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Give me strength

651 Views 4 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  Brainsilence02
I thought I was getting better on Wednesday - had an active evening and felt engaged with things, chatted in the chatroom in the early hours. Yesterday, I slid back into the symptomatic thoughts and that continual perplexed sensation of not being here and not being engaged. Not sure why. Doubting everything. concentration shot and find it hard to listen to people speaking to me. Just do not know what to do any longer, have made progress over a long period of time with this but it still comes back. And I don't even know what 'it' is except a sense of blankness and disconnection and not being there - and yes, I know it is supposed to be 'dp' and when I come out of it I can see that, when I am in it I can't. I know I have to focus outward, I know I have not to listen to the thoughts - I have an endless monologue that tells me I am empty and not really human because I don't feel like I am, because I can't connect. This monologue is very ingrained and very old, it has developed over time to accompany the sensation and awareness of not being which began at the age of ten. So I know this old voice is going to take a long time to get rid of, I am now 41 but I think to myself, what is the point of trying any longer. It doesn't hurt like it used to, to be this way, I just do not know how to fight emptiness and disengagement - but I know the only answer is to focus outwards and not to obsess with the feeling/awareness of not feeling or thinking but.......etc and so it goes on. Thanks for bothering to read this - an extract of a loop from endless loops - just going insane, the events in London yesterday didn't help either....we are all going insane perhaps?........
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Don't know what to say to help. Maybe... thinking that this is only temporary? :| Maybe.. distract? Maybe.. change room (if you can't walk, at least crawl from bed to the floor)? Maybe... don't try to think the things that annoy you?

I don't know. I have this thing (someone told me about it) called "emotional amnesia".. so when I am feeling good, I don't remember how was it when I was feeling bad. I am ashamed that I cant help you even a little.

Remembered something though: I was 14, I was looking at the mirror and I was telling to my self "you are already dead". I think it was a narcisistic reverse-psychology intention.
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