glad to find a community

hi! im peach. im self-diagnosed for right now, meeting with some doctors soon. i was having a lot of trouble talking to the people in my life about what's happening to me, and i'm a fool for not looking for this sooner. i just want to talk to people who understand.

um so. i overdosed when i was 16 and i blacked out three days. i can remember a couple little bits and pieces, but not much. i felt like i was in a fog after that and people told me it was my meds, i would be fine. and every time i talked to a psychiatrist/therapist they would tell me that it was just dissociating, it would end. it did not. i always felt a little fuzzy, out of my body, but i was functional. always had trouble remembering things, but i brushed that off.

so i was like that for five and a half years, and then six months ago i was hit by a truck (wild, right?) and i blacked out for about a minute. since then it's been so much worse. i have so much trouble concentrating, even reading some days, because im just so far out of my body. i have trouble looking in the mirror because logically, i know it's me, but i just panic, i feel like it's not. i dont even feel like a person anymore. people say my real name and i get confused, because is that me?

every time i say this people ask if i have DID and have an alter, but it's just. nothing. i feel like i'm nothing, just. a body.

and i cant remember most stuff. whats hardest is i forget how people look, and i panic about it so bad, and that only makes it worse. but when i see people in person they just. don't look right. i dont know how to explain it.

all i want to do is feel awake, present, and i don't know how. i've tried everything i can think of, but im still always out of it. a couple times a year i'll have it for just a few minutes, complete clarity, but every time i've had a panic attack instantly because it was such a shock, it felt like someone took me out of a warm bed and threw me into an icy lake, it was so jarring and just. terrifying, honestly.

does anyone else have it all the time? most people talk about episodes of this. there's different levels of severity to mine, days i feel more present than others, but im never fully here.