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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,

I am so tired, physically and mentally. My son is 2, and he's very jittery, he is always doing silly things, and I have to run after him and check him, he's VERY active, and he doesn't talk much yet, so he scream, to be understood. And I can't cope with him and DP/DR. It's gettin harder. I have to educate him, after all I am his mother, and my boyfriend thinks the same, but he don't liscen to me at all, he runs in all the house when I try to dress him, and he doesn't want to eat good things, etc. I am exhausted, and I feel like I have failed as a mother.

I NEVER loved to be a mother. It's terrible to say that. I have no energy for that, seriously, I can't. I don't know why I thought I would be a good mother. I don't like it it's too hard. And dealing with terrible derealization at the same time, lack of energy, etc. I fell away all the time, and I feel so sad. I don't even realize the spring is right there, and I don't feel happy. Like there is no future.

On top of that I am tired AND nervous, so I don't know which med could help me.

It's hard. I just want to sleep.

Sorry for the post. I am complaining.

Karine
 
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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Take it easy 1 thing at a time, baby steps. I really cant imagine how hard it is for you but im sure you'll pull through it. I wish you the best.
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Have you ever been around small children? Two year old kids are demons, lol...they're HORRIBLE! That's just the way it is - they go through a stage, it's developmental - they listen to NOBODY. They want their way constantly - they pitch fits if they don't get it.

They will hit you and hate you and scream and roll on the floor like they're having a seizure.

They call it the "Terrible Twos"

It's not YOU - it's the age.

It would help you greatly to join a mother's support group - to be able to talk to other first time Moms and hear their frustration and anger, too. It would help you to realize you are NOT alone.

But you have to reach out. There is MUCH support out there, dear one. You need to broaden your world.

Love,
Janine
 
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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
being a mother, or father - DP'ed or not, is too hard. It just is.

When mine were younger, I spent more time with them than I do now. Almost a stay at home dad for a while. It is just plain difficult. Add to that DP/DR, and you have a very big challenge.
Do you get frustrated, even angry with your child sometimes? That's the real Karine coming through. Do you get impatient, feel like you want to scream sometimes? That's the real Karine coming through.

I never really wanted to be a parent. It just sort of happened. It has been a monumental struggle for me - just like it is for all parents.
I am not trying to discount the added difficulties provided by DP/DR. Just trying to echo Janine I guess. Being a parent is just plain hard work.

Give yourself a break, and a pat on the back. You are a mommy, one of the toughest jobs in the world. If it helps any, it honestly does get easier as they grow older.
-clay
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
If you have yahoo messenger, there are parenting chatrooms where you could talk to each other and exchange advise. It can be very useful.
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Karine,

I can't even begin to imagine how tough it has to be going through something like major dp/dr and having to take care of a young child at the same time. It must be so difficult. However, I know that you are, and will continue to be a good mom. It is obvious you care a lot about your son, afterall, with everything you are going through, you still care about what he eats (lol.) I can remember when my sister was that age, I was going nuts, and I wasn't even her dad : ) Even now, at 11, she still drives me crazy.

I think kids can just be a huge responsibility. You have that added responsibility on top of the dp/dr which is not easy. But, I think everyone above has given great advice, and I think you can do certain things to make the situation better. Don't lose hope.

Your bud,

Jon
 
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Hi,

I made a huge crisis this PM, folllowed by the crisis of mt b/f, who was fed up because to seee me like a dead person, zombie who do nothing (I was trying to calm myself and had taken klono).... it was too much for me. I went to the movies all night. I ended up more sad and the worse disconnected you can imagine.

I end up at home, crying, first he was comprehensive, then he told me to stay on AD, then be told me that I was ruinig my life myself, dp/dr is my fault, I would be cured before if I had taken AD w/o stopping. He told me that I have to acccept that I am mentally ill and live with it I expect too much from people. I have to accept dp/dr and work with it, be HAPPY with it. He also said that he's tired and he will cut the Internet, because of course, he thinks all those sites are for crazy people (sick), and that it never done me any good. He is upset and if I don't help myself, he will leave me. He gave me changes since 2 years, because he thinks I will be worse if alone.

All the time, all the time I cried all long, and my mental state was : why God put me into this? And it would be so easy for me to end this relationship and end my life. Because I don't want to be separate, I know I will be more miserable and will have my parents who will make me feel more miserable. I am in utter despair. He told me I don't liscen anyway, and am unable to take care of my son, because I cry often when he go home 5 PM, I am upset and tired.

The truth is, I can't cope. Just back to the movies, I feel almost disconnected from my body, my soul. Some people can accept that, I can't. I tried but I can't. I called my psychiatrist maybe 8 times this week. The last message is : I really need help, put me on Depakote, I don't care. I want relief. Because I self-medicate, and it'S not good. Tonight i sleep alone, and I took 2 sleep pills plus klono. I just want to forget all my life. It's not a life. I hate myself because I have lots of meds, and sometimes I feel like I COULD take them. Scares me. At the same time I am afraid of Hell, so I am not advanced. :cry:

I wonder of this site made me more harm than good, I don't know. Sometimes it helped, but to have a boyfriend who just believe this is all crap and to wake up a little, give me to think that I could try conventional approach. At the least, put me in a hospital.

I feel weak and I want to die. My nervous system don't even get relieved by more klono, just more sleep pills. And it's not a life. If I have major dissociation ans fear all my life, and if this Dp/DR extream is always there, sorry but I don't feel like I want to live like this. I'll never be happy like this. If I try other harder meds and it works, fine. But for now, My mood changes too quickly and thos toughts about dead, it's too much.

I will see a ne psychiatrist soon, but my boyfriend think I exprect too much. I just want a doc who don't give me meds each week and who give me stronger meds. I DONT CARE for now. Put me on anti-convulsivants, anything to stabilize my mood.

I wrote to you because I fuckin don't know what it will happen. Please don't say to me to leave him I know he's not the cure of my problem. I am mentally ill, I was anxious at first, now very depressed. I love you all, and my email k[email protected], if you want to write. Please pray for me as I really feel depressed.

Thanks all and God bless all,

Karine.
 
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
You shouldn't accept dp/dr into your life, that would be like giving up. I do think going to this site everyday can make dr worst because it sometimes gives you negative thoughts, at least for me it does. It is difficult to break the cycle but i think im gonna leave for a month or so too peace yall.
 

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Hey Karine. Old single guy here who never had kids but have been around a ton of them. I will not for a moment try to relate what it is like to be a mom with dp/dr and other issues, I cannot go there, for I know nothing about it. But I know well how hard it has been for me these years to be around toddlers when I am symptomatic.

I only write becasue I see motherhood as the ultimate profession. I truly believe nothing is more important than this. If a mother did nothing more with her life than raise a child the best she knew how, even given only what she had to do that with, however imperfect, then I would consider her a grand success. I feel wierd even talking about this to you, but from your posts you seem like you would be a wonderful mother. Please hang in there Karine.
jft
 
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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Karine,I'm so sorry for how you are feeling.
I can hear your pain and utter frustration.I wish I were clever enough to know how to help you.
Personally I think you need to seek help for parenting your son.
It's not an easy job at the best of times.
In your situation it must be extra stressful.
I recall when I was younger and my children were little I had a nervous breakdown.I was only just able to take care of them,all of my energy went into caring for them,I had nothing left over.
Every hour was agony and the only way I made it was to take one minute at a time.I tried to make up for my craziness by cuddling and being close to them.I couldn't go out anyway,I was agoraphobic.
Somehow,sowly I made it and they don't remember anything weird.

Acceptance is a personal choice.I find great solace in the serenity prayer.
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Dp is something that has a high likelihood of being able to change.
Perhaps for today you can't change how you feel.
Is it possible to take one minute,one hour,one day at a time ?
Is it possible to simply go through the motions with the acceptance of" just for today"?
Just for today I will act "as if"..............I adore my son and I'm so glad I had him(it's the truth anyway).Play with him and hold him close,he will keep you going when you feel like you can't.
Just for today,"I won't allow myself to dwell on guilt".

Wishing you all the best,warmest regards Shelly
 

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Hang in there. I have a 3 1/2 year old and little kids are hard work for anyone and it's normal to feel useless. Just never give up in life. Things will get better later. Have patience.
 

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shelly you made me think:

i believe the moment you TRULY accept this disorder and your point in life, is the moment that you really start to be cured.

part of why we don't accept it for even a moment is that we don't know what will be next: "if I accept that I have this then i could have it FOREVER!"

but that's the kind of control mindset that causes dp. It doesn't WANT you to let go of it and accept that it's there. it feeds on the part of you that says "no, I will not accept that I feel this way!"

you can't change what is.

you feel that if you start wanting to feel this way and being happy feeling this way then you will fall into it...but the opposite is true

but i'm not sure

um...i just thought of all that stuff just now...excuse my randomness
 

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Perhaps finding other persons who have DP/DR, and accept any kind of help from them could help. Maybe a statement from a doctor would convince your folks that you are in a difficult position.

At my humble opinion your boyfriend is trying to be hard at you so that you will "snap out of it". I support this technique to myself sometimes, but I know that it is not proper for all people.

At my humble opinion again, since your boyfriend is telling you that he is tired, he then didn't evaluated well the situation when you two made a relationship, or is not understanding your current possition. I don't think that leaving him is the best solution. I recommend making him understand your situation (yes, I understand that this may be very difficult).

Perhaps if you have someone who could be supportive and understanding in these difficult moment. Maybe you could meet persons at your area that had DP/DR, or other mental illnes, but got over it, and they can support you. I think that in some countries there are "unions" of people who "do not feel good" and they support each other (I am sure that US and UK has such groups).

This site could have made you bad, but not necessarily. One must decide when to visit it and what to read on it. Consider viewing the content of this website with another person.

No insults intented about anyone.

My place does not allow me to make remarks about your DP/DR state. So I don't "touch" this.
 

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hi karine

two year olds are terrible so don't blame yourself but try to get time out for yourself whenever possible. also i think your b/f is right in that if you're going to take meds you need to pick one and stick with it for a length of time. from my own experience i know how hellish it was starting zoloft but to be stopping and starting meds all the time ... it's not a good idea.

i hope you feel better soon
 
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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Thanks.

I have wrote this old post in the night, with 2 sleep pills in the body. I was feeling totally drunk. And desesperate. :shock:

But it's true what I wrote.

I feel like I have to liscen to anybody in the world, my mother, my doc, my psy, people on this forum, me, my boyfriend, etc. So that is why I always change meds. It's crazy. Hopefully my new psy will stop me this.
I decided to take a med, along with my old psy and I hope it will help me. I just want this to stop. I am willing to do anything to help me.

Thanks for your posts :oops:

Ka
 
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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Karine, might be time for you to just have a rest & stop thinking about what you can do to get better. The only thing you can do is live as you are & carry on best you can. By just living (focusing outwards) & not listening to your mind so much you will begin to get better.

I am praying for you & I hope you have some relief soon. Never ever give up. You will be well one day but it just takes time.
 
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