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Hiiiii ,

i am a female and I just turned 30, I've been struggling with depersonalization disorder starting from marijuana and then acid for about 10 years now. it started in high school from marijuana but only like in temporary stints that would go away and then full blown in college after a bad trip... This topic is still really really hard for me despite how long I have been sitting with it and I still struggle with it daily - however I have made great progress over the years. I'm even in therapy for it and my therapist is a specialist in dissociation .. but sometimes I feel she does not understand the complexity of my condition the way people on here and in other forums do, because she doesnt or hasnt had the condition.

I wanted to know if anyone else has noticed there triggers having to do with intimacy? I feel like this started when I experienced ego death during my acid trip and now like whenever I start to get close to new people , i experience these bumps in the depersonalization and I associate it with the person as the trigger ...though they've done nothing wrong.. in the past once I would just remove myself from the friendship/relationship until it blew over and then its fine! there back in my life its normal.... but I don't want to have to do that anymore, bc like sometimes its a day .. or two weeks or months... But it's so confusing, and I feel so uncomfortable depersonalized around them when it happens. I figured out this trick that when I put sunglasses on, i start to feel normal around them and the feelings go away, but when I take them off I get scared it will come back or like it's changed and now i'm depersonalized again if the person who started the trigger is still there.... can someone help me? like wtf is going on... is this normal dpd or something else? in my steps to full recovery i want to figure this out but everything now feels so convoluted and intertwined bc of the ego death/acid trip and how I coped with it initially for the first year (i had to drop out of college and i didnt know it was dpd i just thought i just fully went insane) was probably not healthy, like i had to define all these touchstones and I forgot how to talk and all this shit, and i did finally get better....but now im so scared of going back there it like controls me and the DPD pops up in this weird controlled situational way .....but still gets in the way of all these new relationships platonic and romantic. like I thought i fully lost myself when it first happened, so i started to define it in my head like when I feel like myself and when I dont during the first year of it and now 9 years later this like still shows up in different ways like in this intimacy situation .. has anyone else experience dpd like this as well?
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