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God and mental illness

4248 Views 19 Replies 10 Participants Last post by  Qk8
I think on my darkest of days I and many others would have liked for there to have been a loving compassionate person, energy, force, etc to come down from the sky and whisk us away from all our troubles. On my worst days (that started my experience of DP) I was in a state of such anxiety, despair, and hopelessness that I simply layed down and hoped that some supernatural being would take pity on me and save me from myself. Of course this idea can be dangerous.

I've found that the more I look at this world the emptier it seems. I see endless suffering that grows worse each day. I may not experience this because I am priviledged but I notice horrible deaths resulting from starvation, disease, terrorist attacks, and other acts of violence. The more I notice this the more I feel disconnected and seperated from a world that seems to have no purpose. It is as if this world is a temporary station where we are whipped, prodded, insulted, and made to feel insecure and doubtful before we begin the slow process of dying.

So I look for an explanation for this suffering. I look to christianity, buddhism, hinduism, and other faiths. I analyze myself and my mind trying to intuit some sort of answer. But nothing comes. I'm reminded at the lack of compassion, purpose, and meaning that surrounds me. I see people grasping at sand trying to desperately make sense of chaos. They need the religion they believe in and I am willing to accept that as reasonable. However, I cant accept any of these religions. I can't get past the obvious delusions and lies that one must tell himself before surrendering himself to the supernatural.

I feel like I need to surrender myself to something that does not exist. Because it does not exist and it seems like a last line of defence then there is no hope. I have no faith in fake gods, and I have no faith in mental health institutions that don't understand this problem. I have no faith in a society that expects me to play by its rules, bite the bullet and become successful so I can buy lots of things and pretend to be happy. But I also have no faith in people who wear robes, study religious texts, and speak of false religious awakenings that play to their desire for happiness.
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Yeah, it would be interesting to see how anyone deals with this conundrum. It really is a very serious topic for me, for some reason it seems vital.
The purpose of this thread was to state an idea and also to see how others deal with the issue of God. Obviously those who are religious have their faith and are able to answer the questions of their lives because of that. My problem is that I have no faith. I went to a christian school when I was young, read the bible and was constantly in that type of environment. I grew up, I questioned the teachings and lost my faith. However, I was never really a hardcore christian to begin with. It was something I learned from school and believed in because I feared hell. When I as able to look back on it it made no sense to me. This is not an issue of misunderstanding.

I'll admit that I haven't looked thoroughly into all of the major religions. It seems as if science makes the most sense, however this view of the world is the most depressing to me. Then DP comes along and is the ultimate leveler. Now I truely have no reason to believe in anything. Everything is up for grabs. I'd like to know how people in this situation have dealt with a lack of faith. People who have called out to God and found that he was not there to help. If you still have no faith, then how do you deal with this? If you have gained faith through this experience then how did that happen? Did anyone of you have religious experiences/awakenings?
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I've come to the point where praying seems to literally be an impossible action. There have been times when, in my mind, I have screamed "God help me" , but thats as close to prayer as I come. Prayer seems to be such a shallow and meaningless action. When I start to have any feelings of spirituality of even the vaguest nature, I question my motives first and my sanity second. I automatically realize that this is a condition that I create to make myself feel better. I try to latch on to even the simplest conceptions of God so that I won't have that feeling of hopelessness. Even the most general conception of God as an energy or force that might surround us tends to fall apart. Its a method or a tool of escaping reality, or thinking that if the shit really hit the fan an invisible man, energy, or force would come down and envelope me in love, kindness, and acceptance. I think about this sometimes but I always wake up and realize that I was caught in a daydream of my own making.
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