[peaceboy23]

Hey all, just wanted to say I had a good session with my thearpist today. I went in and told him that the dp/dr is still bad, and that my psychiatirst thinks it is triggered by events in life, and he nodded and when I told him that I want to look into things and find out who I am and who i'm hiding, he was very supportive about it. Just getting across what I wanted really helped, and he was very receptive.

One thing I think I am finally comign to terms with is that my mom really IS alcoholic in a functioning way. I feel bad even saying this, because I think that means she is a bad person. That's one thing we worked on today, realizing it DOESN'T mean that, any more than if she had arthritis. I am trapped by all my misconceptions about those things. I am not debilitatively a child of an alcoholic, because my mom DID give me a lot of love and my dad as well, but I am loking through a book he gave me and I definately have a lot of codependency issues, and denial. A few things really struck out at me: Not letting yourself feel angry, secrets kept to keep the peace, feelings hidden, and psychic numbing, which he describes as "Having no feeilngs during times of stress, suddenly experienceing a "wall" between yourself and your feelings, Just having a lump in your throat instead of allowing feelings to emerge, fearing feelings will overwhelm you if they begin to be shown." This is all so direct on to me, as are many other things. I don't think all of it is due to the alcoholism (god, that feels horrible, even sinful, to write) but I know some of it is due to that. Family issues and the need to be perfect have numbed me and made me hide.
Sorry for rambling on, but i thought this was a step in the right direction. Im not too hopeful as of yet, because I'm afraid of being disappointed, but i'm feeling 5-10% better today. We'll see how things go as this progresses.

 

[Da'Burgh]

I'm glad to hear you are making progress, it's great. I wish you luck.

 

[Sojourner]

Peaceboy!

Hurrah! You are on the right road. I'm so glad to hear this!

You actually SHOULD get your hopes up, because you are now where it's happenin'!!!

I really am so happy to read your post. What promise! What hope. It really sounds like you're in very good hands, too.

What a difference a few days can make, huh? Life is so amazing.

Blessings!!

 

[peaceboy23]

I think there may be something..because thinking about that stuff now, my brain is like "DP DP! QUICK WE NEED MORE DP!" I just can't get over the fact that if i really admit this, it doesn't mean my mom isn't still the great person that I love (and this is NOT defense mechanism...she really is a wonderful woman)...i guess that's what therapy will continue to work on.

 

[Guest]

Peaceboy, it's so cool to hear about your conflicting feelings b/c I can relate. I also had a very loving childhood, but my parents weren't perfect and I feel guilty saying it just like you have trouble saying you may have been affected by your mom's alcoholism. My mother was pretty controlling and struggled with depression and perfectionism herself, hence it got passed on to me. Although my parents verbalized their unconditional love for me this message got mixed when their actions did not show it. I was always trying to earn their love through the things that I did and tried to be perfect all the time. Now I can say the way I raised did have a lot to do with the problems I have now, but that's not all. I love my parents but I now know they are not perfect and I've forgiven them for the pain I dealt with as a child and even now. I don't know if this helps but I just want to say thanks because I can relate with your confused thoughts. I hope you are able to find peace by realizing it's okay to say that your mom's actions and decisions have affected you negatively but also being able to love and forgive her. It's a daily challenge. I am glad therapy's going well and I know it will keep getting better!