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God and mental illness

4247 Views 19 Replies 10 Participants Last post by  Qk8
I think on my darkest of days I and many others would have liked for there to have been a loving compassionate person, energy, force, etc to come down from the sky and whisk us away from all our troubles. On my worst days (that started my experience of DP) I was in a state of such anxiety, despair, and hopelessness that I simply layed down and hoped that some supernatural being would take pity on me and save me from myself. Of course this idea can be dangerous.

I've found that the more I look at this world the emptier it seems. I see endless suffering that grows worse each day. I may not experience this because I am priviledged but I notice horrible deaths resulting from starvation, disease, terrorist attacks, and other acts of violence. The more I notice this the more I feel disconnected and seperated from a world that seems to have no purpose. It is as if this world is a temporary station where we are whipped, prodded, insulted, and made to feel insecure and doubtful before we begin the slow process of dying.

So I look for an explanation for this suffering. I look to christianity, buddhism, hinduism, and other faiths. I analyze myself and my mind trying to intuit some sort of answer. But nothing comes. I'm reminded at the lack of compassion, purpose, and meaning that surrounds me. I see people grasping at sand trying to desperately make sense of chaos. They need the religion they believe in and I am willing to accept that as reasonable. However, I cant accept any of these religions. I can't get past the obvious delusions and lies that one must tell himself before surrendering himself to the supernatural.

I feel like I need to surrender myself to something that does not exist. Because it does not exist and it seems like a last line of defence then there is no hope. I have no faith in fake gods, and I have no faith in mental health institutions that don't understand this problem. I have no faith in a society that expects me to play by its rules, bite the bullet and become successful so I can buy lots of things and pretend to be happy. But I also have no faith in people who wear robes, study religious texts, and speak of false religious awakenings that play to their desire for happiness.
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I have spent most of my life fearing god and hell, and the parts of my life I haven't spent fearing, I've spent exploring (and fearing that I was exploring the wrong thing). My thoughts and ideas on god could take up pages upon pages, so I'll try to be brief here. Keep in mind also that this is simply my experience, and I'm not saying it's right for everyone.
I was raised religious, and my family is still very religious, so my leaving my religion causes a lot of issues with my family. But remaining in my religion would cause issues with myself. It's kind of a lose-lose situation. I think the idea of god expressed in my former religion contributed greatly to my dp. I also feel that God is the only way out of it.
Conclusions I've come to:
There is a higher power of some sort. Whether that be God, energy, or simply our own subconscious minds, I know not. But I do know that when I have managed to tap into that power, I am a much happier and more at peace person when I'm there. But while it's a simple place to be, it's also very difficult.
Sin doesn't exist. Assuming that there is a god, whatever our "pupose" for being here, learning and growth have a huge part of it. With learning comes mistakes. It's not "sin," it's experience.
Christianity is an extremely violent system all the way around, and I can't believe that a blood sacrifice was required to "atone for our sins."

Repeat Disclaimer: This is all my opinion, based on my own life experience. If your life experience tells you differently, feel free to share, but please don't discount mine.
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