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Give me strength

648 Views 4 Replies 4 Participants Last post by  Brainsilence02
I thought I was getting better on Wednesday - had an active evening and felt engaged with things, chatted in the chatroom in the early hours. Yesterday, I slid back into the symptomatic thoughts and that continual perplexed sensation of not being here and not being engaged. Not sure why. Doubting everything. concentration shot and find it hard to listen to people speaking to me. Just do not know what to do any longer, have made progress over a long period of time with this but it still comes back. And I don't even know what 'it' is except a sense of blankness and disconnection and not being there - and yes, I know it is supposed to be 'dp' and when I come out of it I can see that, when I am in it I can't. I know I have to focus outward, I know I have not to listen to the thoughts - I have an endless monologue that tells me I am empty and not really human because I don't feel like I am, because I can't connect. This monologue is very ingrained and very old, it has developed over time to accompany the sensation and awareness of not being which began at the age of ten. So I know this old voice is going to take a long time to get rid of, I am now 41 but I think to myself, what is the point of trying any longer. It doesn't hurt like it used to, to be this way, I just do not know how to fight emptiness and disengagement - but I know the only answer is to focus outwards and not to obsess with the feeling/awareness of not feeling or thinking but.......etc and so it goes on. Thanks for bothering to read this - an extract of a loop from endless loops - just going insane, the events in London yesterday didn't help either....we are all going insane perhaps?........
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Sometimes it is important that you focus inward as well. I know we have been told to focus outward but there comes a time when we need to really go inside ourselves and try to understand what is really going on inside our mind when the dp strikes. It is a painful illness to be in. I spent months, years trying desperately to keep doing things to keep my mind busy. I recently fell down and I fell down hard, I felt like I was to tired to ever get up and try again. I thought to myself, I keep hitting a wall, no matter what I do I am right back where I started, in the grip of this painful nightmare. I read the posts here and my heart goes out to all those who suffer with this. We are all trying to be well. What is this that we suffer?

One day I decided to start to keep a diary on how I feel. I go through my day and see how the dp/dr was and what was going on in my life when it is really bad. I am trying to find out what is triggering, is it my way of thinking that makes it worse? I have seen in the last while that when I am frightened the dp/dr get worse. When I am tired it gets worse. When I do not eat properly it gets worse. I know try to see if there is a connection between my emtions and the illness. There is, so now I try to face what is bothering me and learn ways to cope with it, like if I feel sad I let myself feel sad, if I feel like crying I cry, I have learned that hiding the feelings and keeping things bottled up does not help. I would focus outward all the time but I now know that I need to focus on what is going on inside, getting to know how I react to different things and learning to live with life's stresses.

I do not know what truly causes this illness, but one thing I do know that learning to live in it helps. I still believe that depersonalization is born when we put all our feelings away inside our mind for another day. The feelings have no where to go so eventually they find and out and that out is possibly dp/dr. One of the greatest emotions that I believe is responsible for this illness is fear. Learning to not be so afraid calms the mind and and lets one heal.

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