I was brought up Christian. Always believed I was Christian... even when I got my DP as a child and it wouldn't go away. I prayed for "my problem" to go away, but it didn't. When I was in third grade, I asked my teacher "Why did God create the world if he knew there would be so much pain and suffering?" She thought for a minute and said "Well have you ever had the fun of making something out of clay and didn't want anyone to destroy it?..." And she just kinda trailed off. What kind of answer is that?!
I've been to church, I've been preached to by an uncle that's in prison now for incest with his adopted daughter, my cousin. And I tried to believe it, I tried to read the Bible. But I just don't get it. If God is all-powerful.... why didn't he create everything perfect... or at least better. And I've been told well it's beyond our comprehension that's where faith comes in... you just have to believe. But how can anyone NOT doubt that there's a God?
Is this life really a gift? Did Jesus really die for my sins so that I could go to Heaven? And what sins??? I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask to be here. The way I see it we're all innocent, even if Jesus didn't die for us how could we be held accountable for these sins? We were created to make sins... I don't understand this free will crap. What is free? I am in a trap. I live and do what I do to get by.
The Bible says drinking to the point of intoxication is a sin. How can it be a sin if when you're not drinking you're in complete terror? How can you be sent to Hell for that? How could a loving God send any of his "children" to Hell??? And this whole Satan thing.... didn't God create Satan....? He was an angel but got kicked out cuz he disagreed with God or something? I don't get it.
I don't get any of this. And you know what... I still pray, even though I'm not so sure anymore. I pray He'll give me a sign or something. What does He want from me?! I will do anything for some peace! But He won't show me.... I'm lost. And does it really count.... believing in God just cuz you're scared, just cuz you have to believe in something? I feel doomed no matter what. I just want the pain to stop. God... is that too much to ask?
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