God and mental illness

I think on my darkest of days I and many others would have liked for there to have been a loving compassionate person, energy, force, etc to come down from the sky and whisk us away from all our troubles. On my worst days (that started my experience of DP) I was in a state of such anxiety, despair, and hopelessness that I simply layed down and hoped that some supernatural being would take pity on me and save me from myself. Of course this idea can be dangerous.

I've found that the more I look at this world the emptier it seems. I see endless suffering that grows worse each day. I may not experience this because I am priviledged but I notice horrible deaths resulting from starvation, disease, terrorist attacks, and other acts of violence. The more I notice this the more I feel disconnected and seperated from a world that seems to have no purpose. It is as if this world is a temporary station where we are whipped, prodded, insulted, and made to feel insecure and doubtful before we begin the slow process of dying.

So I look for an explanation for this suffering. I look to christianity, buddhism, hinduism, and other faiths. I analyze myself and my mind trying to intuit some sort of answer. But nothing comes. I'm reminded at the lack of compassion, purpose, and meaning that surrounds me. I see people grasping at sand trying to desperately make sense of chaos. They need the religion they believe in and I am willing to accept that as reasonable. However, I cant accept any of these religions. I can't get past the obvious delusions and lies that one must tell himself before surrendering himself to the supernatural.

I feel like I need to surrender myself to something that does not exist. Because it does not exist and it seems like a last line of defence then there is no hope. I have no faith in fake gods, and I have no faith in mental health institutions that don't understand this problem. I have no faith in a society that expects me to play by its rules, bite the bullet and become successful so I can buy lots of things and pretend to be happy. But I also have no faith in people who wear robes, study religious texts, and speak of false religious awakenings that play to their desire for happiness.