.

Cyn xxx

 

[dreamcatcher]

when i first had my breakdown my dp was really really bad....i got taken to the hospital cause i wanted to be sectioned.......gradually thing seem to be lifting but never feel right...as cynthia said leaving the house increases it dramatically...the dr is so much worse its like be disorientated....thats one reason why i hardly ever go out...the fear of losing it completely.......and i cant stand the thought of going back to were i have been....i am still fighting dp.....some days are slightly better than other.....but when you think in normal emotions we have are ups and downs this is very similiar but we have extremes and no middle ground

 

[Guest]

As far as my trip becoming less 'acidy' over time...I think it has, but i know i'd disagree with that statement as soon as things weren't goin well for me. I'm having a particularly good day with my savior klonopin and I don't notice much of an acidic feeling in my head.