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I thought today was going to be a good day. I hung out with some of my friends and they were laughing and stuff most of the time. I laughed too but I couldn't relate to what was so funny. I just felt so numb the whole day.

I have a band with a friend of mine and we were playing one of our songs for the other guys. She really liked the fact that we played it and our other friends were able to hear it. I just kind of nodded along.

Then we started drinking a few beers and I gained a little more control.

We were playing rock band and everybody seemed to have such a good time but I felt like I was ten thousand miles away.

I hate this. It feels so fake and it feels like I'm the bad guy because I can't appreciate my friends company when they think I do. It's like I'm lying to them when I just act with my freaking autopilot. I want to relate and feel the appreciation and unity they feel.

My birthday is coming up and everybody expects me to throw a party. I feel like thats the last thing I wanna do.

No today is not a good day. I can't be alone because I freak out, I can't be with my friends because I freak out. Where the hell do I fit in?
 
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